Before I introduce myself, I thought it would be a good idea to create a theme song for the first issue of Twitch. How many magazines do you know of that have theme songs? NONE, that's how many. Sure, you can't hear it, but, I'll lay out the words, you guys can put an instrumental on in the background if you feel the need, and you can sing it loud and proud by yourself or with loved ones. Here goes..

Twitch, Twitch, ----Zoop Zoop Zoopy ----Twitch, Twitch, ---- Super Cocky Lukeee ----Twitch Twicky Twiaaatch --------I like it, I loves it. ----Twangy Twangy Tweaaaatch, ---- It's so good, I wants ta eats it.---Twitch, YEAH.

Hi people, my name is Andy Milonakis and I'm from a little place called The U. S. OF A. I'm here, (well, I'm actually in N.Y.) but I'm HERE on this magazine to write you a little thing or two about pretty much nothing. I know what you're thinking, "why would I want to read a column about nothing" or you may be thinking "Damn it's cold in here, and we're out of fire wood, if this bullshit column will keep me warm for another mili-second, it will be worth it." To person A, I say, who wants to read about "stuff", what are you going to read about, the latest car? Or what kind of cereal Caliste Flockheart eats on her diet? Blah blah, this turbo engine goes super mega fast and it is such a great car to buy, you should get this car today, we tested the sucker out with nitro and it went fast, look at the pictures on page 56. Are you back yet? See how FAST it looks, ZOOOM. The masses are boring, unfunny, mental midgets. Good thing Twitch only gives issues out to funny, intelligent readers. That's YOU and YOU and yes, even YOU. I would hate to spend my two and a half valuable minutes writing this while a bunch of mindless fools get their mitts on it and say "What's an Andy Milonakis and how come when I opened up this magazine there was no white cards that fell on the ground, that's funny because it makes me laugh and I never pick them up". Onto person B, if what you've read hasn't warmed your little heart by now, crumple this page up and chuck the sucker in. Alls I'm saying is, get used to the flames.....and um, get used to LUCIFER too, and get used to BEING IN HELL FOR ETERNITY, yeah, HELL. Ok, so I should have stopped at "flames", I was just scared that no one would get the joke, so I over explained it a tad. I just want you guys to like me..do you? (Twiddles his thumbs) Damn, how come I didn't get any fucking responses? All I see is a stupid little cursor blinking on my screen; I'm feeling pretty sad and alone right now and, sure, even a little dizzy. So please send me some fan mail, I know I don't have any fans yet but write it out to someone you're a fan of, I'll sniff the envelope, pretend the cinnamon scratch n sniff heart stickers are for me and then I'll make sure that your favorite celebrity gets it.

Goodbye ---------------------------- for now.