WEEK TEN:

Monkey Man see lots of movies this summer. Monkey Man remember time when "summer movie" no mean "retarded movie". Those times long long gone. Sideburned pale man drag Monkey Man many many movies, he laugh and clap and say "now THIS feel good roller coaster good time!"

(Brian Lynch sidenote: I have never said that.)

Anyway, Monkey Man compile list, tell you what to like, what not to like. Monkey Man hope you enjoy it. So get rid further adieu, Monkey Man present...

MONKEY MAN ROLLER COASTER GOOD TIME WORST/BEST OF SUMMER MOVIES!!!

The two extra exclamation point, they to let you know this title extra wild. Buckle safety belts.

WORST OF SUMMER 2001

10. MOMMY HUG A ROBOT

Steven Spielberg great director. Stanley Kubrick great director. They no two great tastes that taste great together. If this result, Monkey Man no longer looking forward to long-promised Martin Scorcese/Michael Bay collaboration (Monkey Man will wager guess, predict movie involve mafia and have lots MTV cuts, it called ROCK ME GUIDO or something).

Monkey Man think this movie need to be broken down into two different movies. That way Monkey Man not lose sixteen loved ones while he watch endless pablum. It so friggin' long, Monkey Man walk out of theater and robots actually rule the Earth. Monkey Man hope robots make shorter, less sugar-y movies.

9. SING NICOLE KIDMAN SING LOUD FROM GAY WINDMILL

It have BATMAN & ROBIN style sets, which ultimate in cool. But it also have Nicole Kidman as whore, and that set standards too high for lonely man looking for cheap fun on cold winter night. She no what hooker look like. Watch LADY MARMALADE video from movie. That "spanish" girl, try sing like Mariah Carey look like crab ridden skank, THAT what whore look like.

8. REESE WITHERSPOON PRETTY BUT SMART SHE SHOW EVERYONE

Just few months ago, Monkey Man watch CLUELESS, go "gosh, it good six, seven years, they should remake this but add boring courtroom drama scenes". "POOF", goes genie of mediocre movies, "what are your two OTHER WISHES? And no wishing for more wishes, that completely against rules!"

7. MULDER LEAVE X-FILES BUT DO "FUNNY" ALIEN MOVIE, GET ME 7-UP GUY, WATCH SPARKS FLY!

This actually good remake GHOSTBUSTERS, but at end giant evolved gorillas run out, and boring humans shoot them! What frig up that? Stifler in it, he Johnny Good-times, but here he help shoot gorillas, so he make Monkey Man list of people to kill with metal claws. It very long list.

6. NO TIME LOVE SAYS COMPUTER SANDRA BULLOCK, THERE EVIL COMPUTER ALIENS TO FIGHT

Sadly, this not even worst Ben Affleck movie of summer, but he sound weird. Like Alec Baldwin. Anyway, it look creepy. Aliens least scary thing in movie. Computer generated walking talking corpses, they far more frightening, but also not scariest thing in movie. Script written by six year old, given go ahead by son of Movie Exec on "take your son to work" day, THAT scariest thing in movie.

5. OH BOY MIKE MYERS DOING SCOTTISH ACCENT AGAIN, BUT IT DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE BIG GREEN OGRE

Mike, Monkey Man watch SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, WORLD OF WAYNE, RETURN TO WORLD OF WAYNE and SO I MARRY AXE MURDERER MAYBE SHE CAN MURDER CONSTANT ANNOYING MUGGING TO CAMERA WITH AXE many times. Monkey Man know you capable of doing more one voice. Go try them. Look at Sandler. He have guts to do funny lisp voice, annoy crap out of world in LITTLE NICKY, but at least he not doing same thing. Learn from him. Go. Monkey Man wait.

At least make-up really good. Everyone look weird and trippy. But Monkey Man wishes they just have guts to get Eddie Murphy out of donkey outfit, slap black face on him, completing STEP N FETCHIT routine.

4. TOMB RAIDER

Monkey Man not sure of other movie titles, no time remember stupid names when there squirrels to kill, but Monkey Man sure of this one. Why? They say "TOMB RAIDER" nine thousand times in movie.

"That Laura Croft, she raid tombs like nobody's business. She is the best TOMB RAIDER like ever."

"Come back here, TOMB RAIDER, so that I may kill you!"

"Why you piss off God, TOMB RAIDER? Why you piss off God and make him put you in bad movie?"

And note to costume lady: Angelina Jolie have big, big breasts. She no need false breast add-ons. That just cruel. "Well, Angelina, we know you have GIANT BOOBS, but you gotta remember, this is based on a video game and ALOT of young kids are going to see it, so we're gonna give you EVEN BIGGER BOOBS". And Angelina Jolie yawn and nod, look at watch and count minutes until she can return to inbred hick husband with albino mute fiddle playing sidekick.

3. EDDIE MURPHY TALK TO ANIMALS AGAIN, SADLY ALL ANIMALS TOO SCARED TO SAY "EDDIE, SERIOUSLY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU FUNNY? THOSE GOOD TIMES"

Eddie Murphy talk to animals. Oh boy. Monkey Man talk to animals, no one see Hollywood make movie HIS life. At least Eddie play doctor, no offensive stereotyped donkey. If he play character from SCOTTISH OGRE: THE MOVIE in THIS film, Eddie says things like "Oh yessim massuh, I sure done do talks to the am-inals! Feets don't fail me now!"

2. ANNOYING JAPANESE MTV ATTACK GET IN WAY OF MOST BORING AND CHEMISTRY FREE ROMANCE EVER COMMITTED TO FILM

Ben Affleck, Monkey Man know you. He hang out with you at Spago, he party hard with you and Matt. Monkey Man know you better than this. Ben Affleck make good movies, he big time good talent. Michael Bay+Ben Affleck never proven good idea. Monkey Man advice, Ben Affleck? Get Caller I.D. Next time it say BAY, MICHAEL let machine take it. You thank Monkey Man, I promise.

And Monkey Man pick for worst movie of summer?

1. MARKY KILL APE WHO FUCK INVITE HIM TO PLANET?

What fuck? Seriously. Ape have good thing going, wigger come down to planet, ruin it.

But why live in negative? The summer also see good movies. So now onto...

BEST OF SUMMER 2001

10. SWINGERS ONLY WITH GUNS

Why it good movie? Well...

(SPOILER WARNING)

10

9

8

7

6

5

4

SCREECH IS IN IT, SCREECH HAS CAMEO. That mean it instantly worth your time.

3

2

1

...

Shit, Monkey Man no good with spoiler warning protocal. Sorry.

9. MONKEY BONE

It no come out during summer, Monkey Man know this. But Monkey Man think it deserve special mention anyway. Why? It have sexiest title in history of movies. Go see it. Not movie, no see that, it crap, but see movie poster. Or DVD cover. Monkey Man promise you walk away with super deluxe hard-on.

Of course, this might just be Monkey Man. Not sure.

8. RACE THE CAR, BLAND BLONDE MAN, RACE THE CAR

Finally, someone remake POINT BREAK. They even get Keanu, but they die his hair blonde. And give extensive plastic surgery. And drain remaining charisma out of him. But, plus side is they add lots car chases. Monkey Man appreciate this. After heady films like TOMB RAIDER Monkey Man glad to see dumb fun movie.

PLUS, Vin Deisel is in it. And Monkey Man fairly sure he only living human beat crap out of Monkey Man. So Monkey Man smile and nod nervously and put this on "Best Of" list.

7. ROB SCHNEIDER GET DOG PARTS KNOW HOW TO SIT AND BEG FOR CAREER BACK

This what Eddie Murphy talk to animals movie should have been. Adam Sandler Light (THAT saying alot) get lots animal parts, pee on rug and fart. Almost fuck sheep. Summer movies good times for all ages.

Plus, it have hot girl from SURVIVOR. She could set Monkey Man family on fire, crap on ashes, trick Monkey Man into eating them, and then beat Monkey Man to death with log, Monkey Man's final thought be "she really IS America's sweetheart."

6. COMPUTER GENERATED MUMMIES RETURN

Whoa, Brendan Fraser in two of best movies of summer. He must be America's best actor. This best mix of live action and cartoons since COOL WORLD. Kudos to whoever wrote and directed it. He obviously no let mental handicap get him down.

5. HEATH LEDGER WILL HEATH LEDGER WILL ROCK ME

Heath Ledger is new hottie. Magazines tell Monkey Man to like him. Movie stupid and old though, about some dumb knight on quest to do something. Monkey Man almost fall asleep, but woken up by fantastic eighties music. Monkey Man think that if CITIZEN KANE have music by Depeche Mode then it not be so hated by movie going public.

4. JOHN TRAVOLTA TRICK WOLVERINE INTO HACKING, MOVIE TRICK MONKEY MAN INTO SLEEPING

It really awful movie. Why Monkey Man like it? Two words:

3. WE HAVE JOHN CUSACK AS BIG TIME ACTOR, WE NEED SOMEONE PLAY NORMAL EVERY DAY GIRL? GET ME JULIA ROBERTS!

Admittedly, Monkey Man no see this movie. But Monkey Man know a certain someone have a song on soundtrack? "Oh", you say stupidly, "who that?"

Who you think?

2. STILL SMOKIN' ON JAY AND SILENT BOB'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE...WORLD

Kevin Smith friend of sideburned pale man.

Or so he claim, Monkey Man tell you secret: Sideburned pale man call Kevin Smith many time a day, go "hey friend, I sell script, we peers, NOW we hang out? No? This ISN'T even Kevin? Can you put him on? Restraining WHAT?"

One time sideburned pale man pretend to have long good conversation with Kevin Smith, Monkey Man pick up other phone, hear dial tone. It sad, really.

So why this on Monkey Man list? It STAR A MONKEY. No, no Jay Mewes, he only act like monkey, it have honest go goodness monkey in it. And she good. Next March, Jan Michael Vincent go "and best supporting actress oscar go to..." and then he vomit on podium and pass out, but if he continued reading it would be to that monkey.

Speaking of monkeys, Monkey Man proudly present THE BEST MOVIE OF THE SUMMER:

1. IT'S AN APE APE WORLD DON'T SHIT ON OUR GOOD TIMES, MARKY MARK THINGS WERE FINE BEFORE YOU GOT HERE

Monkey Man knows he also vote this WORST of summer, but it chock full apes. And fact that apes lose at end make it seem like art movie, good guys lose, get beaten by tough guy cardboard lead, that just sad. But it make you think. It made Monkey Man think. He think "what FUCK? Monkey Man swear on all that is Holy, he go Hollywood, find Marky Mark and beat him until he is as retarded as he seems when he raps".

But ape Helena Bonham Carter hot. And that enough for Monkey Man.

And that about wrap things up. Maybe fall better. Monkey Man return next week, SEPTEMBER 14th...

...same day ANGRY NAKED PAT animated cartoon goes up. Shit, who fuck cares Monkey Man rant, when everyone can see Pat and stupid friends walk around, make fun of everyone? Well, fuck you then, Monkey Man back and better than ever and if he have to talk to self, he will. By the way, Monkey Man already have his WORST INTERNET CARTOONS OF THE FALL done. Ready?

Number ONE worst cartoon of fall...

That is, until Monkey Man arrive in episode 7. Then sit back and enjoy.

In meantime, send questions about life and love HERE. Monkey Man answer. Life good for all. Peace, Monkey Man outty.