WEEK TWELVE:

MONKEY MAN

IN

MY DINNER WITH HARRY KNOWLES

(WHEREIN I WAS FORCED TO EAT A SINGLE SLAB OF BUTTER AND MY NAPKIN BECAUSE HARRY INHALED EVERYTHING ELSE)

Before Monkey Man get into meat of article, Monkey Man have to explain something:

There a time when Monkey Man LOVE Harry Knowles and AINT IT COOL NEWS. Love it. Monkey Man all like, "what movie should Monkey Man see this weekend?" And then Monkey Man go "hmmmmmmmmmmm, Harry Knowles says GODZILLA da bomb, Monkey Man go see that". And then Monkey Man go see GODZILLA and laugh and laugh and thank God for using more genius and people-meat than usual to create Mr. Knowles.

And Monkey Man realize he have to kill Harry Knowles in ANGRY NAKED PAT comic strip, way back in SPRING CLEANIN' 2---

---but Monkey Man just do what Sideburned Pale Man tell him to do. Sideburned Pale Man actually meet Harry, and say he "hella nice guy" in person. This confuse Monkey Man, because (A)why Sideburned Pale Man make fun of Knowles if he like him, and (B) why Sideburned Pale Man use stupid phrase "hella". He no black girl from Miami Real World, he stupid white boy try be cool.

OR DO HE?

Lately, Monkey Man feel like whore reading AINT IT COOL. For years, Harry talk about movie called IRON MONKEY. Ooooooooooooh, it just the best. Harry's bigtime Hollywood power player friends, like the director of MIMIC, say "Harry, yo, you gotta check this movie out, it's da bomb diggety!" And Harry see it and nod head and go "yes it am" and then post review that take two years to read that says "I bang hot chick in New York, Dad bought new shoes, IRON MONKEY awesome, fuck Ring Dings are tasty..."

So Harry like IRON MONKEY. Good for Harry. Miramax buy IRON MONKEY, it going to be released in America. All is good.

But lately, when Monkey Man visit AINT IT COOL site, he PUNCHED IN FACE with ads for IRON MONKEY. Wherever he drag mouse, IRON MONKEY logo follow him so he have to click. More and more "unsolicited reviews" start pouring in saying it greatest thing since dead squirrel.

You read right. Underground Anti-Hollywood Review Site now getting money to put up ads for IRON MONKEY. And that weird. That really weird. There other ads for other crappy things on site, but Monkey Man think it odd that super hip anti-Hollywood getting money from movie studio. Suddenly, reviews no seem as genuine to Monkey Man.

Think about it. Say you have friend. SAY IT. And this fat friend tell you all about movies to see and you trust him. But one day, after friend say "Hey, you should check out that new IRON MONKEY movie, it's awesome". But then as you walk away you see studio that releasing IRON MONKEY paying your friend to praise it. And from that point on, everytime you hang out with friend, he KEEP TALKING ABOUT IRON MONKEY.

This what Harry do. Well, Monkey Man look Harry straight in eye and say "nigga what?" Monkey Man not happy with ads. Neither were millions of people who go AINT IT COOL, they complain.

To "make up" for ads, Harry say Mirmax throw big sneak preview screening for fans. Oh, hello more propaganda-man, thank you for shoving it FURTHER down our throats.

AND THAT NOT ALL! Harry post little clip of Quentin Tarantino saying how much HE LOVE IRON MONKEY. Wow! What studio make Quentin movies again? Oh yes, Miramax. Whole thing start playing like telethon raise money for Harvey Weinstein new Mercedes.

But Monkey Man refuse to believe that Harry sell out like that.

So he go to AINT IT COOL chat room and try to get to bottom of problem. And Monkey Man try to find out truth from people that run chat room because they work with Harry. It just depress Monkey Man more. Here transcript. All non-Monkey Man questions edited out for clarity.

Here go---

Monkey Man not know why "Alexandra Du Pont" think that just saying her name would be enough for Monkey Man to know who she was. There LOTS people on AINT IT COOL, Alexandra Du Pont, or should Monkey Man say "Jed De Muggling", sorry if Monkey Man no know you.

Okay, now this just stupid. Alexander DeLarge actually think that Harry load site with LINKS THAT READER MUST CLICK ON because he love the movie so much? Surely he no think that Monkey Man THAT STUPID. But oh, he do...

Yep. Because Monkey Man NO SEE Harry accept money for ads, then Monkey Man must be talking out of ass. Because if it ain't concrete fact, it ain't news. This coming from site that posts "CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHAT MY SISTER HEARD FROM THIS GUY WHO OVERHEARD A MAN IN A HAT TALKING ABOUT HOW HE READ SOMEWHERE THAT SOME GUY SAID THAT SETH GREEN IS THE NEXT JAMES BOND" as it's banner headline.

Alexander De Large pretty much get award for biggest idiot of the year. And he a bit defensive, too, don't you think? Monkey Man do.

First of all, fuck you, creepygreenlight, BATTLEFIELD EARTH rule. And second of all, Alexander De Large claim it fine that AINT IT COOL, a movie review site, accepts ads for movies. So you can see why Monkey Man feel like smartest man in room.

Jed-DeMuggling, who said he/she/it work for site, claim Harry Knowles just sit back and FORCED TO TAKE any ad that pay money. Sorry, Ms. DeMuggling (can Monkey Man call you Jed?), but this his site, he take great pride in that. He have say. So F to the Y to O to the YOU!

Okay, hereby cementing status as biggest friggin' idiot in the world is Alexander DeLarge. Alex no get really simple, almost first grade comparison. Stupid, stupid people. Note to Harry: Tell your representatives to simply play dumb when asked about you. They make you look stupid.

HAH! Logan knows what time it is.

Oh, good one, Alexander DeLarge. You play stupid. Oh wait, Monkey Man read EVERYTHING ELSE YOU WRITE IN CHAT ROOM TRANSCRIPT. It no playing. How sad for you and for your loved ones.

Well then, he dumber than Alexander De Large. He no know what on his site so's you can't get mad at him!

Answer for Alexan-duh. When you run site that posts reviews of movies that are still in their editing stages and have to sneak people into screenings for fear of being kicked out, that anti-Hollywood. Unless Hollywood write big enough check, Monkey Man guesses.

What Alexander no understand? Ah yes, logic. Clearly spelled out logic. Sorry, Alexander. Hey, at least now we have answer to question "Can someone get internet access when they're REALLY FAR up Harry's ass?" Answer: Alexander did.

Okay, at this point, Alexander try and deflect heat by telling chat room Monkey Man ACTUALLY some racist chat room menace that plague them in past. Alex KEEP TELLING EVERYONE Monkey Man someone else, so no one listen to Monkey Man. But please pay attention HOW QUICK someone is to correct sad dumb person.

Oops! Sorry Alexander, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you!

This part sheer gold. Even when someone tell Alexander it different ISP, Alexander ignore him. Ignoring facts to fit story, this not like AINT IT COOL at all. Though Jed DeMuggling is AINT IT COOL, and Jed called Alexander on it, so maybe not everyone from AINT IT COOL bad. Sorry, Jed.

Whoa. This throw Monkey Man loop. Monkey Man making name forself. But at least Monkey Man now have "dork cred" with room.

Now Alexander try new tactic, change subject, tell everyone what she listening to. Monkey Man figure this equivelant of turning up music to drown out someone you no want hear. Sorry, Alexander, but truth louder than music.

But Monkey Man no outty. No outty at all. Not even close to being outty. Monkey Man try new tactic, TRY TO BLEND IN WITH THE VIRGINS.

But it no use. Monkey Man ignored. Truth hurts AINT IT COOL people. Truth hurts BIG. Monkey Man try again next night, simply type "How much money did Miramax pay Harry for IRON MONKEY ads?" and Monkey Man get INSTANTLY BANNED. For asking THAT QUESTION.

Monkey Man going to get to bottom of things, if Monkey Man have to find big fat wizard himself. So that what Monkey Man do.

Monkey Man email HARRY KNOWLES.

Here Monkey Man email.

Harry, this Monkey Man.

We never met but Monkey Man big fan of site. Monkey Man troubled, though. AINT IT COOL NEWS always been super awesome anti-establishment web-site. Monkey Man base what movies he see on what Harry like and no like. As such, Monkey Man had to sit through BLAIR WITCH 2 (hey, no one perfect, Harry, but Monkey Man assume you go through heavy drug period at this time) and Monkey Man avoided MONKEYBONE (which Monkey Man caught on DVD and Monkey Man must admit, Harry Knowles correct. It not only bad, but movie not nearly as sexy as title suggest).

But lately, super awesome anti-establishment website AINT IT COOL seem to have too many ads for movie. This movie IRON MONKEY and Monkey Man fear it conflict of interest for Harry Knowles. Monkey Man understand you LIKE film, and Monkey Man fully believe that you hype it even if Miramax NOT backing big money truck up to Knowles residence. But that said, Monkey Man go to AICN site and move cursor around, eagerly wanting to hear latest soon-to-be-proven-wrong movie gossip, and IRON MONKEY logo follow him wherever he go. Monkey Man click on it thinking he make it go away, but HORROR OF HORRORS it no go away, it take him to Iron Monkey site. What fuck that? You big time "damn the man" indie terrific website, you no in back pocket of Miramax brothers.

It make Monkey Man, and probably other uber-fans of AICN wonder "do Harry REALLY like the IRON MONKEY?". Your site quickly seem like infomercial. Monkey Man half expect to see Harry Knowles wearing bright multi-colored sweater selling salad shooter (by the way, this surely only time in history where words "Harry Knowles" and "salad" used in same sentence, ha ha, Monkey Man kid Harry, Monkey Man try keep light but Monkey Man deadly serious).

Celebrity testimonials from Quentin Tarantino (who also do some work for Miramax, so hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, this smell funny and not ha ha funny but kinda smell you get when you kill small forrest animal and leave under bed for days, you understand) and "exclusive clips" and "thrown together at last minute PREVIEW SCREENING WHOOPS HOW THIS HAPPEN?" just make Monkey Man feel dirty to read about.

Entertainment Weekly owned by Warner Brothers. When Entertainment Weekly talk about anything done by Warner Brothers, they also tell reader that they owned by it, so reader know that opinion might be skewed. Monkey Man think Harry should do something kind like that, say "I LOVE IRON MONKEY AND I SEE IT AND YOU SHOULD SEE IT BUT JUST KNOW THAT MIRAMAX PAY ME GOBS MONEY TO REFURNISH SUPER COOL BASEMENT-APARTMENT IN DAD'S HOUSE BUT I LIKE IT ANYWAY I SWEAR" just so readers know where you coming from. Sure IRON MONKEY good movie, and sure you like it even if you not paid to, but readers depend on Harry Knowles for accurate news and objective opinions, no tarnish that, Harry Knowles, no tarnish that.

Monkey Man hope Harry Knowles help him out on this. Monkey Man know you will. Monkey Man try and talk to people that work for AINT IT COOL NEWS in chat room, but they ban him when he ask questions. This hurt Monkey Man.

Good luck everything you do, Harry Knowles. Monkey Man hopes you make it right so Monkey Man can stay number one fan. God Bless you. God Bless America.

Peace, Monkey Man outty.

P.S. Oh, this unrelated, but for love of God, please stop talking all gross-like about having sweaty sex with Harry Knowles' "kitten" in New York. This just reek of virgin making up stories. Harry Knowles have sex, Monkey Man applaud you. But Monkey Man no need to read Harry keep going "I have the sex, ALL THE TIME HA-CHA-CHA". Sometimes Monkey Man eat while surfing net.

Take care, Harry Knowles.

And next day, lo and behold, Harry Knowles email Monkey Man back. Harry no see happy Monkey Man.

You do realize that every critic in the country, has movie ads running alongside their reviews in Newspapers? That Buena Vista produces Ebert's show... The ads on AICN are handled by an independent ad corporation. The only time I have any say is when an ad is offensive to me or the readership, then I call up the company and the advertiser and ask for a modification.

If you check, I've been mentioning my love of IRON MONKEY for well over 3 years now on the site. Quentin taped that thing on IRON MONKEY unknown to me, till I received it in email 2 or 3 days ago. Movie Ads will become more and more common on AICN as it only makes sense for studios to advertise here as this is their prime demographic. Hopefully they will be good movies, I would prefer independent films and movies that I like and that the audience will like... only because I would hate to see shitty movies advertised here. But again... I have no say in these matters... The ad company that handles our advertising does.

Harry

This make Monkey Man sad. Not only because Harry no put super long but REALLY INTERESTING story about personal life in email so it read like his reviews, but because Harry no see what wrong with what he do. So Monkey Man send back THIS email.

Harry, Monkey Man appreciate your honest words and kind heart. It VERY TRUE that Movie Critics have ads near their reviews, absolutely. But here where Harry Knowles and newspaper movie critic different.

1. Movie critic no put engrossing story about how they have giant slurpee on way to theater, have to make them pee all during second act. Harry do. That why Monkey Man say "hey, Harry Knowles just like me. He good time movie goer guy, fuck, Monkey Man feel like he kniggety know (that new catch phrase, started by Monkey Man, you can use, Harry Knowles, go ahead) Harry. Harry one of us (or TWO of us, hah hah, Monkey Man kid again, Harry Knowles, see, internet friendly place, it about trading of ideas and forming false relationships).

2. AINT IT COOL NEWS pride itself on being voice of everyman, the fan gets a say, the dogs have their day, the losers get some play, you dig? Studios no like when fans post SPOILER FREE review of test screening, well, fugg that, we gonna! You often say you NOT typical reviewer, you let fans in on life, ideas, and, whether we not it or not, your sexual activities. You let EVERYONE who wants to talk about film have their say. AINT IT COOL supposed to be independent of movie studio influence AND Hollywood smoke screen bullcrap.

So you can see why Monkey Man get crazy feelings in stomach when Harry (or advertising people, sorry, didn't know that, Harry. Nobody perfect, except Moriarty) have MOVIE ADS on site. Underground site who says "DAMN THE HOLLYWOOD MAN" should maybe not have movie ads. It the only type AINT IT COOL really should avoid, in this blue monkey with magical buttons and a helmet's opinion.

So that where Monkey Man coming from, Harry Knowles. Monkey Man really only see Harry Knowles approved movies, and while sometimes this not serve Monkey Man well (Monkey Man assume Harry try some kind of super mega hyper crack the day he see BLAIR WITCH 2), Monkey Man stick to it. But now Monkey Man conflicted. IS Harry Knowles to be listened to? Heart tells Monkey Man yes, yes, yes, listen, Monkey Man listen. And then heart goes back to pumping blood throughout body because it NOT JUST for telling owner how to feel about Harry Knowles, fuck no sir.

Anyway, good luck with book, Monkey Man hope it come out on audio cassette, and Monkey Man cross metal claws that unfortunately named BUTT NUMB A THON is a super blast this year.

Also, Monkey Man think Harry Knowles should change "spoiler" catch phrase to "Sha-poopy". You know, so instead of going "BOY OH BOY IS STAR WARS II GONNA SUCK (SPOILERS)" you can go "STAR WARS BLOWS SHA-POOPY" and everyone know what you talk about.

Peace, Harry Knowles, Monkey Man outty.

And Harry no reply. He probably very angry with Monkey Man. But what most sad about this exchange is Harry say there no difference between him and newspaper reviewer. And Harry, that not point of site at beginning. In beginning, you say you very different. You supposed to OUTSIDE Hollywood system. Now you say you happily part of it. So what good AINT IT COOL now? Answer? None. None good.

Also, Harry, other difference between you and newspaper reviewers. They no accept free flights/hotel to go see movies and visit sets. They say something silly about it being "conflict of interest". Stupid newspaper reviewers.

So take care, Harry Knowles. You have many sheep-like fans that still believe in sad dumb dream. But this sheep wake up from dream. And he never want to sleep again.

Okay, Monkey Man no know what that mean, Monkey Man sorry. But Monkey Man find answer to question Harry website asking EVERY DAY.

Here it is.

No, Harry. No it ain't. It was, kinda, but it far from that now.

Peace, Harry Knowles Monkey Man outty. Monkey outty forever.

In meantime, send questions about life and love HERE. Monkey Man answer. Life good for all. Peace, Monkey Man outty.