Do you want to ask questions, send praise or
insult a fictional character? Sure, we all do,
and here's your chance! E-Mail us and tell us
what you think. Even if it's not very intelligent.

Hell, ESPECIALLY if it's not very intelligent.
Stupid people are so easy to make fun of
and we're lazy.

Last time I checked there are more than two fucking people named "Brian". Or "Kevin". Or fucking "Pat". Yet it's cool if they keep THEIR names in the stupid comic. But oh, Bi Polar Bear, there's ANOTHER character with YOUR name, so you gotta change it or you're outta the strip! Well, you know what I say to that? "FUCK YOU! MY MOMMA GAVE ME THE NAME AND I'M GONNA FUCKING KEEP IT!"

Okay, that's not true. By the end of this letters column I'll have a brand spanking new name and everyone will be happy and quiet.

And I didn't know it was taken. I LIVE IN THE GODDAMN ARCTIC, for God's sake. I don't watch THE TICK. What's that, a fucking cartoon? I'm too old for cartoons.

As you should be, Tiny. But noooooooooooooooo, you're a big fat ass with no life that not only reads homoerotic COMIC STRIPS ON THE WEB, but also LETTERS COLUMNS PENNED BY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! Jesus Christ, and I'M the one being judged? Fuck me? Fuck you.

...

I'm sorry. I had a moment to think about it and a prozac and I'm really really sorry. I love you. I always have.

Let's read some letters, shall we?

Thanks for putting my letter up on your website. You are very good at what you do and I am looking forward till I can see something cinematic from you. GET BHD RELEASED IN SOME FORM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See, I can be angry too.

The dope ran out, PUT ME IN YOUR STRIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mick
angry and half nude

Whilest reading this letter, I was overcome with two emotions, extreme sadness and complete jubliation. "Why?" you ask? Well, I'll ignore the fact that you don't really care and say this particular letter made me kinda down because I too would love to see BIG HELIUM DOG, I've heard so many good things.

From Brian.

Over and over again.

Seriously, he WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, he lures unsuspecting women back to his apartment (I'm looking at you, Jessica) promising them a glimpse of the movie and then, he's all like "this part ain't as hysterical as the rest, let me put it in a little" and then there's crying and running and police intervention and such.

But this letter also makes me happy because while reading it I ate some of the "special peanut butter" that the doctors told Brian to give me when I'm down. It's that very special peanut butter. You know, crunchy. Crunchy pink pills. Those happy pills make me so, what's the word...less suicidal.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that answering letters is fun.

Next!

Hey Brian,

Mike (aka, AICN's "Mysterio") here.

Meaning to drop you a line for a while (just now coming up for air).

Took a peek at some of your ANP stuff (never knew you did those prior), and some damn funny stuff there. Damn funny.

Especially like the playful cartoon jab at Harry you took. An easy shot, sure, but still funny as hell with that "Lynch-ism" wit that you so proudly display.

So great job. I'm a fan. Let's just hope folks don't confuse it as a spinoff of that former SNL skit slash movie, "It's Pat" - remember that one?

-Mike

AICN's "Mysterio"

SPOILERS IN THIS RESPONSE!!!!!!!!!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, just makin' a little woo woo about AINT IT COOL. Ironic name, by the way.

By the way, Mysterio, someone already has your name. Big goldfish bowl-headed mutha, into holograms and stuff. Listen, I think it's cool if you keep the moniker even if it belongs to someone else, but SOME PEOPLE (now I'm looking at you, Smalls...and GOOD GOD) think ONLY ONE PERSON can have single name. It's a judgmental world we live in, Mysterio. Never forget that.

But if you DO want to forget, I have a snazzy Mountain Dew/purple caplet combo that will make your mind as fucking clear as day. I'm serious, one day a cloud was in a disturbing shape so of course I didn't leave the apartment, and then Brian made me one of those amazing cocktails, long story short, they found me in a nearby park, dancing in a fountain and tongue kissing children.

What was I talking about? Sorry, sometimes I go off on tangents. Hah hah, just sometimes though LOL SHUT UP.

Oh, the "playful jab" at Harry Knowles. Well, I can't speak for Brian but that didn't look like no fucking playful jab to me. That was out and out mean, man. I think Brian owes Harry a big apology and an even bigger box of milk duds.

You know what would be neat? If Harry could toss an entire box of milk duds in his mouth, WRAPPING AND ALL, and then SHOOT OUT said duds like machine gun fire at some Indians. That would rock and finally Harry would be useful.

I'm kidding of course I mean Harry no harm but God I hate Harry. Seriously, one day I wanted to go see a movie so I went to his site and read a review of TOMB RAIDER to see if it was any good. Two hours later I was only halfway through the review and Harry hadn't even talked about the movie yet but I did learn all about his first day of school and why he's afraid to piss in public.

I hate Harry. Kidding, I'm kidding it was a playful jab.

Let's do another letter.

Great comic. Time to bring Eddie Vedder back into the forefront (foreskin, perhaps?), though.

-M. Sprague

Oh sure, bring Eddie Vedder in and slowly squeeze the Artist Formerly Known as Bi Polar Bear out. Just because I'm a one joke character who's one joke has been done before by someone much more talented than my creator. Well, Mr. Sprague, if that is your real name, fuck you and the flannel lovin' seattle-built, whiny rock star lovin' horse you came in on. Eddie Vedder, EDDIE VEDDER WILL BE HERE OVER MY DEAD BODY, AND--

--oh, Brian just, Brian just informed me that Eddie Vedder is making his return appearance here very soon. Hm. Very well. Good for him, big fan.

Let's, let's do the next letter.

Dear Mr. Lynch,

After reviewing your trite, yet hilarious cartoon, we noticed that Pat hasn't acheived an erection once in the last 5 years. Does Pat suffer from Erective Dysfunction Disorder? Does this explain his anger? Has Pat tried our product (Viagra)?

Also, we've noticed that the shape and curvature of his penis changes week to week and year to year. Does Pat possess certain magical, morphing penis powers? Is that why Pat can never get it up? Does Pat ever talk to his penis? Like a plant? Do you ever draw eyes and a smile on his penis to make his penis more marketable to the youth market?

Hope Pat pops a boner soon,
Hugh "Huge" Hefner

What's all this "Mr. Lynch" bullcrap? I made it clear as my brain after the mountain dew/purple caplet cocktail, that I am Bi Polar something or other and not Brian Lynch. My God. Just because this "letter" was "written" weeks ago before I was even "introduced" and way before I discovered that my computer has these cool "quote keys".

Anyway, yes yes, hah hah very funny, Pat hasn't had an erection in more than five years. Tell you what, Hef. You hang out with a turtle-lookin' dwarf, a bug eyed geek, a green asshead, a blue monkey and a big suicidal polar bear and see if YOU'D be real excited. Wouldn't it be weird if Pat was all like "Hey Monkey Man, you're looking good...really...really good...aw dag, BOOOOOOOING, what's happenin' here", is that what you want to read, you sick old fart?

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. Not only did I insult America's most beloved pervert, but I put a nasty mental image of Pat and Monkey Man that probably either (A) grossed everyone out, or (B)turned everyone on.

Of course if you're me, you're (C) all of the above and REALLY confused.

Next letter.

Just wanted to write you and tell you that ANP is really funny shit. Also get a laugh about your posts on the VA webboard. I especially loved the recent strips about P-Diddy and the boy band one. Give me a group that can write and play their own music any day. Anyhow, enough ass-kissing. Keep up the great work! Also, if ANP ever became an animated show/movie. Who would be the voice of Pat?

lebon

Well, thanks, Lebon. I also like Angry Naked Pat. A little too much, it appears, after that last sexy letter, hold on...

...baseball...thinking about baseball...

...fuck, my God, baseball is fucking sexy too...

...okay, I'm just gonna have to answer this letter super-excited if you don't mind. Yes, Brian is a delightful little posting elf on the VA webboard, isn't he? With his NOTICE ME NOTICE ME I MAY NOT HAVE A SUCCESSFUL SERIES OF BELOVED MOVIES AND A HUGE FANBASE BUT I CAN INSULT CHUBBY INSECURE TEN YEAR OLDS brand of humor that only he can deliver. God I hate Brian Lynch. And I love him at the same time. Here's to Brian. And as for this "cartoon", I can't be sure, but I think I heard Brian say that if Pat did talk he'd sound alot like Charlie Osgood in BIG HELIUM DOG. As someone (read: anyone but Brian) who hasn't seen BIG HELIUM DOG, I have no idea who that is but it sure sounds really...blah blah blah.

The guys with the electrical poking rods are telling me, their unique pokey kinda way, that it's time to to take the gun away from my head and fall asleep in an elephant tranquilizer-induced slumber.

So let's answer that last letter, shall we? SHALL WE? Yes, we shall.

Bi Polar Bear, I hear you're running the male sac this week. Well, Mr. Bipolar Bear, or whatever you're calling yourself these days, I got two things to say to you:

1. You're an ass. You're unfunny and annoying. Why can't you be witty or at least ridiculously ludicrous like the other well thought out and popular charaxters? Beyond your marginally clever name, you're shit, and I hope you die.

2. You're shirt is cool.

Wow, thanks for the letter. It's a shame you didn't sign it, as now evil future robot/aliens like the ones at the end of A.I. will come down, find a computer, go to ANGRYNAKEDPAT.COM, see this email and not know who THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH WAS. You're a pip, you are. Did I mention that I'm unstable. Don't push me.

As for being unfunny and annoying...how long has Dennis the Menace been goin' on? What, like fifty years? And in "unfunny" years that's like one hunnert and fifty. And don't give me any of that "the creator of Dennis the Menace just died" crap because death doesn't mean you were funny in life, no sir. Trust me, as that old man is approaching the gates of heaven, God's looking at his clipboard and sayin', "welcome, my child, all are welcome here...just...just give me your sketchpad and pencil...it's heaven, there is no torture here...give me the sketchpad, GIVE IT! Fine, fine, draw all you want in the flames of eternal hell"...and then he goes there and draws all he wants and Satan makes everyone read it by forcing it in front of them and propping their eyes open with CLOCKWORK ORANGE-type gizmos.

And the other characters are thought out? Yes. A naked dude who seems really pissed off and his dumb friend! Do they hand out pulitzers for comic strips? Something tells me they's a gonna start.

And calling me shit ain't gonna do much for my bruised ego. I'm just, I'm just down now. And there's no getting up.

So let's take a page from my favorite Pat-fan, Chuisano, and just call a suicidal spade a spade. I'm Manic Depressive. I'm the Manic Depressive Bear.

But, things could always get better, 'spose. Maybe I oughta put an upbeat spin on it... So, until next time, this is---

HAPPY THE MANIC DEPRESSIVE BEAR

---signing off.

Take care all, and remember the immortal words from

TICKFAN69@AOL.COM ...

"get some originality, loser, and ditch that fucking whiney gay bear". Oh oh oh, if love were hits on the head with a blunt object, he'd be in a bloody lifeless heap by now! Bye everyone!