WEEK FOUR:
Ah, Friday 13th. Stupid people think it bad luck, and Monkey Man starting to agree.

Cable Ace Award Winning ASK MONKEY MAN column supposed to come out on Friday, sideburned pale man complain too much Warner Brother work to finish.

Monkey Man not know who this Warner Brother is, but he prays to wicker cow god he meets up with him dark alley and settles score for making ASK MONKEY MAN late. ASK MONKEY MAN important. Stupid crazy people have questions, Monkey Man have lots answer. Warner Brother should write Monkey Man question, "Dear Great Monkey Man, why come I so stupid and make sideburned pale man tired? Love Warner" and I answer "give address, make sure no one home, tell Monkey Man come over. Monkey Man have cure for problem. Monkey Man promise he no kill you" but Monkey Man claws crossed behind Monkey back and Monkey Man laugh the laugh of the ages. Killing ensues.

That fun. But what more fun is answering questions complete strangers. Monkey Man really enjoy it and not just saying that because has to. Monkey Man swear.

Second time Monkey Man use "claw cross behind back" tonight. Oh, foolish reader no know that, though. Monkey Man smarter than all of you.

On related note, Monkey Man wish to send mad shout outs to close personal friend, Backstreet Boy A.J. Lots nasty rumor going around about A.J., they say he get depressed about life and loss of grandmother, turn to drinking. That not true. A.J. really get depressed when he stop and think "Fuck, me Backstreet Boy". Let Monkey Man say this, A.J. And listen real good. You probably drink until beer goggles kick in, your music sound good. It not happening. Not enough alcohol in world make your music listenable. In fact, next time you hunched over toilet puking Zima (and you know he just drink Zima, he Backstreet Boy), record sounds of retching. It have more melody than first three albums.

But Monkey Man digress. First question.

How do you feel about the following things (and please, don't spare the funny)

1. Automatic flushing toilets
2. Online comicstrips
3. Adam Sandler
4. Pop Tarts
5. Curious George
6. Smalls.

Any insight into your world would be greatly appreciated, my non-opposable thumb having jackanape.

Randy Cline.

This weird way to start out advice column. Randy Cline not really in need of advice, Monkey Man guess Randy Cline have secret of life figured all out. Is it "why go out when Randy Cline could email fictional blue Monkey how he feel about stuff?" Monkey Man figure that much.

But anyway, here go.

1. Automatic flushing toilets.

Monkey Man no like, really. Back in jungle, after squeezing squirrel-filled turd, Monkey Man wipe with leaf, then hurl turd at whoever nearby. Monkey Man go to FOUR SEASONS eatery in city of angels, sit on toilet, it STEAL HIS TURD. Monkey Man no able to fling at old man in red jacket, who want to give Monkey Man napkin and mint. Monkey Man not have it. Monkey Man jump in bowl, follow turd. Monkey Man go on magical adventure, toilet take him to strange magical place called sewer with fantastic creature called "sewer rat" and princess of the sewer called "other sewer rat". It much like Wizard of Oz except less midgets, more turds.

2. Online comic strips.

They about as useful as automatic toilets. What point? Never seen funny one, they pretty much waste of everyone time. Except one about naive fat bald man with no pants. He go by name ZIGGY and he have answer for everything. If Monkey Man's greatest dream came true and everyone but Monkey Man dead, Monkey Man no remove Ziggy's eyes and have way with eye sockets. Monkey Man respect Ziggy.

3. Adam Sandler.

Monkey Man admit, most Adam Sandler movie too heady for Monkey Man. Don't get Monkey Man wrong, Monkey Man enjoy the poop humor and Adam funny inbred voices, but Monkey Man get headache whenever Adam character forced to grow up and take responsibility for life. Monkey Man no get it. All Adam Sandler movie same, he immature but by end he realize he adult. You think he rememeber life lesson from end of last movie, spare Monkey Man the pain.

4. Pop Tarts.

Monkey Man love to pop the tarts. MONKEY MAN MAKE JOKE, YOU LAUGH! Seriously, Monkey Man kid. Monkey Man no love to pop the tart. But pop tart good, except why they know make squirrel pop tart, with creamy squirrel filling? They waste time with weird foodstuff like "cherry" or "blue berry". Monkey Man say "whatever" and roll eyes. They could even make two kinds of squirrel pop tarts, one creamy, one crunchy. Crunchy have squirrel teeth, but you know that. Now Monkey Man hungry and oddly, horny.

5. Curious George.

This George no talent whore. Only thing he curious about is just how he can try to upstage Monkey Man, be America's favorite monkey. Sperm gurgling gutter slut, that George. Seriously, and Monkey Man hang out with him, he no even that curious, it all act. Monkey Man remember like it yesterday, Monkey Man see pie cooling on someone window sill, he go, "Wonder what flavor pie that is", and George go, "ah, who cares", and take drag of Lucky Strike.

6. Smalls.

Monkey Man no idea who this is but he sound like great man. You bring me this smalls, we have many Glover-Gibson type misadventures, wherein I free wheeling loose cannon and he uptight man, two days from retirement. We be able to drag this out for four adventures, at least, assuming we stock with annoying pointless B Characters. Maybe Curious George can play a cumshot sucking fuckwad with heart gold. Who has delightful riff on why cell phone rip you off. Oh, the fun. This getting good.

Next question, bring on crazies.

Monkey Man,

Sideburns or goatee or both?

Rev.

This good question except stupid. Monkey Man no care.

Whatever Rev want to do. Monkey Man have both. Sideburn run down face, cover entire head, neck, back, most of front, arms and legs. Goatee just little patch of fur under mouth. What can Monkey Man say, he big fan Luke Perry. Where Luke Perry anyway, Monkey Man miss him. He all "I love you Brenda, whatever, later" and then he surf his troubles away. Monkey Man just like that, except less surf, more kill, and troubles don't go away, usually multiply. But that Luke Perry, he got it all figured out.

Next question for Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey Man,

I am trying to get over this crush I have on a good friend. She's already expressed that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now cause she's getting over her ex. What should I do to get over her.

Thanks, Alex Manning

Finally, good question for Monkey Man. If you anything like Monkey Man, you love good pineapple late at night. So you eat pineapple just before you go to bed. But then you wake up in morning, want more pineapple. But all pineapple gone. BLAST! Monkey Man solution: only eat HALF pineapple before bed, then enjoy other half after night of intense "pineapple chasing me" dreams. Or, if you feel frisky, buy TWO pineapples. Monkey Man hope this answers your question.

Next question for Monkey Man.

Monkey Man break this one down because it long and boring and stupid. So we present to you, MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER COMMENTARY FROM MONKEY MAN. LET'S GO, SILLY ROBOTS!

I have two questions for Monkey Man,

AND BOTH OF THEM BE "MONKEY MAN, HOW I GET SO STUPID AND UNFUNNY?"
GOOD ONE, GUM DISPENSER ROBOT.

and I suspect that only he can help me.

WHY, MONKEY MAN NO HAVE MACHINE THAT MAKE YOU FUNNY AND WRITE NORMAL LENGTH MESSAGES, MAYBE YOU THINK MONKEY MAN HAVE TIME MACHINE, GO BACK TIME, MAKE SURE PARENTS DON'T MEET, PRODUCE RAMBLING UNFUNNY EMAIL SENDING OFFSPRING. OH, IF ONLY THAT WERE TRUE.
HUZZAH, YELLOW ROBOT WITH LACROSSE HEAD.

1) When I was four years old, I had a testicle removed.

IF ONLY FATHER HAVE BOTH REMOVED WHEN BOY, EVERYONE SPARED THIS PAIN!
HEY, YOU ALREADY USE THE
"WISH YOU NO BORN JOKE"
FUCK YOU, EVIL GROVER!

I find this funny,

THAT MAKE ONE OF US! HIGH FIVE!

because I get to make jokes about how I only have one testicle, and it's just like I'm Tom Green.

WELL, MONKEY MAN ADMIT, THIS ABOUT AS FUNNY AS FREDDY GOT FINGERED, BUT AT LEAST THAT HAVE LADY FROM "AIRPLANE" AND LOTS BLOOD AND GORE.

The problem is, I don't know how to handle women who I think might want to do me: if I tell them about my solo nut beforehand, that could sound awkward, and they'll get grossed out and stop wanting to do me.

TELL YOU WHAT. YOU GET WOMAN TALK TO YOU AND THEN WE WORRY ABOUT THIS. MONKEY MAN THINK ONLY "SOLO NUT" IN THIS SCENARIO IS YOU. EVERY NIGHT. FOREVER.
YEAH, HE SHOULD KILL HIMSELF!!!!!!
THAT VERY EXTREME. BUT YES, HE SHOULD.

But if I don't tell them, they'll pull my pants down, eager to suck on my penis and my TWO testicles, and upon seeing my crotch, they will decide that I am freakish and disturbing, and they will probably not give me head.

GREAT, NOW MONKEY MAN AND ROBOT FRIENDS THAT ARE REALLY HERE HAVE IMAGE BIG UNFUNNY TALKING JERK WITH PANTS 'ROUND ANKLES.
I BET THEY THINK HE'S FREAKISH AND DISTURBING LONG BEFORE THE PANTS COME OFF. RIMSHOT!
MONKEY MAN ROBOT FRIENDS TELL TRUTH. BUT DO IT FUNNY WAY, MAKE MONKEY MAN LAUGH.

So either way, I'm fucked, in the sense that I'm not.

WHOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOING! GOOD ONE, SHECKY! WHERE'S THE CLOWN WITH THE BROOM?

What should I do?

JUST TALK THEM TO SLEEP. YOU DID THAT HERE.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT THESE ROBOTS SO FUNNY!!!!!

2) I'm going to go to a bar tonight with some friends of mine.

MONKEY MAN SAY THANK THE WICKER COW GOD, THERE'S MORE. SHOULD BE INTERMISSION, CATCH BREATH. BUT NO, SHECKY ONE NUT FUNNY MAN KEEP ON GOING.
AND LIKE THIS TOTAL ASSHOLE WHO SHOULD DIE HAS FRIENDS? RIGHT? RIGHT? MAYBE IF HE DRINKS ENOUGH AT THIS "BAR", HIS "FRIENDS" MAGICALLY APPEAR TO HIM! YES! AND MONKEY MAN BET HE THINK THEY ROSS AND RACHEL AND MATTHEW PERRY!!!!! RIGHT! RIGHT????

hm. moving on.

I'll probably drink a lot of beer and flirt with a lot of girls who will end up not sleeping with me.

KRESKIN COULDN'T HAVE CALLED THIS BETTER.

The problem is, I don't have a lot of money, 'cause I'm unemployed and worthless.

DON'T SAY THAT, YOU WRONG. NO, WAIT, MONKEY MAN RE-READ SENTENCE, YOU HIT NAIL ON HEAD.

Beer costs money. So, what should I do? Remain sober the whole time? Spend money which I really SHOULD spend on my phone bill instead?

IF ONLY YOU COULD PAY IN CRICKET SOUNDS. I BET THIS DUDE HEARS PLENTY OF THEM.

Work out some sort of murder-suicide thing?

BINGO BANGO BOINGO! DELETE THAT "MURDER" THING FROM YOUR SENTENCE, AND YOU GOT IT! THAT'S WHAT HE LIKE TO SEE, PEOPLE HELPING THEMSELVES!!!! TO MORE DEATH!!!!

Help me, Monkey Man; I don't know what to do, and the beer problem is making my testicle hurt.

Okay, Monkey Man feel bad, he send robot friends home. Monkey Man sure you nice lonely fella and no want you kill yourself. It just plain wrong Monkey Man suggest you kill self, Monkey Man know this violation Monkey Man parole so please, no do. Here's Monkey Man advice. Whenever Monkey Man have problem, he go out and clear head from jumping from tall building. Lots good ideas come to Monkey Man round 56 or 57 floor. Find a nice tall one, do what Monkey Man do. You're welcome and good bye forever.

Next question for Monkey Man.

In the last Ask monkey man, you allege that monkey man is a cross between Grimlock of the Transformers and Phil Hartman's Frankenstein. But, monkey man is in fact a complete rip off of Zack Malamute, the letter answering dog for Wizard the Guide to Comics. Since Zack is retiring in this month's mag, you think you can just waltz in and take over the animal answering mail gag. Well, you can because I really don't care. I was just writing to you because you used Transformers reference, and I liked that.

Omega

First off, Monkey Man no complete rip off anything.

Monkey Man once going to read WIZARD, but then Monkey Man realize he not screaming dork who read about comic book people like they actual men of worth. Monkey Man no need to offend, after all, Monkey Man friends (read:Monkey Man no kill yet) with sideburned pale man and he comic writer/artist, but what real value comic book have? Say you best comic book writer ever. You create real good super hero, with super origin involving meteor. Your comic redefine comics. People read your comic, go "this re-invent superhero". Entertainment Weekly read it, say "Even if you don't read comic, you must read meteor super hero man. It just that good. A plus". So you write best super hero comic ever. That mean you BEST WRITER SUPER HERO COMIC EVER. That it. That rank somewhere after supermarket bagger who knows put cold stuff in one bag, hot stuff in another. His job have worth. Your job mean people that no ready read real books are not wasting their time reading bad comic book when they on crapper. Congrats to you, you write best toilet reading material ever. We throw parade for you. So frig what? Monkey Man think this only important to people with no real life and---

---wait, Monkey Man read last sentence of your letter. TRANSFORMERS. Yes. Yes, sorry, this obviously very important someone like you. Carry on, friend, and no worry about seeing vagina. It not as good as everyone make it out to be.

Next question for depressed Monkey Man.

Yo tiene una pregunta para el "Monkey-Man", por que es el mal con usted? Usted escribe como un idiota! Y por que usted pierde su tiempo aqui en este mal sitio? El " Angry Naked Pat" es justa una version realmente mala del "Mad Magazine". Usted debe conseguir su propio sitio. Brian Lynch es una pequena muchacha estupida que no puede escribir bien. Tambien parada e-que me envia Brian!

Adiós - usted!!!!! Del perdedor

Juan Diez

Ah, Juan Diez think Monkey Man no speak funny gibberish. Jaun think he able to diss Monkey Man and Monkey Man friends and Monkey Man just nod and laugh and try act smart and not realize what Juan try and say. Well, that true. Monkey Man have no idea what you say. It sound like turretts filtered through a device that remove all non-turrett words. Monkey Man have to go ask Pat what letter mean. He smart, he help Monkey Man, hang on.

.................................

Monkey Man back and totally understand what Juan try say, kind of. Monkey Man thank you for saying ASK MONKEY MAN good while rest of site bad. But Monkey Man no agree. Monkey Man no getting his own site, Monkey Man very happy here and never leave friends. Also, Monkey Man disagree that ANGRY NAKED PAT just bad version MAD MAGAZINE. That CRACKED MAGAZINE. ANGRY NAKED PAT is good and Monkey Man never leave.

Jaun, you get Monkey Man's subtle morse code eye blinking message of "HELP, MONKEY MAN WANT TO LEAVE BUT ANGRY NAKED PAT PEOPLE HAVE INCRIMINATING PICTURES MONKEY MAN"? If so, please help Monkey Man. If not, go have bottle of tequila, pull sombrero over eyes and take long siesta before hopping in friend's trunk to sneak over border.

Last question for Monkey Man. It doozy.

Dear Monkey Man,

I'm in a bit of a predicament. :-( My internet girlfriend, Josephina wants to meet up. The only problem is she does not realize I am.... uhm... Not a girl. LOL. Don't even ask how this happened! Don't even ask! Okay, so I was on a lesbian chat room thing, just me and a bunch of my guy friends, looking for hot lesbian chicks to turn over. But I kind of convinced her (Josephina, the love of my dreams), I was female by sending her a rare Christina Ricci pictue. She sent me a photo of her too, she kinda looks like Kate Winslet. Anyway, she wants to meet in a public place and to where my sexiest dress.... WHAT SHOULD I DO?

And also, do you think I can get her to do anal?

Thank you MonkeyMan.

First, Monkey Man suggest you stop using phrase like "LOL". Did confused decoy lesbo REALLY laugh out loud when writing letter? If so, Monkey Man think psuedo computer girlfriend least of your problems. This almost as bad as stupid colon close secret thought smiley face that people write using magic keys. Monkey Man invent NEW magic key symbol for all to use---

^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_______________________________

----that heart moniter after Monkey Man get through with you when you write thing like LOL. It flatline because Monkey Man mercy kill. Everyone sad, except Monkey Man, Monkey Man know what he do is for good of society.

Second, you find pretty dress and wear it, meet psuedo computer girlfriend. You promise girl you do, and you man of word. Monkey Man old flame, Monkey Lady, make Monkey Man do much worse stuff than that. Monkey Man long for just wear dress. Majority things Monkey Lady want to do center around hot poker and open mind.

Third, you send Monkey Man this picture of angst drama girl Christina Ricci. At first, Monkey Man look at her and think "girl have sneering pumpkin head, Monkey Man wear two bags when humping her, one for her face and one to carry her remains if bag fall off and Monkey Man get angry". Then Monkey Man look down further and see two more pumpkins hiding in sweater, Monkey Man fall in love. Pumpkin head not so bad now, no sir. But Monkey Man fear when he remove shirt and big hammock bra, Ricci breasts sneer at him like Ricci face. They probably angry pouty like rest of Ricci. Nipples probably seem to say "yeah we're big, but fuck you, you sell out".

But you send picture. Monkey Man miss Monkey Lady. She no have Ricci breasts, but she have six nipples. That make up for it.

Boy oh Boy, Monkey Man help lots stupid people today, didn't he? You people come to Pat site, you crazy and stupid and lost in life, you look at cartoons, and go "hah hah, yes, Fred Durst suck but I'm still crazy, what do?" and then you click on Monkey Man, wave of magic Monkey wand and you sane and happy.

No need thank Monkey Man. Just keep letters coming. Monkey Man here to help. Because Monkey Man have to be. Peace, Monkey Man outty.