WEEK SEVEN:
Monkey Man still suffering from week long hang over caused by N SYNC album. Songs won't get out of Monkey Man head. Monkey Man wonder if review was worth it. Lots of people read N SYNC CELEBRITY REVIEW and Monkey Man aware he do good deed, but not good enough. N SYNC album sell 1.9 million copies in first week. That just wrong. No one listen to Monkey Man.

If ASK MONKEY MAN column around when Hitler rise to power, Monkey Man give Hitler rating of F and Monkey Man bet you still go out and vote for him.

"Well Monkey Man, he did get the trains running on time. And the Nazi uniforms sure are crisp and neatly pressed".

And yes, Monkey Man know he compare N SYNC to Hitler. And he see nothing wrong with that.

But it no matter, no one listen to Monkey Man. Couple months ago, Monkey Man "lucky" enough to catch screening of PLANET GONE APE movie, he write review, send it to MOVIE POOPSHOOT. They ignore it.

So Monkey Man post it here. Hope you like. This actually first thing Monkey Man ever write. Monkey Man not as good with sentence thing as he is now.

Please make note, Monkey Man tell correct ending of movie, Monkey Man REALLY SEE movie, still no one listens. Anyway, here go---

MONKEY MAN NO LIKE THE PLANET OF THE APES!

You greet Monkey Man, yes! Monkey Man long time lurker, first time review monkey!

Monkey Man lurk in bushes waiting to attack pasty fat computer friends yes! Monkey Man have three buttons! First turn Monkey Man into monkey, look out Monkey with claws! Second give Monkey extra strength but he not need it against swamp butt ridden acne boy! Third turn Monkey invisible, hide from New Delhi authorities, look out where Monkey Man go? Hah, day is Monkey Man's.

Monkey Man attack and begin eating movie exec man on recent trip Hollywood.

"Oh please no eat me Monkey Man" and Monkey Man laugh because Monkey Man already eat exec man's foot, yes!

Limp bleed Movie Exec give Monkey Man tickets advance screen PLANET OF APES made by much weird Tim Burton. Monkey Man eat someone like Tim Burton one time. Monkey Man trip for two days call trees friends and make action figures out of poop.

Monkey Man eat tickets day of screening. Monkey Man no go? Monkey Man go! Quick press third button, Monkey Man sneak past red jacket clad ticket man in wheelchair and find seat.

Monkey Man see much big sweaty man long red hair and beard accepting check from limp bleed movie Exec if say he like film on Cool web site. Big Man red beard say he spend on ultra rare Farscape Figure figure on E Bay. Big Man red beard talk awful lot personal stories no one care about but him. Memo to Monkey Man: Kill Big Man red beard.

Movie start. Trailer for much stupid pot super hero movie starring Dawson and Dances With Pies. It look funny no hah hah funny but hmmmmm funny. Monkey Man think he see Luke Skywalker but not sure because Big Man red beard distract Monkey Man with story about he go see IRON GIANT that turn into story about how Big Man red beard always want robot when he kid.

Monkey Man wish Big Man red beard have robot with one setting: step on Big Man red beard. Until dead.

PLANET APES start. Marky Mark he no rap no more but feel it feel it he big time serious movie star. Monkey Man see Marky Mark on MTV awards and he act like he big and too cool be there like he Johnny Depp. Monkey Man remember time Marky Mark glad he get invited MTV awards. Marky Mark no wear shirt and act black then, yell lot, scare Monkey Man. Now Marky Mark talk real soft because he acting. Monkey Man not fooled, Monkey Man know he waiting to rip off space suit and tell Ape Army they gotta believe.

Marky Mark crash on Ape planet, where am I? think Marky Mark. Monkey Man know where he wish Marky Mark was, deep in Monkey Man's stool next to Big Man red beard. Monkey Man wonders he kill Marky Mark if Marky Mark revert back to yell much or die very softly because he big time actor. Monkey Man solve this soon. Sleep one eye open, Good Vibration Man.

Ape army no like Marky Mark. Monkey Man identify. We suppose to YAY when Calvin Klien whore kill friendly but want to kill you Monkeys. This Monkey Man no buy it. At least "evil monkeys" no make homophobic comments.

Monkey Man experiment with homosexuality once. Story for another time.

Monkeys good actor. They run yell kill people yes. They get monkey shaped oscar or better yet banana for job well done. Marky Mark get swift kick rear and swipe of Monkey Man claw.

Monkey Man return home or DO HE? Lincoln Memorial, it have MONKEY FACE on it! Happy ending for all. Movie no like Heston Monkey Ape Planet. Movie have bright special effects, much Monkey action. But it as racist to Monkeys as PEARL HARBOR is Asians. Asians in PEARL HARBOR so evil Monkey Man expect them have metal claws and morph into dragon. Ben Affleck he save Pearl Harbor. No one save Monkey Man from three hours much fast cutting sappy talk. Monkey Man find Michael Bay dark alley show him what real "fast cutting" is. Monkey Man make joke. But Monkey Man deadly serious.

In concluding, Monkey Man no like APE PLANET MUCH DANGER. It boring and Marky Mark taunt Monkey Man. I think he gay. Happy ending no save WE NEED LEAVE PLANET IT FULL MONKEY. Even happier ending two minute later, when Monkey Man kill Big Man red beard and make house for Monkey Man family.

Monkey Man give five stars out of five. Scale being one star great movie, two stars good movie, three stars also good movie, four stars not good but Owen Wilson funny, four and a half stars Monkey Man no see movie, and five stars Monkey Man kill Marky Mark.

See? You listen to Monkey Man, you spared pain of seeing PLANET WITH APE movie. Though Monkey Man see it again, and like one thing about it.

Monkey Man very attracted to girl in movie. She define the word "sexy". Monkey Man serious, you look up "sexy" in dictionary and you find picture of her. But make sure you read from Monkey Man private personal dictionary, with pictures ripped out "MAXIM" pasted in pages better define words that confuse Monkey Man. Anyway, Monkey Man find soul-mate in beautiful APE WORLD movie. Here she is.

Yeah right. Monkey Man make joke. She nasty. Smooth skin, human feature. Ew. She use spear in movie, Monkey Man swear it own personal ugly stick. No, woman Monkey Man like this girl---

See? So freaking hot it scary. Give Monkey Man boner, make it hard tuck between legs. Though Monkey Man admit if you squint she look too much like this---

And no one want that. Memo to self: No squinting around PLANET GOODTIME APE woman. She turn into evil King of Pop-ping children butt hymen.

Though he might go for Monkey Man. He hang out with much monkey. Monkey Man bet those monkeys have white knuckle nightmares that end with Monkey springing out of bed, yelling "but it no what God intended!!!!"

Anyway, Monkey Man very much in love with woman from KILL MARKY APE KILL movie, so he check out IMDB and find other movie starring her. Monkey Man find out her name Helen Bonham Carter. Monkey Man rent much movie with her.

And Monkey Man no like what he see. First of all, directors of other movie insist Helen wear gobs make up, hide her ape features. What up with that? Movie people behind times. This what she look like with make up...

She disgusting. Monkey Man use 3 bags when looking at this picture. One over head, so he no see, other under first bag, in case first bag fall off, and third filled with much rock, squish any squirrel that walk by, so Monkey Man can eat while he looking at picture.

Hidden ape girl Helen in movie FIGHT CLUB. Here her co-stars in movie.

This movie more gay than N SYNC. Oh sure, there lots of fighting and stuff, but that just distract you from fact that two leads want push Helen out of way, start making out. No one is fooled, FIGHT CLUB boys. You "FIRST RULE FIGHT GAY CLUB, NO ONE TALK ABOUT FIGHT GAY CLUB" scarily close to "don't ask don't tell" policy.

And fact that you two really SAME person at end just big cop out. You bigtime Hollywood director, you have guts to make movie about gay men that fight, you MAKE MOVIE about gay men fight. You no have one be figment imagination.

Great, now Monkey Man talk too much about FIGHT CLUB being gay. That just wrong. Monkey Man no homophobic. In fact, all this talk super hot Brad Pitt and bet he's nice guy Ed Norton, Monkey Man feel a little gay. It time do something about it, so Monkey Man present to you GERI HALLIWELL PLAYING FOOTBALL!!!

Ah yes. That do trick. Monkey Man no care Geri Halliwell no look like ape, she perfect woman. Sideburned pale man, he sweat her too, he say he marry her, but we all know she got eyes for Monkey Man.

What we talk about? Monkey Man not remember anything before Geri Halliwell. PLANET APE movie? Fine, we talk about that. Monkey Man ALMOST enjoy PLANET HOT SWEATY APE GIRL movie, until Helen kiss Marky Mark. Why she lower standards like that. Maybe Marky Mark just rebound for Helen character. Maybe she break up with dashing blue monkey with magic buttons and she say "I show him, I hook up with first monotone actor with no personality that try be bad ass even though his rap ablum more generic than RIGHT SAID FRED that happens to stroll by!"

So, in conclusion, Monkey Man no like APE TIME PLANET or FIGHT CLUB or Marky Mark. Monkey Man hopes two leads in FIGHT CLUB still dating, they seem so much in love, and Monkey Man want Helen call him. He accept her for what she is. Unless he already dating Geri Halliwell, in which case, sorry Helen, you waste too much time kissing VANILLA ICE BUT WITH EDGE, Monkey Man find another.

Next week, Monkey Man answer questions of crazies, Monkey Man promise. Until then, Monkey Man go see RUSH HOUR 2. It should be good, it star one person you no understand and one person you WISH you no understand. Peace, Monkey Man outty.