WEEK SIX:
Court order dictates that Monkey Man must atone for multiple killings in New Delhi by helping people through pain and suffering.

Well, today, Monkey Man go above and beyond call of duty and suffer so YOU no have to. After this column, Monkey Man go to heaven, for Monkey Man truly already go through hell on this day.

N SYNC. They biggest band ever. Their CD NO ATTACH STRINGS, best selling album all time. ABBEY ROAD? No. PET SOUNDS? No. No, it songs about loving girls song by bunch kids that Monkey Man suspect get physically ill when thinking about even LIKING girls.

Why they so big? Why they so popular? Do 15 year old girls and 30 year old gay men know something others don't?

Monkey Man find out. Monkey Man go to Sam Goody wearing trench coat and fedora so no one see Monkey Man, and buy N SYNC new album, CELEBRITY. It funny. After dropping flower pot on young New Delhian head, Monkey Man disguise himself so he no arrested. But today, Monkey Man wear costume so no one think he support Lance and company's newest offering.

"Hey, is that Monkey Man in our Sam Goody? Dude, he bad-ass, look out, he activate first magic button, get SUPER MONKEY STRENGTH and tear shit up, we better run and---what that he buying? N SYNC? Frig man, Monkey Man mellow out and get lame. Only thing in danger here is our butt cherry".

But no one notice Monkey Man. And cashier no think Monkey Man gay, because Monkey Man ALSO buy Mandy Moore new album. Monkey Man come off as real man, into hot blonde girl who make good, intelligent music. Maybe Monkey Man buy N SYNC for sister, they probably think. Monkey Man have them all fooled.

But buying album not hardest part. Getting through album, THAT hardest part. So here goes. Monkey Man review of N SYNC CELEBRITY.

Look at cover. It alone confusing and awful. But it also funny for many reasons.

1. There boys in audience waiting for N SYNC to come out of movie theater . Maybe they girl's rides, or about to perform hate crime. Monkey Man have claws crossed it latter.

2. N SYNC come out of theater playing NSYNC in CELEBRITY. Monkey Man see Woody Allen CELEBRITY, N SYNC no in it. It have Leo DeCaprio, it have Melanie Griffith, but as far as Monkey Man remember, there no blank eyed eunics in it. Monkey Man could be wrong.

3. There cheerleaders waiting outside for N SYNC. Everyone know cheerleader go for tough mean football players, not geeky sexually confused theater dorks. Maybe this photo shoot take place in Bizarro World.

4. N SYNC look annoyed at many fans outside theater. Look, Lance even push someone out of way. "No time for you, fan, Blue Oyster Bar close at midnight!"

Monkey Man think it funny if N SYNC release album 10 years from now, featuring big fat N SYNC (or, in Joey case, fatter, good Lord, Joey, watch yourself, Monkey Man worried about you), with no fans waiting outside for them. That accurate but show N SYNC have good sense of humor. Maybe Lance could be pushing old Elton John out of way, while Nathan Lane hop about in cheerleader outfit.

5. Look in bottom righthand corner. Old Lady VERY EXCITED to see N SYNC. Why? Okay, hearing might be gone so maybe she just thinks N SYNC pretty, but most likely, if this cover had sound we could hear her yelling "Those are the boys that buggered my grandson, officers!"

But maybe rest of album no bad, right? Stupid cover, sure, but maybe CONTENT good. Monkey Man think PET SOUNDS have stupid cover, Beach Boys feeding goats, yes, surely the things of rock and roll fantasy, but inside, happy sounds soothe Monkey Man's raging anger. So Monkey Man give N SYNC benefit of doubt, listen to CELEBRITY song by song. Here go!

SONG ONE "POP"

Very cunning, boys, put first single as first song. That way fans no have to wade through CRAPPY music to get to really good stuff.

This song weird. N SYNC very defensive. It basically say "we know we suck, but fuck, SOMEONE like us so shut up, we gonna be around forever."

Boys, sit down with Monkey Man. Monkey Man share secret. Minute bands start singing about how they here to stay, IT OVER. Hammer, he record "Too Legit 2 Quit". Even super cool hand gesture not save him, he have one REALLY good song left ("Addams Groove") and then it OVER. Spice Girls name new album FOREVER. Not so fast, ladies. Puff Daddy also name album FOREVER, it flop harder than J-Lo butt after she take off support panties.

Monkey Man find it interesting that Justin Timberlake co-write this song with N SYNC choreographer. Good movie, J.T. If you new to song writer, it really good idea to have someone more songwriting experience help you out. Guy who never write song, but come up with fantastically gay dance moves, he perfect choice.

Halfway through song, Justin say "I don't feel like singing no more" and the he scat. Well fuck, Justin, it only halfway through first song on album, we hope you get second wind soon, or else Lance be pushed to forefront, whimpering "I no supposed to sing, it Lance job to look creepy in background".

But maybe Justin and Choreographer just get frustrated writing, no come up with good rhymes to "girl" and "baby", they panic and through gibberish in. Monkey Man understand how it is.

Monkey Man through first song! This going to be easy!

SONG TWO "CELEBRITY"

Oh, boo hoo, it so hard be celebrity! We no know why girls like us! Yes, no worry, Justin, you soon lose everything, be on VH-1 Behind Music taking sunglasses off, wiping tear going "I bitched that I only thought they liked me because of the fame...well now I'd like to say, it's been 20 years since anyone liked us and I gotta say I DON'T CARE why you like me! Please, love me for the wrong reasons! Just love me!"

And Monkey Man laugh and laugh.

Next song.

SONG THREE "THE GAME IS OVER"

Again, weird song title for third cut of album. Monkey Man think this make better, more accurate title for entire album. But what about song? Let see.

Oh, it about lying girl. Maybe this N SYNC telling us why they no like women. We hear you loud and clear, boys.

This album really bitchy. First song "we know you hate us", second song "you only like us because we famous, this song, "girls are liars". It must be N SYNC time of month. You know close friends get periods at same time, Monkey Man sure this the case for N SYNC. What you think "No Strings Attached" mean? Do the math.

And why Justin bitch about GIRLS at all? Let take look at Justin Girlfriend.

Now let see Justin.

Yes, Justin, you have reason to be picky. Maybe Justin sick of Britney lying, saying "No Justin, you don't look a thing like Chicken Lady from KIDS IN THE HALL".

Uncanny resemblance, isn't it? Now Monkey Man pissed off.

Next song.

SONG FOUR "GIRLFRIEND"

Justin take lead again. Are there any other members in N SYNC? They busy the two hours this entire album recorded?

Original song title aside, this creepy number. It future R and B techno sung by white boy.

Justin try and steal young lady from her man. Monkey Man figure he just distracting girl so Lance can put moves on boyfriend.

Last line, "we don't care at all, now let me see you up up up against the wall", that go long way in proving Monkey Man's theory.

Song 3, they say "girls liars, that bad!". Song 4, they say, "come on girls, lie!"

Monkey Man think mixed messages going out to little girls. Monkey Man must destroy N SYNC. But like some big gay phoenix they rise from ashes.

Next song.

SONG FIVE "THE TWO OF US"

Oh dear God. No, let me take this back, there no God. Not at all. Song start out with Beatles-y dream music, very soothing carnival style, and then JC (finally another member of N SYNC is heard, Justin must be busy taking six showers because he had to touch a girl in last song) coming in and telling girl how much he love her.

But you tell me if this don't sound like maybe JC a little obsessive with girl in question.

"Listen carefully girl because this is from my heart...so if you're ready...see, I toss and turn when I'm alone...and I just can't wait until you get home...waiting for your call...because tonight we're gonna do it all...girl, it's just the two of ussssssssss..."

JC, you in N SYNC, which is currently (and Monkey Man stress the world CURRENTLY) one of the biggest bands in the world. You no have to try this hard. Take it down notch. Play little hard to get.

"JC was pretty cool at first, and then he started getting really clingy...he tells me he can't be alone, he waits by the phone, he says we can only hang out alone, no one else is allowed to come...I don't know, maybe I should have blown the creepy wacky one that used to have dreads that night on the tour bus...but I was so drunk on Lance's Zima".

Okay, Monkey Man hope next song not about girls, N SYNC no able to handle them. Maybe it another song about hey they no suck.

SONG SIX "GONE"

Slow song. Not much music. This not so bad. Monkey Man no feel gayer than a prison on Valentine's Day listening to it. It almost sound like Michael Jackson on off day. Drained through a talent filter, if such thing exist. With lyrics written by a drunk Tito.

Justin take reigns of this number again. He probably take microphone away from sobbing JC and say "see what happens when you take over? You get all creepy! Go in the background with the fat old guy and shut up!"

This song about girl leaving. Well no shit. After JC little tirade, every girl in America file restraining order.

SONG SEVEN "TELL ME, TELL ME...BABY"

Liner notes say this written by guy who write Britney's "Hit me Baby...One More Time". Wow, he really branch out on this one.

"No, they don't want the baby in question to HIT them, they just, they just wanna be TOLD...can you dig that?"

And then N SYNC answers with a monotone "Woooooooord."

Lots of glass breaking. Lots of "oh ohs" and "yeah yeahs". It sound like "Hit me Baby" but more feminine. Justin still singing. Does Lance carry the equipment, weird dread-guy make the hotel reservations, what?

They give JC one verse in this one. But he blow it. First line: "From the moment we met, I knew that I was all set". WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, JC?

I mean, look at him.

He not so bad, right? By N SYNC standards, he pretty good looking. Why he have to try so hard? He must have cruel childhood. Monkey Man feel for JC. He sing backup to creepy effeminate Britney-humper. That gotta take toll on ego.

Next song, please.

SONG EIGHT "UP AGAINST THE WALL"

Uh oh. This line used before on the album. But N SYNC like visual so much they get all excited and give it own song.

JC get spotlight again. He tell story of night when he meet "fine girl". Light low at club, everyone dancing. Make no mistake readers "the girl was was fine, and she knew she had game...what more do I have to say?"

Uh, lots, JC. That end of story? There pretty girl at club that KNEW she was hot? Wow, slap a cover on it and you have yourself first novel.

Oh, but it keep going. They start grinding, didn't say a word. Maybe this good thing, so JC don't launch into "I love you do you love me what's your name where are you going". So she grab his hair and has HIM against the wall. Look out, JC, you dealing with real tomcat, JC!

Oh, and refrain? It's...

"We know we don't care at all, when we're caught up against the wall". This FANTASTIC message to send out to young girls. Bravo, N SYNC!

Quick, write song "date rape pill go great with pink lemonade", it big hit.

Ugh. Monkey Man proud of JC, but getting sick. Next awful song.

SONG NINE "SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU"

Okay. This keep up common theme run through album. Justin bitch about lying, scheming girls that wrong him, and now boastful, confidant JC yell refrain of "oh yeah? well he NOT as cool as me!"

Monkey Man now see this as a concept album. It story of woman-hating he-she and his shy friend that slowly get way too much confidence.

And their three friends who really don't do anything at all.

And what FRIG this have to do with "CELEBRITY" anyway? Except for first two songs, this all about girls. Stupid evil N SYNC.

Let's hope next song is nicer.

SONG TEN "SELFISH"

Uh oh. Title can't be good. Monkey Man no want to listen, Monkey Man bet it simply Justin whining about how selfish girls are, and how they lie and cheat and are in it only for themselves. Get over it, Justin.

If you singing about Britney and she truly does all bad things you say, then consider the fact that she also this---

---and shut fuck up. Monkey Man move on, no listen to song. Sorry, Justin, Monkey Man just selfish like all girl and he no hear your stupid on the rag rant.

Next song.

SONG ELEVEN "JUST DON'T TELL ME THAT"

More bad techno music. Monkey Man realize reader probably feeling pretty frigging gay reading this, so Monkey Man put picture up to help you through it. While you look, Monkey Man listen to GOOD techno like "James Brown is Dead" Be right back, you get hetereosexuality back, courtesy of GERI HALLIWELL PLAYING SOCCER!!!

Ah, that Geri Halliwell do it every time, doesn't she? Monkey Man back to full strength, bring on more crap!

SONG TWELVE "SOMETHING LIKE YOU"

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Worst song yet! Justin try to make amends and sing how GREAT girls are! Sorry young man, but we hear rest of album, you no go "You all are lying and cheating whores, but I just can't be without you!" Monkey Man have enough of your mind games! For women everywhere, next time Monkey Man see you he activate first magic button, extend claws, make no-talent man-bitch cole slaw.

Monkey Man see light at end of tunnel, we reach LAST SONG!

SONG THIRTEEN "DO YOUR THING"

Oh, for last song, N SYNC become ENYA. Happy, soothing music. N SYNC try and calm Monkey Man down. Sorry, it no work. Monkey Man take CD out and eat it, then shit out much later, take CD-studded poop, light on fire. THAT make Monkey Man feel better.

So Monkey Man have to give grade to entire album. Hmmmm. On one hand, it really awful, but on other hand, it...shit, on both hands, it really awful.

Monkey Man grade: F.

There, Monkey Man help lots people today. Anyone thinking of buying album, no do it. Not even as goof. It really suck. You want to buy music so bad, it funny, go check out any MEATLOAF album.

But Monkey Man learn lots from CD. It so very hard being a celebrity, and girls suck, except when you don't bother getting their name and bang them against wall. But Monkey Man disagree. Girls fantastic, and you should always get name before banging against wall.

N SYNC have lots of problems. They should send Monkey Man letters. But if not, Monkey Man dispense advice to group---

JUSTIN: Girls are nice. No idea what Britney is doing to you, but silicone fun isn't worth the mental torment she's putting you through. If it THAT bad, move on.

JC: You special in own way. Don't get so down on self. Push Justin off stage, take over group, and girls will love you. Just don't love them back to the point of chopping limbs off and keeping them in box.

LANCE, DREAD GUY and FAT OLD MAN: Monkey Man feel like he no really get to know you. You no say one word on album. Best you leave group, start solo careers as pool cleaners or something. This means end of N SYNC, and nation will applaud you.

That it. Monkey Man must go and take sixty showers, get N SYNC stank off of him.

And Britney, give call, Monkey Man don't mind the crazy head games, and Monkey Man promise not to write bitchy songs about you with Monkey Man choreographer.

Peace, Monkey Man outty.