WEEK THIRTEEN:

The location: The Food Court at Monmouth Mall, Eatontown, New Jersey.

The time: Wednesday, October 17, 2001

The reason: The reunion of MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON co-conspirators Brian Lynch (writer), DJ Coffman (artist/letterer) and Monkey Man (star).

Over the next thirty minutes, Monkey Man attempted to interview the players behind his MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON limited series (which started Sunday, October 21 and will continue for four straight weeks).

What follows is a transcript of said conversation.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man no want Chik Fil-A. Chik Fil-A mormon food. Stand not even open on Sunday, that fucking weird.

BRIAN LYNCH: It's not open Sundays for religious reasons. The christians see it as a day of rest.

MONKEY MAN: Hmmmmmm interesting who asked you, sit there and eat your Mormon feed, and B, it supposed to be day of rest, what you do when YOU rest, sideburned pale man? You eat. But DICK SCHILL-GAY not open, so you starve.

DJ COFFMAN: Dick Schill---?

MONKEY MAN: TRY KEEP UP.

BRIAN LYNCH: It HAS to be closed. No one can man the counters because they're NOT SUPPOSED TO WORK. Who will man the counters?

MONKEY MAN: Duh, robots. Robots will man counters. And they'll serve robot chickens with glowing robot eyes. Problem solved, how you like Monkey Man now,CHIDE-BURNED FAIL MAN?

(Long silence)

BRIAN LYNCH: What?

MONKEY MAN: Shut up. (At this point, DJ Coffman gets a little restless, squirms in his seat)

BRIAN LYNCH: Hey, Monkey Man, maybe you could, you know, ask DJ about the damn series. That's the reason we're here.

MONKEY MAN: Yes massuh, Monkey Man get straight to the whorin'. That why we here, isn't it?

(pause, Monkey Man takes out index cards, reads)

"So DJ, how did you come to be the artist slanted line letterer of MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON?"

DJ: Uh, I'm not really sure how it happened. I woke up one morning and I was chained to my desk. Beside me was a stack of scripts, blank bristol and a note that said. "you now draw Monkey Man….forget whatever else you doing." So, I , uh, started drawing Monkey Man.

MONKEY MAN: Wise move, Cough-man.

(silent beat)

BRIAN LYNCH: Did you just try and change his name to something insulting? Because it sounded the same, really--

MONKEY MAN: AND DJ DJ HEY DJ why you think you good enough to draw Monkey Man?

DJ: Well it was a monumental task at first. I didn't know if I could do it, but the second day that I awoke, chained to my art table, the pages I had drawn the night before were gone and in their place was a plate of meat and a note that had a thumbs up drawn on it, so I sort of figured I was doing a good job.

MONKEY MAN: You think? Newsflash Scoff-ham---

(Monkey Man looks to Brian, who nods, proudly)

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man America sweetheart. Not just anyone can draw Monkey Man. And besides, you draw Monkey Man all wrong. Monkey Man no sleep in a little box and slam alarm clocks and hate Mondays.

(Brian Lynch whispers in Monkey Man's ear for a good minute)

MONKEY MAN: Fuck, that embarressing. Sorry, DJ, you good, you draw Monkey Man real nice, better than he ever been drawn I'M LOOKING AT YOU WHEN I SAY THAT SIDEBURNED PALE MAN. What you draw BEFORE you draw Monkey Man?

DJ: Before Monkey Man I was doing various other freelance artwork including.---

MONKEY MAN: And why not you draw Monkey Man every week? What, you busy?

DJ: Well, like I was saying before you interrupted me, I draw a daily syndicated comic strip called Gravity, which is in newspapers nationwi--

MONKEY MAN: Gravity sha-poopy, DJ. No one read papers anymore, it dead medium. Really, go ask anyone. You best get on money train OR SHOULD MONKEY MAN SAY "MONKEY TRAIN" YES MONKEY MAN SHOULD and frig other nonsense. It like Monkey Man overhear wise man say in lab he from.

(Monkey Man smiles proud. Brian and DJ look to each other, confused)

MONKEY MAN: What?

BRIAN LYNCH: What did you hear wise man say?

MONKEY MAN: He said FRIG OTHER NONSENSE are you even paying attention?!!?! God---

(to passing shopper)

---is it me? IS IT????

(Shopper runs crying)

MONKEY MAN: We should gone somewhere remote. Fans no know how react when they see Monkey Man. It like all three Beatles all in one.

BRIAN LYNCH: Actually, Monkey Man, you said something interesting before, about a man in a lab. This might be a good time to let the readers know something about your past, let them know what they can expect from the limited series.

MONKEY MAN: Oh gosh, Monkey Man WOULD, sideburned pale man, but last Monkey Man checked, Monkey Man advice columnist and fugitive, not FULL TIME WHORE. You do it.

BRIAN LYNCH: Uh, DJ. Okay. We've basically taken the myth of the New Delhian Monkey Man---

MONKEY MAN: What a "myth"?

BRIAN LYNCH: ---it's something that's definitely real, and expanded on it. Fleshed it out. Told what REALLY happened. Who Monkey Man is, how he got to be like he is, why he was such a feared creature that EVEN THOUGH no one really saw him, there were ACTUAL INSTANCES of people jumping off roofs and falling downstairs killing themselves because they THOUGHT they saw him. We explain it all. And we reveal how Monkey Man came to join up with the other characters from ANGRY NAKED PAT. Anything you want to add, DJ?

DJ: Well, I personally didn't know there was a "REAL" Monkey Man..That's funny! I wasn't sure if I could tackle Monkey Man and bring him to life in comic form, but once it started clicking, and the plates of meat kept rolling in, I was hooked. I can't get enough.

MONKEY MAN: Wow, that sound really exciting. If Monkey Man wasn't so tired from being bored Monkey Man would applaud.

BRIAN LYNCH: We could easily give the next comic book to ANOTHER Pat charac---

MONKEY MAN:

(quickly reading index cards)

SO DJ DJ WAIT DJ, "Without giving too much away, what your favorite sequence in ENTIRE MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON limited series" see Monkey Man team player, uh huh everyone settle down we all friends here Monkey Man have steel claws.

DJ: Hmmm..Good question. It was all really fun to read, and I wasn't sure what Brian was throwing at me next. Each episode has it's high points, and they seem to get better and better. I love Monkey Man's transformation, and then the battle with the Lab Goons. Oh, and I about died laughing when I learned the origin of the dorky helmet!

MONKEY MAN: Dorky?

(reads from index card)

"Any new characters introduced in limited series?"

DJ: Oh, by far Giraffe Guy is one of my favs. And Monkey Lady is cool too. I got a chance to draw a lot of the ANP cast too, but I don't want to give away too much.

MONKEY MAN: But Monkey Man still get most face time, right? Right. Say DJ, off record, why you think sideburned pale man and Cesca no include Monkey Man in first couple animated PAT cartoons? Who fuck leave out most popular character.

It like going "Hey X-MEN fans, here new movie, and we get rid of that pesky Wolverine, now thrill to adventures of Jubilee, that little stupid dragon that follow around Kitty Pryde and some black kid with power to talk to grapes". Why Monkey Man no in cartoon? Hmmmmmmmm, DJ, hmmmmmmmmm?

DJ: Well, perhaps it's because Lynch was busy writing you your own limited series. Or maybe they don't like small colored folk.

MONKEY MAN: Oh, sorry, that wrong answer. Correct one is "Sideburned Pale Man and Bob Cesca retarded."

BRIAN LYNCH: Idiot, you're in the animated cartoons, it's like two months away, if that---

MONKEY MAN: What? Hmmmmmmm? Someone forget draw Monkey Man with ears, Monkey Man no hear you.

(reads)

"So, DJ, what you're favorite character in series to draw?" I mean, besides Monkey Man.

DJ: Well, I got to say I enjoyed drawing all of it, really. If I had to choose of course I'd say Pat was fun to draw as well. If I had to pick anyone else besides Monkey Man, I'd definitely say Giraffe Guy.

BRIAN LYNCH: I gotta say, I really enjoyed writing the---

MONKEY MAN: DJ, you have anything upcoming that involve GOOD WRITERS we can look forward to?

DJ: Well, Bob McDeavitt is the co-writer on the Gravity strip and you never know what we might do as a side project. A fella named Jim Patrick writes Crackurz which is cool and I may be doing more of in the future, but right now I'm just having a blast working with-------

MONKEY MAN: And what your plan with---

(nods towards Brian Lynch)

You done with him? Move onto better things, hmmm? Just say yes, for your sake, sake of children, say yes.

DJ: Yes…..the answer is no. As a matter of fact, word on the street is there's another stack of blank bristol in my basement with your name on it.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man no know what bristol is but if it got Monkey Man's name on it, then it property of Monkey Man and you best get away. Now DJ, Monkey Man think most important question is---

(looks behind Brian and DJ)

FUCK YOGURT TREATS!

At this point, Monkey Man ran off and left Brian and DJ to talk amongst themselves. He has not been heard from since.

To read MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON, click HERE.

Send questions about life and love HERE. Monkey Man answer. Life good for all. Peace, Monkey Man outty.