Week
11
Hey catch the new ANGRY NAKED PAT cartoon over at www.campchaos.com? It's
funny right? Oh, so good. And after...months of waiting, all your favorite
PAT characters finally come to life on the computer screen. Pat, Mugsy,
Kevin, Nigel 7 (who NO love Nigel 7, with his, what THREE appearances in
the comic strip? His time had come, Monkey Man guesses), The Geek (so important
they no even give him a name), Monkey Man...
...Oh.
Hold on second. Monkey Man NO in ANGRY NAKED PAT cartoon. At all. Not
even reference to him. NOTHING. Monkey Man easily most popular character,
but where he? Who knows?
This
not fair. The masses demand Monkey Man. Or at least should.
But
no one in uproar over this.
Sideburned
Pale Man say America have more important things worry about, but Monkey
Man no see WHAT could be going on more important than Monkey Man being
excluded from internet cartoon.
Monkey
Man want to know what America think of this travesty. So Monkey Man decide
to use AOL Instant Messaging, meet strangers and ask in very clever way
WHAT Monkey Man should do about being excluded from cartoon.
Monkey
Man want to hear from someone smart. So Monkey Man click FIND BUDDY section,
then go to BY HOBBY.
Monkey
Man see "stamps" as one of hobbies. Monkey Man know that anyone
interested in stamps MUST be know a lot, because they have much time on
their hands.
Anyway,
Monkey Man find lots (scary amount, actually) of people that list "stamps"
as a hobby. He pick first one. Here transcript of conversation.
Note:
Monkey Man no use REAL name, as everyone too excited they talking to THE
Monkey Man, instead, Monkey Man adapt clever alter ego.
At
this point, she no talk for a while. So Monkey Man try and start conversation
all cool-like.
And
then she no talk AGAIN. What her deal?
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SoccerGirl-Stamp Chat |
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NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man take
your silence as agreement
NotMonkeyMan: Hey, stamps, huh?
SoccerGirl: "Stop when there is restance from the
q tip"
NotMonkeyMan: Uh
NotMonkeyMan: That's what I always
say
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man think
Amie likes the funny stamps
NotMonkeyMan: The one you lick and
see Jesus eating a parfait soonafter
NotMonkeyMan: Amie acting all sorts
of weird
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man frightened
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man outty.
SoccerGirl: your a leafblower
NotMonkeyMan: Uh huh.
SoccerGirl: good bye
NotMonkeyMan: good luck to you SoccerGirl
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man pray
for you.
SoccerGirl: i don't need luck
NotMonkeyMan: You no need luck,
you got crazy on your side.
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Okay, this no go well. Monkey Man think by "soccer"
Monkey Man new friend meant "drunk", and she no offer opinion
one way or the other about Monkey Man absense from Pat cartoon.
So
next, Monkey Man go into AOL Chat Room. Monkey Man figure he get LOTS
of people opinions, or weed out the stupids and find really smart Chat
friend.
Monkey
Man find a good one under special interest...it simply titled BOSTON.
Monkey
Man think that AOL mean the band, but no, they mean the CITY. This room
for people that are fans of the city BOSTON. Monkey Man kid you not. Anyway,
here how it went down.
Monkey
Man not making this up. These people no use real words, just lots of beeps
and buzzers. Short crap, like crazy man muttering. So Monkey Man realize
he have to get the ball rolling and start new trend of intelligent conversation.
It
no working. So, when in Rome...
Okay,
so Monkey Man lie and say he female and live in Brocktown. But RUSE WORK
because thay guy Mike actually instant message me! The con am on. Monkey
Man realize if he want to find out what Mike REALLY think of Monkey Man
no being in PAT cartoon he'd have to keep up guise of crazy lonely internet
girl.
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Mike0230 |
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Mike0230: Sorry, thought you were a male by the name
NotMonkeyMan: hey there handsome
NotMonkeyMan: It okay Not Monkey Man
get that everytime.
NotMonkeyMan: Wink
Mike0230: How old r u?
NotMonkeyMan: 18, yes
Mike0230: I'm 20
Mike0230: My name's mike, whats yours?
NotMonkeyMan: It's not Monkey Man,
I'm not Monkey Man, though he's way cool
NotMonkeyMan: In fact, all the other
hotty eighteen year old girls were saying how HE should have
been in the PAT cartoon
Mike0230: I have absolutely no idea what your talking
about hehe
NotMonkeyMan: Sure you don't hehe
Mike0230: What side do you live on?
NotMonkeyMan: Which of Monkey Man's
buttons is your favorite, though, seriously?
NotMonkeyMan: What side do you THINK
I live on
NotMonkeyMan: I mean, come on
Mike0230: Great talkin to ya, lata
NotMonkeyMan: Lover?
NotMonkeyMan: Where'd you go, lover?
Mike0230: i'm here
NotMonkeyMan: Oh good
NotMonkeyMan: So getting back to
the button question
NotMonkeyMan: I like the one that
turns him into a kitten, purrrrrrr
NotMonkeyMan: I know, I know, it
tough choice
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Mike
no answer, he obviously still thinking of answer. If Mike ever get back
to Monkey Man about this, Monkey Man let you know.
But
Monkey Man realize he onto something, so he next go to LIMP BIZKIT fan
chat room. Limp Bizkit fans generally known for being very smart, not
retardeds like fan of Boston. Okay, here go.
Friggin'
A. FutureHOTTIE tells the people to type 55 if they a hot lady, and Limp
Stephen show that jerk whatfor and type out A DIFFERENT NUMBER. It Limp
Stephen's way of saying, "Why not try again when your AOL name is PRESENThottie24,
bi-atch!"
It was at this point that Monkey Man knows that if ANYONE here could provide
Monkey Man with the right answer, it Limp Stephen. So Monkey Man decide
to talk to him on his level.
So Monkey Man seek private council with Limp Stephen. And here how it go.
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limpstephen |
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NotMonkeyMan: Dude, BREAK STUFF
LIMP BIZKIT LOL
limpstephen: ?
NotMonkeyMan: Right on, rock and
roll
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man just
had one question about limp bizkit that I thought maybe you
could answer
limpstephen: what
NotMonkeyMan: So, say your friends
made a show that alot of people liked, but LEFT YOU OUT OF
IT even though you're the coolest blue monkey they know? Would
you be mad?
NotMonkeyMan: And uh
NotMonkeyMan: What's your favorite
Limp Bizkit song?
limpstephen: hell yeah
NotMonkeyMan: You'd BREAK STUFF
right?
limpstephen: yeah
limpstephen: lol
limpstephen: livin it up
NotMonkeyMan: Because Not Monkey
Man has friends that totally dissed him
limpstephen: i would break those friends face
NotMonkeyMan: I mean, Not Monkey
Man knows someone who's friends totally dissed him
NotMonkeyMan: You'd break their
face?
NotMonkeyMan: Even if the show was
named after them and they didn't wear any clothes?
limpstephen: if i was u
limpstephen: it would be funny
NotMonkeyMan: Thank you, Limp Steve
(may I call you Limp Steve?) you've been most helpful
NotMonkeyMan: FRED DURST IN 2002!
limpstephen: yeah
NotMonkeyMan: Peace, Not Monkey
Man outty.
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So there
you have it. Limp Stephen, whom from now on shall be called PIMP STEPHEN
in Monkey Man's book, give Monkey Man advice to go out and break Pat's face.
But
is violence the answer? Monkey Man need to make sure, so he turn to religion.
Or,
more accurately, a religous chat room.
Or
even MORE accurately, a CHRISTIAN SINGLES chatroom.
Monkey
Man pretend he from Illinois so girl talk to him. Here's how it go.
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Christian Chat-paisley61 |
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paisley61: hey asl
NotMonkeyMan: Hello, just so you
know this no Monkey Man
NotMonkeyMan: How you doin'?
paisley61: ok
paisley61: haha
paisley61: good
NotMonkeyMan: Good
paisley61: wut is ur age?
NotMonkeyMan: I eighteen, but some
say I have heart of 19 year old
NotMonkeyMan: How about you
paisley61: 16
paisley61: y do u have the heart of a 19 year old
NotMonkeyMan: Because
NotMonkeyMan: Um
NotMonkeyMan: 18 year olds take
things for granted
paisley61: um ok.. i don't get it
NotMonkeyMan: But 19 year olds learn
to slow down and appreciate life
paisley61: oic
NotMonkeyMan: speaking of appreciate
life, Not Monkey Man have question for you
paisley61: so where in illinois r u from?
NotMonkeyMan: and please no LOL
NotMonkeyMan: Can Not Monkey Man
ask?
paisley61: yes u can
NotMonkeyMan: Thank you
paisley61: but i might not answer
NotMonkeyMan: Say Paisley61's friends
make internet cartoon show starring all Paisley61's friends
BUT Paisley61, how would that make Paisley61 feel?
NotMonkeyMan: And
NotMonkeyMan: what your favorite
God song?
paisley61: i wouldn't care.. i would feel left out but
not be
angered... it is all for fun.. and my fav song, i dunno, i
guess "Shine Jesus Shine"
paisley61: where in il r u from?
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man no
like to say where he from, you never know who you talk to
on internet
NotMonkeyMan: Hope you understand
NotMonkeyMan: But getting back to
question
paisley61: i do but i just wanna know where u r from
paisley61: i m not a syco even though u may not believe
that
NotMonkeyMan: Oh, I hope you no
syco
paisley61: y do u talk in the third person some of the
time?
NotMonkeyMan: What you mean?
paisley61: "Not Monkey Man wants to ask u a question"
NotMonkeyMan: Your name is Not Monkey
Man too? Okay, ask question
paisley61: interesting
NotMonkeyMan: But
paisley61: wonderful
paisley61: exhilerating
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man's best
friend Stephen say he break face of people that leave him
out of internet cartoon show
NotMonkeyMan: And he really smart
paisley61: i g2g
NotMonkeyMan: but but
NotMonkeyMan: Now Not Monkey Man
REALLY confused as to
what to do
NotMonkeyMan: You take care, God
love you.
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Crap
crap crap. Now Monkey Man getting TWO different pieces of advice.
1.
Go kick Pat's ass
or
2.
Don't sweat it, and sing "Shine Jesus Shine".
It
obvious Monkey Man need a tie breaker. So he go to LAST chat room of night,
where all REALLY REALLY smart people SURE to go.
Monkey
Man decide he better lay it on thick and make with the simple jokes. After
all, they fans of N SYNC.
Okay,
so it obvious that if xtc grl224 don't have answers to all life's problems,
no one do. But first Monkey Man had to win her over.
Monkey Man take the big plunge and decide to make first move, I-M xtc grl224
and start conversation going..
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xtc grl1224 |
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NotMonkeyMan: You Missy Good times
xtc grl224: umm
xtc grl224: i dunno
xtc grl224: WEENIE!!
xtc grl224: hahha
NotMonkeyMan: You all like "here's
the party and I the party queen"
xtc grl224: yea!
xtc grl224: exactly!
NotMonkeyMan: I bet you say cool
things like "kiss my grits" and "sit on it,
potsie!"
NotMonkeyMan: right?
xtc grl224: kewl phrases!!
xtc grl224: thnx
xtc grl224: !!
xtc grl224: there great!
NotMonkeyMan: Totally doesn't high
school SUCK?
xtc grl224: yea
NotMonkeyMan: I hate it
NotMonkeyMan: for instance
xtc grl224: they suck WEENIE!!!
NotMonkeyMan: Yeah!
NotMonkeyMan: Oh My God, yeah!
NotMonkeyMan: They should SIT ON
IT POTSIE
xtc grl224: hahaha
NotMonkeyMan: Dig this
NotMonkeyMan: In high school today
xtc grl224: yea?
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man's friends
made a internet show and they didn't ask Not Monkey Man to
be in it
NotMonkeyMan: Even though Not Monkey
Man's advice column is way more popular than Pat's stupid
cartoon strips
NotMonkeyMan: What should Not Monkey
Man do?
xtc grl224: umm
xtc grl224: im so cunfuzzled
NotMonkeyMan: Give it a second and
then answer
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man REALLY
need advice
NotMonkeyMan: see, Not Monkey Man's
two best friends give two DIFFERENT advices.
xtc grl224: umm
NotMonkeyMan: One say KICK THEIR
ASS
xtc grl224: yea!
xtc grl224: i agree!!
NotMonkeyMan: and other say LET
IT GO, IT'S NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT, AND SING SHINE JESUS,
SHINE
NotMonkeyMan: But Not Monkey Man
was thinking Not Monkey Man could kick their ass WHILE letting
it go and singing Shine Jesus Shine.
xtc grl224: i say kick their ass!!
NotMonkeyMan: so no singing?
xtc grl224: umm
xtc grl224: BOTH!
NotMonkeyMan: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!
NotMonkeyMan: You're a big help
NotMonkeyMan: A big help with WEENIES!
xtc grl224: thnx
xtc grl224: heheh
xtc grl224: :-D
NotMonkeyMan: We should hang out
NotMonkeyMan: But only if you know
Geri Halliwell
xtc grl224: yea i think we should
NotMonkeyMan: Do you?
xtc grl224: oh
xtc grl224: i knoe prue halliwell
xtc grl224: is that close enough?
NotMonkeyMan: She might be related,
good enough!
NotMonkeyMan: Not Monkey Man think
he love you, xtc girl
xtc grl224: hehe
NotMonkeyMan: You much better than
1,223 other xtc girls.
xtc grl224: :-D
NotMonkeyMan: You should change
name to xtc WOMAN
NotMonkeyMan: Because you truly
are.
xtc grl224: hahahahaha
xtc grl224: thats GREAT!
NotMonkeyMan: Thank you for advice
xtc grl224: ur welcome
xtc grl224: U just do wut a NOT MONKEY MAN's gotta do!
xtc grl224: otay!
NotMonkeyMan: Exactly, you hit nail
on head!
NotMonkeyMan: WEENIE HEAD!
xtc grl224: hahahaha
xtc grl224: ur so great!
xtc grl224: bye!
xtc grl224: luv ya lots!
xtc grl224: *muah*
xtc grl224: :-*
NotMonkeyMan: Monkey Man MAKE FRIEND!
NotMonkeyMan: THiS GREAT DAY!
xtc grl224: heheh
xtc grl224: yay!!
NotMonkeyMan: Good bye, best friend!
xtc grl224: good bye!
xtc grl224: this day is GRAND!
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So
there you have it. Word of advice for Pat and friends. You hear husky voice
singing SHINE JESUS SHINE behind you, it not your imagination. It JUSTICE,
and Monkey Man gonna---
---ah,
who Monkey Man kidding? Why Monkey Man be upset on day he make NEW best
friend?
xtc
girl and Monkey Man no have time to be angry, they too busy buyin' new
kicks at the mall and shoutin' weenie weenie weenie at the food court.
Monkey
Man guess N SYNC not so bad, either. If not for Godless No-Talent "Boy"
Band, Monkey Man never meet xtc girl.
So
thanks, Godless No-Talent "Boy" Band. Monkey Man owe you. Monkey
Man still hate you and your albums and the way you talk and want to pluck
Justin's eyes out of his head and piss in the sockets while Britney give
Monkey Man back massage, but Monkey Man think you're a-okay.
Moral
of today's ASK MONKEY MAN? Who needs stupid internet cartoon when you
have true friends.
Either
that or internet very very scary place. Not sure which.
Either
way, no try contacting people in column, Monkey Man change their names
to protect them. Especially xtc girl MONKEY MAN SWEAR YOU LEAVE HER ALONE
OR...
...sorry,
Monkey Man get carried away. Until next week, peace, Monkey Man outty!
WEENIES!
Hah!
Take that! LOL!
Seriously,
what fuck LOL mean? Hmmmm?
WEENIES!
Hah!
But seriously, what fuck LOL mean?
Okay,
me go now.
WEE...sorry.
...NIES! Yeah! Um.
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