WEEK FIFTEEN:

What Monkey Man doing January 1st, 2002? That good question. Monkey Man nursing hangover and cleaning up vomit from living room rug. Not Monkey Man's vomit, it all come from Monkey Boy, who reflexively lose lunch at sight of Dick Clark.

What Seattle Star Wars Society President John Guth and Seattle Star Wars society member Jeff Tweiten doing January 1st , 2002? They getting on line for STAR WARS EPISODE II:ATTACK OF THE CLONES.

That last paragraph easily funniest thing ever written on www.angrynakedpat.com.

First, revelation that there is a Seattle Star Wars Society ("Third annual meeting of Seattle Star Wars Society come to order! First order business: why no flannel in EWOKS:BATTLE OF ENDOR? Second order business, we watch all Star Wars films again and they still crappy. Seriously doubting reason for this society").

Second, while movie doesn't come out until May 16th, John and Jeff get on line now. Five months before it come out. And theater they wait outside of, yeah, it not even definitely carrying STAR WARS movie.

Why they do it? Check out their site at http://www.waitingforstarwars.com. They update live from line, and put up funny posters with their faces replacing famous peoples' faces, and the word "line" replacing word in title for maximum comedy effect.

But if you read stuff on their site, it would appear they, other than posters and whole waiting on line thing, very smart and normal fellas. So Monkey Man have wonder WHY they do it? And who better to ask then John and Jeff themselves.

So here Monkey Man email interview with Grand Moff John and Padawn Jeff. Monkey Man find them warm and have good sense of humor. And Monkey Man think that if this interview were done in person, Monkey Man find them very smelly.

"This is a five word way of saying 'virgin'."
"Um, what's the thing that's written on John and Jeff's shirt, Alex?"
"That's correct, pick another category!"

Without further talk, here interview with Space John and Star Ranger Jeff:

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man thinks Monkey Man should start by telling line waiters something about Monkey Man. Monkey Man genetically engineered abomination of nature, have super powers and steel claws. Now, tell Monkey Man about yourselves.

LINE WAITERS: John is a pure bread super genius with great looks to go with it. He's extremely logical and sophisticated with a PhD in love.

Jeff was voted as Seattle biggest looser. He enjoys slacking, drinking, belching and telling people to lick the sweat off of dead men's balls.

MONKEY MAN: That answer next question, which one of you is delusional and which have accurate view of oneself. But Monkey Man find it VERY HARD to believe that Seattle's biggest loser is waiting on line for months to see STAR WARS.

Homebase for the big wait. Mans oh man, that must take long time to put up. And EVEN LONGER to draw Boba Fett and Storm Trooper with sharpie on jeans.

Okay, moving on, Monkey Man thinks he should just get this out of the way: did you two SEE The Phantom Menace?

LINE WAITERS: John & Jeff both saw and enjoyed TPM.

MONKEY MAN: HAH! Ahem, sorry, please, go on...

LINE WAITERS: We thought it was lacking in certain areas, it was both entertaining and well filmed. They both feel that the film could have either been edited down a bit more or more interesting footage could have been added.

MONKEY MAN: So it good movie only it too long and not have enough interesting things. It odd that you wait for months on line for a sequel to---

LINE WAITERS: Any movie that can gross over 7 million dollars worldwide must be doing something good.

For first time ever, R2 D2 speak English, declare "seriously, lady, I have mace". And then she go "Tee hee like Mace Windu?" And then R2 fake laugh and say, "Let's find out together" and spray her until she claw own eyes out.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man would like to take this time to point out that DUDE WHERE'S MY CAR make over 25 million. What your favorite part of Phantom Menace?

LINE WAITERS: Thought the Pod race was entertaining, the lightsaber fighters were indeed the best. Though, it would have been nice to see some more smoldering Gungans on the battle field.

MONKEY MAN: Problem with that is smoldering gungans can't step in pooh or talk like retarded Olsen Twin, so you can understand Lucas' hesitation to do so. Why you think movie called "Phantom Menace"?

LINE WAITERS: Well, because there is a Phantom and he's a real Menace, kind of like Dennis but without the slingshot and Mr. Wilson.

MONKEY MAN: Indeed! Okay, why you think new film called "Attack of The Clones"?

Monkey Man believe that when Waiting For Star Wars guys finally see movie and realize what they been waiting for and go on mad murder-suicide shooting spree, this picture all newspapers use when covering story.

LINE WAITERS: Because there are these clones and they like to attack.

MONKEY MAN: No, Monkey Man not think that why.

Line Waiters, Monkey Man star in comic book and internet cartoons and animated movie. If one of Monkey Man's friends say "Hey, Monkey Man, wait on this line for a day to see ROLLERBALL", Monkey Man not able to because Monkey Man so busy. What you two do for living that you able to do this?

LINE WAITERS: John is filthy rich while Jeff is a lowly slacker boy, so John supports him.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man beginning to think three things. One, that John is answering these questions because it Jeff's turn to block onslaught of rotten eggs being hurled by local Seattle college fratboys, two, John telling truth, and he Jeff's sugar daddy, and three, Monkey Man think this sad world we live in.

Next question, did you two see ROLLERBALL?

LINE WAITERS: No, but we've licked a few in our day.

It all about good times on line for Star Wars.

MONKEY MAN: This interview getting naughty. Waiting on line do weird, gay things to people.

Next question for homoerotic line waiters. If Lucas make TV movie THE GUNGAN ADVENTURE or THE GUNGANS:BATTLE FOR NABOO THAT, OKAY, SURE, HAVE FART JOKES AND POO-STEPPING will you wait for months outside your living room?

LINE WAITERS: Um, no we're Star Wars fans not freakazoids.

MONKEY MAN: Sorry, that stupid question. Monkey Man know waiting on line for months to see sequel to movie that you think lacks enough interesting scenes is FINE, but waiting in living room for TV movie just plain silly. It fine line, line dwellers. It fine line.

But, line guys, is anything worth waiting months on line for? Monkey Man think that if George Lucas promise that Monkey Man get oral pleasure from Carrie Fisher in her Jabba Hutt Slave outfit while simultaneously allowed to beat Jar Jar with computer generated aluminum space-bat, Monkey Man say no.

LINE WAITERS: Well, you haven't seen what George promises us at the end of all this.

MONKEY MAN: Ooooh hooo ho, Monkey Man certainly have not, good point. But Monkey Man wager guess. At end of all this, George release EVEN CRAPPIER versions of movies with MORE unnecessary computer generated characters.

Hey, speaking of which, what you think of Jar Jar?

This just unrealistic. Shadow projected by these two would not look at all like that. Monkey Man no get it. Monkey Man love it, but Monkey Man no get it.

LINE WAITERS: We try not to.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man hear that loud and clear.

After you wait on this line, won't you be disappointed by other lines you have to wait on? This kind of "Line Val Halla", isn't it? Waiting on line to buy, say, skin lotion at pharmacy not nearly as exciting.

LINE WAITERS: We make lines exciting, matter a fact we get people all excited to be in line behind us.

MONKEY MAN: Uh oh, Monkey Man picturing subtle drop of pants and wave of tail.

Movie theater you waiting outside of not very supportive. Why not use jedi mind trick to make them change their minds KIDDING MONKEY MAN KIDDING Monkey Man make joke because you wait outside for STAR WARS and Monkey Man reference that film but it not real.

LINE WAITERS: It's ok Monkey Man, we all have our short cumings.

MONKEY MAN: Yes, for instance, some people not know how to spell even simplest of words. KIDDING AGAIN, but seriously, getting back to first joke, why don't you use jedi mind trick?

LINE WAITERS: We are, trust me, w e a r e!

MONKEY MAN: Uh huh. Are you using jedi mind powers to force Monkey Man to hold up sign with a picture of a screw and a ball and arrow pointed at your heads? Because it working.

Linemen, you also doing this for charity, yes? How that work?

They can't all be gems. Planet Of The Wait. Come on, line waiters, you have lots of time, this what you come up with? PLANET OF THE WAIT? Now you just going through motions.

LINE WAITERS: People give us money, toys, clothes, we give them to kids who need it.

MONKEY MAN: Where can people send money to help?

LINE WAITERS: Just contact John at GoldLeader@SeattleStarWars.com

MONKEY MAN: If you not already waiting on line for movie, would you wait, say, a few days to see the trailer?

LINE WAITERS: Possibly, depending on the mood.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man read you loud and clear, so if one of you say "I'm feeling a little throwin' away my life-y today", you go out and wait in line. Monkey Man kidding or is Monkey Man? Yes Monkey Man is.

You do realize that movie theater you guys waiting outside of not even carrying STAR WARS movie for sure. If they don't do it, will experience of waiting on line for months to see, say, SCORPION KING be worth it.

LINE WAITERS: They will, remember the Jedi mind trick thing.

Sometimes Monkey Man no have to say anything. Sometimes poster say everything for Monkey Man.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man remembering it, and also remembering it work of fiction. Hey, what your girlfriends think of this?

LINE WAITERS: Girlfriends? What's that?

MONKEY MAN: How about line groupies? You guys have line groupies?

LINE WAITERS: Oooooooh yeah (hubba, hubba)

MONKEY MAN: Hubba hubba PLOP PLOP BOOIIIIIING! Monkey Man can play sound effect game, too.

Monkey Man see lots of posters you make, parodying other films..."PLANET OF WAIT", "WAIT CLUB", "LORD OF THE LINES: FELLOWSHIP OF THE WAIT"...when these movies coming out? They look good. Monkey Man ask because Monkey Man want to get on line for them RIGHT NOW.

LINE WAITERS: Well get in line!

MONKEY MAN: No, see, Monkey Man want to make sure they coming out, because waiting in line for something that definitely not even coming where Monkey Man wait just plain goofy and stup...oh, yeah. Sorry, moving on...if ATTACK OF THE CLONES bad, will you kill yourselves?

And if so, will your last words be "If I strike myself down I will be stronger than ever...or just maybe, just, you know, dead"...? That be funny.

LINE WAITERS: Yes, hysterical. AOTC will be stellar.

MONKEY MAN: Good, start delusions now, it lessen blow. You guys like STAR TREK?

LINE WAITERS: Yes, we find that Star Trek tapes make great items to throw at the annoying geeks that stop by.

MONKEY MAN: Yeah, stupid geeks. You show them kettles who's the blackest.

What will you possibly do to follow this one up? Monkey Man suggest maybe wait in LION for Episode III. You know, wait in an actual, live, maybe rabid, lion. This get you lots of press.

See, now I'M the shadow of Anakin. I become Darth Vader. Just in this picture, though. Heh. Shoot me, I mean, I'll never BE Darth Vader, I'm just funnin' around seriously take my life but it's funny, right?"

LINE WAITERS: Ask us next year.

MONKEY MAN: Where will you get the lion?

LINE WAITERS: From the supermarket.

MONKEY MAN: Aaaaaah, you guys go to special STAR WARS cantina type supermarket where they serve lion. Neato. Just be aware, in twenty years, special edition of supermarket be released with singing cartoon creatures that completely ruin Monkey Man's memories of original supermarket.

You guys sell T-shirts of yourselves so fans of fans of STAR WARS can show their support of two people waiting. That not question, just observation.

LINE WAITERS: You so silly!

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man like think so. You guys think that if you become popular enough, there be lines of people that wait for months to see you guys waiting on line?

LINE WAITERS: Yes, matter a fact we've already started a special organization just for this, it's called PWWTWILTWFUTWIL (People Who Want To Wait In Line To Wait For Us To Wait In Line).

A member of Star Wars Society poses with a guy who kinda look like George Lucas. Fifth in a series of "People who somewhat resemble men who have shat on our childhood memories".

MONKEY MAN: You best register that domain name right now. Which of the STAR WARS movie is your favorite?

LINE WAITERS: Howard the Duck.

MONKEY MAN: Aaaaaaaand, which of the CROSSROADS movies is better, the one with Ralph Macchio playing a kid who battles the devil to become a musician, or the one with Britney Spears playing a girl who sold her soul to the devil and used money from sale to buy fake boobs and become a musician?

LINE WAITERS: The one with Ralph M. He's dreamy.

MONKEY MAN: NOW we back on same track! You ever see people going to work, or on date, or not waiting on line for months and go "what happened?"

LINE WAITERS: We cannot imagine a world like that.

MONKEY MAN: Yes, it best not to at this point.

Now, for serious question:

You guys think you do this for EPISODE III if only place that showing it is a mall like the one in CHOPPING MALL where the mall releases killer robots to kill any stragglers that are in the mall after closing? Because then you have to fight killer robots for MONTHS just to see movie, and who wants that? Except maybe killer robots, who must be thirsty for action because you must figure not many people in mall after closing. Especially if it common knowledge that there are killer robots who chop them up if they do.

LINE WAITERS: Sorry, we're skipping that question.

MONKEY MAN: Monkey Man apologize, Monkey Man didn't mean to get personal.

You guys ever fall asleep on line, and then have really bad dream and wake up still on line and then go "whew, it all bad dream, we still on line for STAR WARS"?

LINE WAITERS: Ya, most of the time Jeff wets his pants.

It shame cameras no able capture dreams. Because Monkey Man bet second button that if they did, we see thought balloon with Darth Vader, waiting inside theater whole time, greeting this man with giant swirly lollipop.

MONKEY MAN: Anyone ever get behind you on line to see a movie that currently playing, not knowing that you there for STAR WARS and you go "it okay, our movie not coming out for months, and maybe not at this theater at all" and then you all have a good laugh because it's a THREE'S COMPANY like misunderstanding but then they stop laughing and go in to see their movie and you guys are back to being outside alone?

LINE WAITERS: Oh yes, twice a day.

MONKEY MAN: That easily saddest thing Monkey Man ever hear. Best lighten mood a bit, ask fluff question...um, so, guys, you think Liam Neeson will come back?

LINE WAITERS: No.

MONKEY MAN: GOOD ONE! You think two-headed Pod Race Announcer come back? Man, he better.

LINE WAITERS: Hmmmmmmm...

MONKEY MAN: You know that the voice of the two-headed Pod Race Announcer was Greg Proops? It true.

DEAD SILENCE.

MONKEY MAN: Um, guys? Darth Jeff, Padawan John? You know Greg Proops, from WHOSE LINE IS...you know what, never mind...let's ask last question so Monkey Man can go cry.

You guys sure you have money for tickets? Because imagine your faces if you don't.

LINE WAITERS: No, please sent lots of money. We spent it all on hookers.

John and Jeff. They been outside theater since January 1st. But it allllllllllllllllllll pay off mid-May. When comet fall from sky and end everything.

And that how it went. Monkey Man thank John and Jeff. They no talk big long sentences, but anyone who fan of STAR WARS can no be expected big on dialog.

Good luck, John and Jeff. God bless. Monkey Man going to go home and cry the cry of ages.

Peace, Monkey Man outty!