WEEK FIVE:
Aminated Cartoons. Blah. Aminated cartoons give Monkey Man headache. Admittedly, much give Monkey Man headache, as Monkey Man easily confused by such futuristic technamalogical devices as "doors" and "shoes", but aminated cartoons especially annoying. It strange, funny pictures move, funny voices yell and say thing like "I hate meeces to peices", but it not real life. In real life, cat gets squashed by piano, cat no get up and walk around like accordian. Trust me, Monkey Man try this with cats many many times. Around tenth or so cat, Monkey Man think "cartoons lie to Monkey Man. But maybe eleventh time charm". It not charm. It just more flat dead animal, more blood on Monkey Man's hands.

That why Monkey Man no angry that he not in first few episodes of ANGRY NAKED PAT cartoon. Sideburned pale man, he SCREAM "you come in later, we have to introduce other characters first, but you coming", and no care about being in cartoon Monkey Man wipe tears from swirly eyes and pout and stop breaking parts body.

Fine. Pat and friends go frolic, be in cartoon, while Monkey Man write advice column to crazies. Monkey Man no care.

Besides, Monkey Man have something other than stupid unfunny ANGRY NAKED PAT BUT NO MONKEY MAN EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE LIKE MONKEY MAN BEST cartoon. It better than aminated stupid poor man's SOUTH PARK. You find out what that is at end of column.

Pat and Mugsy, they go off, rehearse lines for cartoon, while Monkey Man pretend he care about insanes. Oh boy, it time to help the helpless again. Monkey Man estatic with fake glee.

First question for non-aminated Monkey Man.

Dearest Monkey Man...

I have been reading your column for nigh on to three weeks now...and I have noticed two things.

1: your school of psychotherapy is almost freudian in a way. very analytical, and interperative. the depths to which you reach within the subject asking the question is unparalelled in the field of online QnA email therapy.

and 2: your buttons don't appear to light up. i could be wrong, but they seem to be...non-lit buttons. if this IS the case...i'm not sure how i feel about it.

so..i guess my question is...how can i establish a new system in my town whereby dead squirrels are used as currency? i have a vast collection of dead squirrels [most partially mutilated] and if dead squirrels were worth something, i could really clean up.

also, can you reccomend a dry cleaners that can get cum stains out of a wedding dress? just curious.

sincerely, and a little hungry, TVJ.

Thanks for support. Maybe you write letter to ASK PAT, if there such column, tell him "Why no Monkey Man in first couple episodes of your stupid piano on accordian cat cartoon?" And watch him squirm.

As for stupid questions that I no care about, let me think.

Editor's note: At this point, Monkey Man walked away from his computer and "thought" for a good two days. No sleeping, no talking, no eating, no killing. Just sat there and thought. Finally, he came back to the computer, checked emails, downloaded some fake nude pics of Christina Ricci, printed them, excused himself, went over to the couch in full view of me and my room-mate, "had his way" with the print-outs, noticed us, yelled, cried, and then came back to the computer.

Okay, I think.

1. Monkey Man no know who this "frued" is, Monkey Man no know what you talk about AT ALL, but Monkey Man totally agree. Monkey Man try to adapt...uh...frued philosophy when dealing with the crazies. Thank you for pointing out. Monkey Man just go ask sideburned pale man who this frued is. He tell Monkey Man, after Monkey Man think about, he realize that frued stupid and Monkey Man could easily beat in arm wrestle.

"Monkey Man beating you, Frued!"

"Tell me about your relationship with your father"

MONKEY CLAWS ACTIVATED! Monkey Man wins arm wrestle!

Sidenote: Monkey Man think it funny if they make game show called FAMILY FRUED. Wake much alcohol loving Richard Dawson, slap him in suit, give him coffee and he go talk to two families where they answer fun questions, like---

"Top ten answers on board. Name something that would suggest an unhealthy attraction to your Mother".

And then person ring buzzer, answer "Everything, really", that number one answer, they play the frued.

Monkey Man make funny joke. He belong in aminated cartoon.

2. Monkey Man's buttons no glow? When Monkey Man activate, they glow like stupid Christmas lights. He no have use to activate yet, as most of time, he busy making fun of some stupid celebrity in comic strip instead of doing what he do best, kill. You wait, he soon have use for them, and everyone go, "oh, Monkey Man's buttons DO glow. We so wrong and he belong in cartoon. What sideburned pale man thinking?"

3. And Monkey Man agree, dead squirrel should be new currency. Monkey Man say this time and time again. In fact, Monkey Man run for senator Indiana (because name close to India and Monkey Man easily fudge records), and Monkey Man platform was "A dead squirrel carcass in every pot...Vote for Monkey Man and Monkey Man kill you". Political advisor point out maybe slogan should end with "...Vote for Monkey Man OR Monkey Man kill you", and Monkey Man retort with "Hey, who political advisor here?" and political advisor fire back "Actually, I am", and at this point, Monkey Man get confused and run away, but deep down everyone know Monkey Man win argument.

As for removing cum stain on wedding dress, why you want to? Face it, only virgin supposed to wear white on wedding day, and if lady try and fool everyone into thinking she virgin, subtle cum stains could serve as WINK to people in church, like "Who am I kidding?". I say cum stains on wedding dress good.

In fact, that Monkey Man new platform. "A squirrel carcass in every pot and cum stain on every wedding dress".

Next question for too good to be aminated Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey Man,

I write this in your language so you be sure understand, okay?

I have big problem. I cannot get date with no girl. I don't look that good. Girl make fun of me and run away laughing. One girl be nice. I not understand why she be nice to me and not point and run and make fun of me like everyone else. Someone said that she nice to everyone. I agree with that person. Parents want me to find a mate. How do I do it? How do I find mate, like how Monkey Man find mate? I need to know. Monkey Man Wannabe. Peace out, I'm outtie or something like that.

Why try be like Monkey Man, totally swipe Monkey Man style? Only one Rich Little, lonely man, and you not him.

Are you? Are you Rich Little? Because that could be your problem. Rich Little, he act like many handsome men, but sad fact is, he scary man, look like walnut gone bad.

Asking Monkey Man how find woman is like asking Helen Keller how find anything. Monkey Man lonely like Rich Little. Are you trying talk like girl, like you try talk like Monkey Man? That might be problem.

"Oh, hi Lonely Internet Boy".

"I can't drive well at all! Wish man teach me! If I'm not barefoot and pregnant I worthless!"

"What are you---?"

"You think I'm fat, don't you? Let's go see that Gwyneth Paltrow movie! The one where she's the British girl who afraid to love!"

"Please stop---"

"I want to eat twice my body weight in bon bons and watch PASSIONS."

"You know, if I wanted to hear from worthless stupid girl, I'd talk to any of my female friends, or me. Go away."

(Lonely Internet Boy snaps fingers, cries, then play RESIDENT EVIL until feel better...find new girl, blow it, repeat cycle...)

See?

Next question for all man, full plate of projects so no have time to be aminated Monkey Man.

Monkey Man, why don't women like me?

Burt Lancaster

Oh, that loaded question. Could be lots of things. Maybe it because you want to be Burt Lancaster, and no women go for him except women already dead. And Monkey Man know, better than anyone, that long dead women not as much fun as lively breathing woman. Don't get wrong, dead women have upside, no dinner and a movie (and if they do want that, they either dead or you crazy or worse, you see dead people like creepy, wide-eyed robot boy who secretly longing to win Oscar and be girl), but nothing beat the satisfaction of "Okay, you really do seem pathetic, get ready for the pity hand job" from a living girl's mouth.

Maybe you REALLY Burt Lancaster. In which case, you beyond Monkey Man help. You already dead, and while that mean you want no dinner and a movie, it also mean young girls might find being dead big turn-off. Whatever, girls weird.

If you insist on getting girls, dead Burt Lancaster should call old friend Kirk Douglas. After Kirk get over shock of hearing dead friend alive, and he recover from second stroke you no doubt cause with your phone call, you suggest you two team up, make TOUGH GUYS 2.

It be good movie, like WEEKEND AT BERNIES but instead Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy you get slurring old man, instead Bernie you get Oscar winning actor Burt Lancaster. You go to private resort and meet many silicone injected females. Throw wise cracking black child in, it gay old time.

But Monkey Man must warn you, if Christina Ricci in movie, and it sounds right up her alley, you stay away. Pumpkin head is Monkey Man's girl.

Seriously, he go to poetry reading in LA one night, Ricci in audience on cell phone going "Tell MOVIELINE I at poetry reading...you my agent, just do it...why I here? Because I totally not a Hollywood sell-out...you can't see me but trust me, I'm wearing black turtleneck and everything...I gotta go, that whore Thora Birch is here, she trying to be like me...it not working, she have NAVY BLUE turtleneck..."

Anyway, Monkey Man pee on her and run, claim as own. And then pee on Thora Birch good measure.

Hope this helps. Of course it do, Monkey Man smart! See you at the movies!

Next question, for didn't want to be aminated any way Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey-man -

Why do you hang around with that Lynch fellow? Why don't you just get your site? You are the only reason anyone even comes to the site - my advice is to drop the sideburns wearing freak and create a Monkey-man porn site. I would go to that.

Best
James

This really good question. Monkey Man deserve own site. For some reason, this site all about Angry Naked Pat, and Monkey Man just supporting character. What up with that? Monkey Man have button that TURN HIM INVISIBLE. Pat just show penis, expect hah-hah to follow. No get it.

Monkey Man no want porn site, no sir. What Monkey Man show? His gear tucked safely away. Too much porn on intranet anyway.

HOLY SHIT WHAT MONKEY MAN SAYING? If Monkey Man have own porn site, he call shots. "Oh yes, Christina Ricci, little to left, smile for Monkey Man! Ha ha, I know, Christina Ricci not capable of smiling, unless it SARCASTIC, edgy, 'not really happy but wondering why you so stupid' smile. Yes, your pooter look very pretty. Yes, I notice how it give annoyed sneer, just like mouth. Very gen-x".

"Oh, what, Monkey Lady, you want to be in Monkey Man's porn site? Sorry, no room at inn, sell wares someone else. Maybe if we make 'Girls Who Break Monkey Man's Heart 2002' calander, you can be a month. Maybe all months. Don't beg, it unbecoming."

Man, that good idea, thank you James. Monkey Man leaving Pat site and branching out on his own. Monkey Man fantastic and everyone think so! Smile, it free!

Next question, rule school own phone Monkey Man.

Monkey-Man! Monkey-Man? More like Sucky-man. Quick question, Sucky, if I may call you that, which one of your buttons allows you the ability to speak in complete sentences?

PS. That helmet makes you look gay.

Um. Words hurt, secret mean person. Words hurt like being stabbing metal claws ripping through fat lonely internet boy flesh. Oh, you no know what that feels like? Monkey Man show you.

Anyway, which one of your buttons allows you stop writing magic blue monkeys with super powers and "gay helmet"? Maybe time to activate that.

This letter good, maybe. This letter ground Monkey Man, let him know that while he keep paws on ground, he hasn't yet reached the stars yet. Thank you, soon-to-be-dead mean person. Monkey Man appreciate it. But you no know Monkey Man. Not really. No one does.

But that change soon. Monkey Man story revealed to all. Monkey Man no be in aminated cartoon anytime soon, but Monkey Man get limited series, all to self! Do Pat:Red Robot have limited series? No. Do Nigel 7 say, "Hey, check out my stupid origin story?" Monkey Man no think so. But Monkey Man do.

Sideburned Pale man team up with much more talented artist, DJ Coffman, to present to you MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON, Monkey Man full origin story. It have appearance by Angry Naked Pat, but no be fooled, it all about Monkey Man.

Here DJ Coffman's version of Monkey Man. I think you agree it quite good. Monkey Man no kill DJ for a long time.

And here, just because it his site and he get all pissy if we no pay attention to him, is DJ Coffman version Pat. Very Pat-riotic. MONKEY MAN MAKE JOKE, YOU LAUGH!

It coming soon. And Monkey Man know this sound like infomercial, but you want, it beat one more question of "Dear Monkey Man, how I meet girls? I mean, I sit on my computer ALL DAY, but they still don't like me". Not that Monkey Man no appreciate crazies. Monkey Man do. Monkey Man crazy about crazies.

Monkey Man no really help anyone today. Monkey Man help self, and that what it about, really. Sometimes you have to stop and smell roses. And if roses no have EXACT SMELL you like, all hell break loose and you hurt roses. Roses have it coming. Big shot roses. Monkey Man bet they're aminated in the new Pat cartoon. Whatever. Peace, Monkey Man outty.