WEEK NINE:

Oh, it been far too long. Monkey Man wonder if sad crazies even know who Monkey Man is at this point. Monkey Man (and consulate of New Dehli) make it number one goal to help people with problems. Then Monkey Man get sidetracked, warn masses about N SYNC album that stinks up joint. All well and good, but then Monkey Man no help crazies next week, instead post review of PLANET APE RUN MARKY. Crazy population grow as Monkey Man forget duty. Then Monkey Man hobknob with big Hollywood producer, talk about WHO LOVES PIE CHAPTER II and STOP THAT FIGTHING, YOU CAT AND ALSO DOG, and world goes even crazier.

So Monkey Man ready THE NEXT WEEK to battle forces of nuttiness. But sidburned pale man run to LA, take Monkey Man with him. We take meetings on sideburned pale man new show. It sound scary and stupid, but Monkey Man keep quiet because sideburned pale man nice enough hide Monkey Man in overhead compartment on airplane.

Then sideburned pale man talk to swarmy agents about ANGRY NAKED PAT cartoon. They all excited, think big things for it, but where Monkey Man, they wonder. Sideburned pale man promise Monkey Man introduced very soon, episodes 7 and 8. This make swarmy agents happy. And Monkey Man even more happy. Monkey Man going to be big star of internet cartoon, right up there with...other...big internet cartoon...type stars...like...yeah.

Anyway, back to answering questions of crazies. Monkey Man really no have time for this, he big star and all, but Monkey Man no forget little people, he take time out, pretend to care. So let go first question, little people!

Monkey Man,

I live on Staten Island and, to be perfectly honest, it has a large garbage dump on it. Normally this wouldn't be a problem as I just dig myself into a huge pile of trash and am as happy as a.... Staten Islander in garbage. Lately however, there have been mutants emerging from the "choicer" sections of the landfill. Not content to drink beer and start fights like the rest of us, they've been eating children, ripping comic books, and generally causing some mischief. As I lack magic buttons to help me fight homeless people and mutants, I am writing for some advice on how to deal with situation. Please respond as soon as possible. The bonfires scare them a little less each night.

Brian Quinn

Oh Brian Quinn, Monkey Man wish he could help. But truth is, you on Staten Island, there no hope for you at all. My advice, cut losses, Brian Quinn, cut losses, grab most healthy friends, and bolt from Staten Island like it big pile of garbage with no redeeming values. Because, and here the secret, so lean in, Brian Quinn, lean in good and listen Monkey Man words of wisdom...

...Staten Island no HAVE big garbage dump, Staten Island IS big garbage dump. Oh sure, some evil man get good idea, build houses on garbage, tell people "you smell something? It must be you. I just smell Staten Island-y goodness". Since most people in Staten Island quite stupid, they simply nod and agree, not wanting look dumb. That why when you enter Staten Island, sign say "Welcome to Staten Island...what? We no smell anything. Go to hell."

Seriously. One time in New Dehli, Monkey Man really hungry. He steal snake from snake charmer, eat snake live. Two hours later, snake come out in Monkey Man poop. Still alive. Monkey Man look at steaming pile of pooh with live snake wriggling. THAT like a little mini portable Staten Island.

Monkey Man sidenote: Two italian families since move into steaming pile of snake pooh. They very happy, have weird sense of pride living there. So Brian Quinn, run. Run from Staten Island. If you already not hideously deformed like Sloth from GOONIES, you able to make people forget you from worse place on Earth. Look at Wu Tang Clan. They so upset they from evil garbage town, population:mutants that they try and give it awesome chinese name. It no work, you take one look at mess that is Ole Dirty Bastard, you know they from Staten Island.

Next question for Monkey Man.

You are a modern wonder of science. All of America loves you. You are being considered for the Independent Party ticket in 2004. So tell us: How did you learn to speak?

Sincerely,

Cory J. Frye I, Esq.

This amazing question except really stupid. First of all, Monkey Man have designs on politics. I no care what you read in New York Post page 6 column, it a blatant lie. Monkey Man have one too many sex on the beach-a-mises and babble to whomever listen. Monkey Man have no idea that gossip mongers there. Monkey Man should have known, they smell worse than Staten Island.

As for how Monkey Man learn how to speak, Monkey Man think it have to do with puberty. Monkey Man no know how, Monkey Man just happy monkey, and then POW Monkey Man turn blue, receive magic powers and able to speak. Others claim it have to do with massive testing in lab, but deep down, Monkey Man know it just puberty.

This all dealt with in upcoming MONKEY MAN ON MOON limited series on angrynakedpat.com. Four weeks of comic booky all-Monkey Man goodness. And finally, Monkey Man drawn by someone halfway decent, instead of "I's can draw real good like, look-y Mom!" sideburned pale man. You enjoy it.

Thank you, Cory J. Frye I, Esq, for allowing Monkey Man to plug.

Next question.

Dear Monkey Man,

I am trying to get over this crush I have on a good friend. She's already expressed that she doesn't want a boyfriend right now cause she's getting over her ex. What should I do to get over her.

Thanks, Alex Manning

Easy. Best way to get over crush is find willing girl monkey, knock her into next tomorrow with full-on monkey love. You laugh, sure, but Monkey Man do this many, many times, and it work like charm. You take it from Monkey Man, it hard to be sad about crush when you engage in fun-time "no your leg go this way, it provide necessary pressure against monkey pee pee just do it I promise I write check but first you move leg why don't you love me where you going" sex acts.

Or just try and look more like ex, win her over. Take it from Monkey Man, girls crazy. Seriously. Take the craziest guy. Put him in crazy machine. Crank it up full power. For two days. Then take him out. Take him to crazy store. Let him pick out biggest crazy. Buy it for him. Let him use it. On way home, beat him with crazy stick repeatedly until he talk gibberish. Finally, hit him with top secret goverment crazytron gun 6001, full blast, for two days. When done, Monkey Man promise you, he still only 1/5 as crazy as sanest girl on planet.

You look like ex, she get confused and hook up. Then she wake up and cry, and you respond with heartfelt, "I know how you feel, you know what would cheer you up? If you made me breakfast and then left, never to speak of this day again". It work like charm.

Next question for Monkey Man.

Dear Monkey-man,

I have a very important question for you. I am playing Diablo II on my PC as a Sorceress (Yeah, I know the Sorceress is a chick but I am not gay - I am totally hetero -I just like her because she has the best spells) and I keep getting killed by Duriel, the Prince of Pain, in Tal Rasha's tomb. My character, whom I have given the moniker, Shera, is at level 24 and is very skilled in Cold Spells and Warmth. I get into Duriel's lair and he kills me with his big stupid claws and Cold spells in like two seconds,.what should I do Monkey-Man?

Sincerly,

John

Monkey Man think long and hard about this one, John. Monkey Man talk it over with local clergyman, therapist, and your parents. We all agree only thing to do is kill yourself. Seriously, only option left. You tried everything else, Monkey Man think hanging yourself from ceiling in living room is only way to find magic warp zone to heaven, where God wait with super-cool joystick with extra buttons that do really neat things that allow you to beat this game.

Monkey Man just kidding. No kill self. Just chop off hands, prevent you from (A) wasting time on stupid computer game while life passes you by, and (B) ever EVER typing a question and annoying Monkey Man. Thanks for asking, John! Good luck!

Now this column very geeky, thanks John stupid virgin question. Monkey Man have to cool it up a bit. So Monkey Man present to you greatest woman ever lived, Geri Halliwell. You welcome.

Ah, that better. Last question for now erect Monkey Man.

It's me, Lotus.

The General's on to you. Run low, stay low; hide. It's like we did back in Phnom Penh... Remember you're training.

You thought the battlefield was at Quon-Kwok, but it's inside. It's always been inside. And now it's coming out. Habib's up to something... Something... not good. Stay underground... Stay alive.

Be resourceful. Use the CAT mechanism if need be... Pull out all the stops.

They're coming.

They're coming to avenge New Delhi.

Lotus Out.

PS: What type of chocolates should I use to woo this girl at the office? She's Hindu, so it can't be milk chocolate. Thanks.

Hm. Yes, indeed. Monkey Man admit he have no idea what "Lotus" talking about, and Monkey Man very very sure when "Lotus" write this he think it all snapping motion super cool, and Monkey Man no want to piss in "Lotus"-es-es sugarbowl, but "Lotus", remember what Monkey Man say about cutting off hands? Yes, go read that. Monkey Man wait.

...

Cutting off hands have lots of viable advantages. You able to get awesome changing robot-hands, from whirly bird copter to laser gun to simple cork screw. You get best handicap parking spaces, you win award for "least hands" in high school yearbook, but most of all, you leave Monkey Man alone. Monkey Man have no time for attempt at comedy. Monkey Man big internet cartoon star now. Good try, "Lotus", and maybe old, non-Hollywood Monkey Man humor your rant, but sun-tanned diamond buying Monkey Man simply wave you away and hope bodygaurd rough you up once you out of eyesight.

Monkey Man help lots of people this time out. Yes, Monkey Man do very good. If any of you have hands by end of column, feel free to send Monkey Man questions HERE. Monkey Man always glad to help. If Monkey Man not too busy. Peace, have your people call Monkey Man people, Monkey Man outty.