This must be very exciting for you. What’s THIS? Hollywood’s Brian Lynch has a column in TWITCH? “But this magazine is CANADIAN! Hollywood is in AMERICA! Will I not understand his subtle American humor? Will he reference things I am not familiar with? Does he appreciate Michael J Fox, Kids in the Hall and/or Tom Green?”

Well, you can bet good money (AMERICAN money, natch, not the beaded necklaces you “people” use as currency) that I will talk down to you as not to lose my audience, and don’t worry, I fully appreciate the aforementioned Canadian heroes (hell, I even have FREDDY GOT FINGERED on dvd…hated said movie, but I bought it in an attempt to understand what passes for your “culture”).

You all know who I am, so let’s skip the intros. Let’s just say that, yes, it’s an honor for you that I am here, and yes, I put my SIX THOUSAND AMERICAN DOLLARS A PAIR slacks on one leg at a time, just like you.

How is Hollywood’s Brian Lynch today, you ask? Vexed, I answer. What if there are SOME PEOPLE SOMEWHERE that don’t know about said column for TWITCH. I better get out and make sure everyone is aware.

So I’m taking to the streets. Or, more accurately and sadly, the internet. I better hit the chat rooms just to make sure everyone’s aware of this column.

My fans are very, very smart because they appreciate writing that is wrote good, so I best find the SMARTEST chat room to start my crusade…hmmmm, let’s see…

…aaaaaaaaaah, fans of the WWF Chat Room on AOL. Fantastic. They’re well-rounded, if they like wrestling they MUST be into not only sports but theater.

You have just entered room "WWFChat 1."
MARCakaME: god, what a tard
SuNKiSTJ911: Me?
vincecfan64: YOU ARE ALL LOSERS
SuNKiSTJ911: ne one wannta chat
DabsnCo: lol
JakeDaSnakeRbrts: polohockeyman is a pussy

Okay, so my hunch was right. These people ARE on the ball. I better start off with something REALLY heady, so I can instantly win their trust.

LYNCH: God I love wrestling
vincecfan64: Want ta fight LOSER
polohockeyman04: loserrrrrrrr
LYNCH: Who here loves wrestling
DabsnCo: Wrestling rules
LYNCH: I know, right?
LYNCH: It's almost as good as Hollywood Brian Lynch's new column for TWITCH magazine.
theGREATarino: jerico sucks
JerichoLover4592: never
LYNCH: Jerico DOES suck, but TWITCH magazine rules
LYNCH: and so does Hollywood Brian Lynch's new column
JerichoLover4592: jericho will never suck
theGREATarino: hardys rule!!!
LYNCH: Right on

Okay, I’m losing my audience. I best hit them with something REALLY profound to get their attention.

LYNCH: Hey, does anyone else get a little turned on by wrestling
hardygurl3487: any guys want to chat im me!!
LYNCH: I mean, let's face it, the Rock is hot
polohockeyman04: jericho kisses too much fat stephanie ass
theGREATarino: lol
theGREATarino: rock is hott
LYNCH: And when he rolls around with other scantily clad muscle men
LYNCH: Well, let's just say I smell what the Rock is cooking
JerichoLover4592: rock sux dick
LYNCH: In a perfect world, maybe.
theGREATarino: lmao
XSWOwner415 has entered the room.
LYNCH: You know what else is hot like the Rock who is hot? Is Hollywood Brian Lynch's new column for TWITCH magazine
theGREATarino: hardys and rock kick ass
polohockeyman04: hardys are awesomeeeeeeeeeee
LYNCH: Hardys ARE awesome, they're wicked awesome, and they love TWITCH magazine
LYNCH: They're always telling me "We, the Hardys, would be HARDY-PRESSED to find a better magazine than TWITCH" which is funny because their name is the Hardys.
DabsnCo: Rock is overdramatic

This guy made a good point. Rock IS too overdramatic. I long for the subtle ring-acting of a Hulk Hogan or a Roddy Piper. But aside from that revelation, these people don’t seem very smart. I best test their knowledge to see if they’re worthy of TWITCH.

LYNCH: Hey, who are the current tag team champions?
DabsnCo: um.....
DabsnCo: Billy and Chuck
DabsnCo: aka. the gay squad
theGREATarino: lmao
lilStephprincess: lol
Irish Impaler: Billy and Chuck.
DabsnCo: billy and chuck are tag champs
theGREATarino: Billy and Chuck
LYNCH: And who is the current Secretary of State?

Dead silence. Damn, these people might not be a smart as I had hoped. I best move on. Farewell, wrasslin’ fans, and good look with the denial about your own sexuality.

Ah, a Dixie Chick chat room. PLUSES: Probably lots of fine inbred ladies. MINUSES: I don’t know DICK about the Dixie Chicks. Thankfully, I do know VOLUMES about fine inbred ladies.

You have just entered room "DixieChicks."
LYNCH: Hey, did anyone get the Dixie Chicks new album? It is RIP ROARIN'.
PacSunChic303: a/s/l?

Okay, I’m being tested. I better answer honestly…

LYNCH: 28/m/America which I love more than ever after 9/11
CowgrlGoneBlonde has entered the room.
royalreader91 has left the room.
LYNCH: I got a question a/s/favorite magazine OTHER THAN TWITCH?

Dead silence. This isn’t working out AT ALL. Dammit, it was EVEN WORSE than the Wrestling room. Maybe I should stick with music I KNOW ABOUT.

You have just entered room "Backstreet Boys."

What? I know some things about The Backstreet Boys. For instance…um…

They suck. That’s MORE than enough.

LToWnHoTieGrL12: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS HOT AS HELL!!!

This stupid jerk has it all wrong. Everyone knows that Justin is one of the no talent jag-offs from N SYNC, he’s NOT a no talent jag-off from The Backstreet Boys.

LYNCH: Hey, you know what's SLAMMIN' and also BANGIN'?
ImAPlatypus2002: nsync sux
LYNCH: Is TWITCH magazine, and specifically Hollywood Brian Lynch's new column. He's as cute as the...um...the cutest Backstreet Boy, and as fun as that dirty drunk one.
LYNCH: Am I right?
LYNCH: People?
LYNCH: Kids?

Dead silence again. I best get off the whole MUSIC chat room theme, and concentrate on something REALLY intelligent. Television.

You have just entered room "Six Feet Under."
LYNCH: Hi, I'm gay and morbid

Damn, I got booted from the room. For trying to blend in. Dammit, they must have have known I’m neither gay nor morbid. But I shouldn’t give up the whole television idea. Let me try ONE MORE before I give up and become TRULY morbid and, okay, a little bit gay---

You have just entered room "Sex and the City 4."

Okay, I best win over the crowd again.

LYNCH: Hi, I'm a thirty five year old hag who is also a bit of a slut. TWITCH rules.
ilovematt4ever89: 14/f/mn here with a pic.IM me!!
LYNCH: Hey, Ilovematt, when the first issue of TWITCH comes out, you're gonna change your name to IloveHollywoodsBrianLynch
LYNCH: if you haven't already
kissespur91: butt smellers
LYNCH: Buttsmellers indeed, TWITCH rules though, doesn't it?
ekoswimr29: hi
LYNCH: hi, swimr29, we were just talking about having sex with lots of dudes and also how cool TWITCH is
ekoswimr29: oh ok
LYNCH: Don't you love TWITCH?
ekoswimr29: whats twitch

BINGO BANGO POPCORN! We have interest! Now for the hard sell, but Lynch, remember your audience…

LYNCH: It's a great new magazine from Canada that all the dudes and the hags who have sex with them love
LYNCH: Specifically Hollywood's Brian Lynch's column
LYNCH: he's the dreamiest
dance3988B: Anyone bi
LYNCH: I'm bi, in that I will BI Twitch no matter how much it costs
LYNCH: You know what I mean?
dance3988B: no O don't know what u mean
dance3988B: I don't get that
LYNCH: Oh, TWITCH is a fantastic new Canadian magazine that the critics say is the best magazine since HIGHLIGHTS
LYNCH: It'll make TIME MAGAZINE seem like a slow ride to grandma's house
LYNCH: So I can assume you will go out and get it when it hits the stands
PhillyPhell: nah
PhillyPhell: i wont
PhillyPhell: it sounds gay

SOUNDS GAY? SOUNDS GAY? I better hit him where he lives.

LYNCH: You won't? Well then, PhillyPhell, you're missing out on the finest columns since God printed his "TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR YOU" column on that stone tablet magazine But, just in case THAT wasn’t good enough…
LYNCH: It's also, um, full of hot ladies who have almost no clothes on that will want to have sex with you
PhillyPhell: oh cool TOOOOOOOOOOUCHDOWN!
LYNCH: So I will put you down for ten copies then
LYNCH: Thanks, it's a deal My job is done!

The word is out and PhillyPhell has been recruited into the TWITCH ARMY! Score another one for HOLLYWOOD’S BRIAN LYNCH.

Take care, everyone!