WEEK THREE:
Oh yes. Third week of answering creepy people questions and Monkey Man already feel like a better person. Monkey Man know he help lots of crazies with "tough love" solutions, and Monkey Man accept warm thanks from faceless masses. Monkey Man glad he not kill you all. But that not "get out jail free" card. You stay on Monkey Man good side. Monkey Man powder keg, you no let your tongue be match.

Let me tell you little something about Monkey Man. As E TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY PRESENTS MONKEY MAN: THERE IS NO FOURTH BUTTON FOR EXTRA LOVE told world, Monkey Man born New Delhi, but come here after crazy "Three's Company" type misunderstanding involving mass slaughter. Well, let me tell you, New Delhi justice system NOTHING LIKE Mr. Furley. They think you do something bad that you no do, they no hike up pants and make funny face into camera. They lower boom.

So Monkey Man escape to USA, live amongst happy stupid Americans, learn their ways. For instance, when someone screams because you freaky blue furry creature, you no supposed to swipe with monkey claw, no no. You say hip sassy comeback like "hit road jack, talk to hand" and snap your fingers, yes. Monkey Man learning much. Monkey Man pass knowledge onto you.

Dear Monkey Man,

My girlfriend and I have a healthy sex life except for one issue; she hates it when I ejaculate on her face. She says this is "degrading", especially while she is sleeping or in the middle of eating a meal. I tried to show her how all the respectful actresses in my video collection love it but she is not convinced.

What do I do?
"Backed up in Oakland"

Girlfriend obviously very selfish. After all, if you like Monkey Man, you take her out, you kill squirrel for her, you gut squirrel, you wear squirrel intestine round neck make joke like "oh it first day at new office, hope secretary like new squirrel tie or I activate button that give SUPER MONKEY STRENGTH and STRANGLE HER!", she laugh, you laugh, you forget what she laugh at, you get mad, she apologize, you stop strangle her with squirrel intestine, you have good date.

If girlfriend no let you ejaculamadate, whatever that means, on her face, perhaps problem lies with girlfriend's mother. Monkey Man find apple no fall far from tree. It like old adage say, "apple no fall far from..." something or other. Monkey Man advice? Next time you over dinner with girlfriend's parents, ejaculamadate on girlfriend's mother. If she no react good to this, and why she wouldn't Monkey Man no fathom, then realize that girlfriend probably never be into it. Ejaculamadate on Father for good measure, just to be sure. If family no accept this AT ALL, then they narrow minded and they not worth your time.

And send pictures. Everyone want to see. Monkey Man feel like cupid now, he so good with love problems. Of course, Monkey Man never wear diaper, shoot arrows at strangers. Monkey Man Dad once say "you see a man wear diaper, shoot arrows, he probably high on gas and rich eccentric. You run". And oh, Monkey Man do.

Second question for Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey Man,

I'm a longtime fan but first time question-asker. Hopefully, you can help me with my problem.

When I urinate, it comes out in two streams. I only have one penis, though. Any help would be appreciated. It really hurts.

Yours in confidence,

Doug Hankinson, D.D.S.; D.D.P., Harvard

This sexy round of questions for Monkey Man. Monkey Man advice: don't look gift horse in mouth (also, on other topic entirely, don't LICK gift horse in mouth...Monkey Man no care if horse was gift or not, unless YOU ALSO horse, everyone just act weird when you do it...trust me...old "Monkey Man was drunk, horse look like Liz Hurley in this light" excuse no work ever)...if Wicker Cow God give you power put two fires out with one urine-letting, you thank Wicker Cow God and no question.

Monkey Man once question why he have three magic buttons that give him super powers...then Monkey Man realize he should just be happy he have this fantastic gift. Next day Monkey Man question why he have this bad-ass black helmet...then Monkey Man rememeber he stole from biker he kill. Not really as magical as buttons. One give me super powers, other give me head lice. Monkey Man hate lice. Fat nurse rake through scalp with two little sticks, it take days. Then Monkey Man try rake through HER scalp, she give him dirty looks. You think Monkey Man lick a horse on mouth or something.

Third question for Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey Man,

I hear that you are just a figment of the collective Indian Population. Matt Drudge said so. Care to comment?

Dan King

Okay, this good time to address important rumor going round about Monkey Man. Lots people say Monkey Man urban legend. They say I about as real as killer with hook or Sasquatch or Paula Poundstone alibi. This hurt Monkey Man feelings.

When Monkey Man get up in the morning, look into mirror, Monkey Man no see "figment of imagination". Monkey Man see furry blue creature who misunderstood by people. Who just want to be loved. Who just want to have friends. Who just want to resist urge to kill homeless people of New Delhi. As for this "Matt Drudge", Monkey Man no know him, this first time Monkey Man hear his name, but Monkey Man know he big filthy liar. Not only that, Monkey Man HAVE PROOF that Matt Drudge is secret cross dresser and member of KKK. He cheat on his wife with many small boy and he born with both male and non-male private area.

How that feel, Matt Drudge? Monkey Man sling mud with best of them. Oh yes, Monkey Man real. Real sassy. Monkey Man snap fingers in circular motion.

Fourth question for Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey Man,

My problem is this:

Where, oh where is your penis?

I mean, it seems odd to me that on a site where a man prominently shows off his "wares", if you will, that a naked Monkey "Man"'s accesories are not in full swing... If you know what I mean.

Unless you're not really a Monkey Man at all, but a Monkey Wo-Man (or "Womon" for those politically correct)...

Or is it just because Mr. Lynch is humbled by you and refuses to show off your monkey-manliness???

Thank you ever so much.

This really good question except it stupid and pointless. What, this "pick on Monkey Man day"? Just kidding, Monkey Man know official New Delhi "pick on Monkey Man day" August 5th.

Monkey Man know how to tuck like Matt Drudge-esque killer in SILENCE OF LAMBS. Monkey Man no have need show off wares. Immense genetically enhanced Monkey parts make Monkey Man fans feel little, worthless by comparison. That not Monkey Man's job. Monkey Man job is to trick little, worthless people into thinking they good people. And Monkey Man do it well.

And as for this good person's (wink) other question about sideburned pale man's being humbled by Monkey Man's member, let me just say, and put it best way possible so sideburned pale man no realize he is little and worthless, that when it comes to manstick size, sideburned pale man is both little and worthless.

Why you think he spend days drawing naked man, big penis? Someone, and Monkey Man not naming names, someone trying to compensate. Please no tell sideburned pale man that Monkey Man say that. Monkey Man be out of job.

Uh oh, sideburned pale man walk out of room, past Monkey Man as he type...sideburned pale man crying after daily failure to complete mating act with unlucky female...he going to look on screen, bear with Monkey Man---AND IT SO BIG IT SCARY. SERIOUSLY NO REALLY MONKEY MAN NO BULLSHIT IT THREATEN TO DESTROY US ALL AND---okay, he smile and gone. See, Monkey Man make sideburned pale man with disgustingly small pee pee feel better, while spilling truth to you little, worthless people. Monkey Man make everyone happy.

Last Question for Monkey Man.

Question for monkeyman;

I'm thinking of getting a radio-controlled airplane, having never flown one before should I get a cheapo (possibly electric) model or go "balls-out" for a full-blown fuel-powered dream machine?

Hugs.

Thank for hug, no one hug Monkey Man anymore. They believe hype, what can Monkey Man say? Since you so nice and friendly to Monkey Man, Monkey Man do best to answer your stupid question. Here go. First off, if you read rest of this ASK MONKEY MAN column, you see Monkey Man no favor doing anything "balls out". It just get in way, trust me. So no balls out, especially when alternative is getting "full blown fuel powered dream machine". When you have choice between having testicles swing for all world to see OR induldging in fantastic mechanical device that simply need gas to blow you fully, if you go with former than you as stupid as someone who wastes time buying radio controlled airplane, and... ...shoot. Monkey Man just re-read first part letter.

Monkey Man just kidding, radio controlled airplanes are good good time and you no stupid at all. They fun for whole family and Monkey Man think you should go with, um, electric, yes, whatever by the way do you know where Monkey Man could get claws on ACTUAL full blown fuel powered dream machine? If Monkey Man get this, Monkey Man have no reason go to single bars, get game on. New robotic girlfriend make Monkey Man happy and Monkey Man not even have to impress her with squirrel tie.

Oh, look at time. Monkey Man no know how tell time but let's assume it time to go. Monkey Man help lots of people this week, yes. You all come here crazy and stupid and leave slightly less crazy but delusional into thinking you no stupid. And that what Monkey Man here for. That, and because he has to be. Monkey Man wave good-bye, everyone. WAVE GOOD-BYE BACK NOW. Peace, Monkey Man outty.