Monkey Man, Sir,

I have a movie coming out this summer (the movie is called "Ray and Quiet Bill Return Fire"), and I fear how critics may attack it and call it names upon its release in the headlines of their reviews (i.e.-"Quiet Bill Should Just Shut Up" or "More Money, Less Funny"). How can I combat these feelings of inadequacy in the face of the critics' sharp wits?

Signed,

Smevin Kith
Red Bank, NJ

Smevin (Monkey Man have Aunt named Smevin, she smell like compost. This not insult, all members Monkey Man family smell like compost. What Monkey Man say, Monkey family born under good sign), you don't know how many times Monkey Man get asked this question.

Really. You don't. You have no idea. You no KNOW Monkey Man, you no hang with Monkey Man, you no down with Monkey Man or Monkey Man posse that keep it real. Monkey Man never get ask this question. That said, Monkey Man relay word advice Monkey Dad once tell Monkey Man, it help solve your problem.

"Son", Monkey Dad say, "No pick flies off your sister. You start, you must keep going till done. Sister have lots flies. You no want to spend rest of life picking flies off sister? Now get Monkey Dad Fresca". Monkey Dad right. Monkey Man stop. Sister still have flies and Dad enjoy Fresca.

Hmmmm? Hmmmm?

You know get what Monkey Man try say? No? Monkey Man too subtle for big time Red Bank director. Monkey Man say no listen critics. One critic call Monkey Man "piss poor combination Phil Hartman's Frankenstein and TRANSFORMERS' Grimlock". No know what that mean but can't be good. Mr. Kith do what Mr. Kith want and admittedly genius headline-writers can go screw.

However, when "Ray" start get grey streaks in long blonde girly hair, that maybe hint give franchise rest.

Monkey Man already helping, yes? Yes! Second question for Monkey Man.

Monkey Man:

It has stopped itching, but it is still red. Why is that?

-J. Selmoid Jones

Hmm. Good question, J. Selmoid, except Monkey Man no know what you talk about at all. Stop itching, yes. That good. Still red, maybe that good too, if you talk about red swirly eyes like Monkey Man. When Monkey Man regular monkey he no have red swirly eye. Then Monkey Man drink clorox and get red swirly eye. World funny place.

Monkey Man find when body much itch, time move new section jungle. Funny leaves feel nice Monkey Man face, days later Monkey face bumpy and itchy like Harry Knowles' roids.

Course, could be clap. Sexy baboon in jungle have clap. Monkey Man friends warn him, no do sexy baboon in private area, do in butt. But baboon butt no sexy, it look like car accident. Monkey Man and Sexy Baboon remain just good friends.

You best consult local medicine man. Third question for Monkey Man.

Dear Mr. Monkey Man,

How can i get my teeth as brightly green as yours? Thanks and i await
you're answer.

"Life is more fun when you don't have expectations"

Ripner Cabbit

See, Monkey Man torn here. Monkey Man not always have green teeth, sometimes Monkey Man have white teeth. Depends on who color Monkey Man.

But you want be more like Monkey Man, Monkey Man suggest going Wal-Mart, get three magic buttons. You no definitely have green teeth, but you get real strong, turn invisible, and sometimes, when Ripner Cabbit really need it, you turn into kitten. This last one very helpful when evading police after dropping pot on young boy's head. If Monkey Man did that kinda thing, WHICH MONKEY MAN DOES NOT.

Monkey Man wink at Ripner Cabbit. RIPNER CABBIT WINK BACK OR MONKEY MAN DROP POT ON RIPNER CABBIT HEAD.

Fourth question for Monkey Man.

Monkey Man,

I am having trouble forwarding DHCP requests across network routers. I think it is a problem with my DHCP-relay agent. Can you help me?

BillDog

BillDog very sentence give Monkey Man headache. You speak much foreign tongue, glue letters together that form no real word. What frig that? Monkey Man try help problem anyhoo.

DHCP giving you trouble? Do to DHCP what Monkey Man do things that give him trouble. Drop DHCP down flight of stairs. That show DHCP. Even if DHCP die, word get out around town BillDog no be messed with, other letters forming weird words respect and fear BillDog.

Fifth Question for Monkey Man.

What is the meaning of life?
----------------------------------------
Kyle Saville
Support Engineer, Palm Inc.

Oh, this important question. Monkey Man no believe organized religion, though friendly people happy faces that come up to Monkey Man, give Monkey Man personality test, have lots good ideas. Monkey Man almost go back with them to celebrity center until they hand Monkey Man book with giant exploding volcano on front. Monkey Man no know about friendly people happy faces, but where Monkey Man from exploding volcano no mean inner peace, it mean throw squirrel carcasses in knapsack made of leaves, get frig out of dodge. Getting back question.

Monkey Man find that inner peace important. Love of oneself and others very important. Must be happy. And if anyone get in way inner peace and happiness, take big swipe metal claws at them 'till they apologize or die. It that simple.

Monkey Man think TV Doctor Drew say best when he say "why you do Man Show, Adam Corolla? It no funny. It no funny at all. Doctor Drew take bowel movement funnier than Man Show." Adam Corolla no get Drew's point, instead Adam Corolla steal "bowel movement" idea, make it six part running gag on Man Show. Monkey Man pray to Wicker Cow God he meet Adam Corolla in dark alley. When Monkey Man through with him, only thing funny about Adam Corolla be police inspector going "he so disemboweled it funny". Monkey Man go off on tangent. Monkey Man sorry.

Last question for Monkey Man. This one sure sound like it from really hot girl.

Dear Monkey Man,

I am a longtime fan of your work. Anyone smart enough to turn invisible,
or into a kitten, must be smart enough to help me. You see, Monkey Man, the
problem is my boyfriend, lets call him Ryan. While he is funny and smart to
be around, as well as fantastically endowed,lately he is acting a bit
strange. He is refusing to take me on normal dates, like miniature golfing
or midnite viewings of "Save the Last Dance"--which you should see, by the
way, its so romantic. We sit around his apartment while he "works" instead.
"Work" means he draws pictures of his roomate--naked. And not even his
current roomate, but one from college. Is this normal? Is there something I
am doing wrong? Should I change my hair?

Monkey man, help me! I just want Brian, I mean, Ryan to be normal again. I
know only you can help me..

Signed, Naked Heart

First of all, Monkey Man see SAVE LAST DANCE. Monkey Man agree with Naked Heart, it romantic. When dark boy teach light skinned feminine Man to dance so dark boy's friends accept them, Monkey Man cry. Monkey Man wish there boy teach him dance so people accept him. But all dancing in world probably can't erase public's memory Monkey Man tossing homeless man off roof just see how far go.

Onto problem. Your boyfriend sound like he dabble in the ancient art of gay. If he draw naked man every day instead golf with you, maybe he think woman vagina as nasty as baboon ass. No change hair, lady. Change genital. Lose glory hole, acquire manstick. This only way Ryan accept you, because he light in...

...wait a minute, "Ryan"? "draws college room-mate naked?". "Monkey Man" knows who this is. "Monkey Man" gets the message loud and clear. You know what, here's "Monkey Man's" response. Appreciate your damn boyfriend and maybe he'll stop drawing Pat. I mean my room-mate from college. I mean his room-mate from college.

Doesn't he let you do voices on the "room-mate from college" cartoon? That's fun, right? Do any of your other boyfriends ask you to do that? What, the drug dealer? Does the drug dealer ask you to do voices for cartoons? I don't think so. And it doesn't help that each piece of clothing I...yan, I mean Ryan removes on you reveals a new nazi tattoo. "Experimental time in your life" my ass.

"Monkey Man" advice? Wise up, Naked Jessica Heart, or you're out with trash. I have ALL MY EX GIRLFRIENDS ON SPEED DIAL NEVER FORGET---

---ahem. Sorry. Monkey Man get carried away. Monkey Man say stick with boyfriend, Naked Heart. He well endowed and you no do better. You not getting any younger.

Monkey Man hope he help people with problems. Keep sending questions to Monkey Man. Monkey Man answer. Your life better. Now, if you excuse Monkey Man, Monkey Man find new, better girlfriend for sideburned, pale man. Peace, Monkey Man outty.