Do you want to ask questions, send praise or
insult a fictional character? Sure, we all do,
and here's your chance! E-Mail us and tell us
what you think. Even if it's not very intelligent.

Hell, ESPECIALLY if it's not very intelligent.
Stupid people are so easy to make fun of
and we're lazy.

For the last two weeks, we've had a character answer the "viewer mail". It's a good way for me to work out voices for the characters, so when I write the cartoons, I have a decent feel for them. But this week, it's just gonna be me. Brian. Brian Lynch. If it makes you feel any better, pretend it's the "Brian Lynch" character from Pat. I'll try and help. Oooooooooh, I have mentos...and, and that Monkey Man, he's a stitch.

How's that? Good? Good.

Ah, sweet fans. I love them. I do. I kinda wish there was MORE negative reaction, as they're more fun to respond to, but so far, save for some ones that were obviously negative in a joshin' sense and others that were from family members who demanded I don't print them, all we've gotten were positive emails.

Well, that's not true, last week, someone said he didn't like BI POLAR BEAR. But that's fine, as Bi Polar Bear doesn't like Bi Polar Bear.

But that's it. We gets lots of letters, and people like the site. And some people like ME. A bit too much. This isn't me bragging, it's not really ME they like, they're a fan of my posts or my writing or the little picture of me up at the "meet the geniuses" section. They don't care that it's obviously air-brushed worse than the Courtney Love issue of MAXIM, they like me lots. In fact, more people like me like via Email than do in real life. Which is sad.

I had a secret admirer for a few weeks, that was a good time. She even created a new email addy so I wouldn't know her real name. Problem was, when she signed up for her new email, she used her real name, so when I got an email it said TO: BRIAN LYNCH, FROM:(INSERT HER NAME HERE), and then went on to giggle like an elf at how I'd never figure out who it was.

This was followed by an email the next day realizing what she had done and she felt awful. But she shouldn't, she came as very sweet and nice and I'm sure if she'd stop emailing dorks via email and talked to some real guys she'd find that special someone she's lookin' for. She was also afraid I'd post her letters, but I'm not a mean person.

Shut up, I'm not. My lead character, he's kinda mean. When I post on the VA Board, I can be mean. But I'm not at all, and I appreciate the fact that she liked the site enough to go through all that hard work just to say "hi".

But lately, I've been getting some weird-ass emails, from someone ELSE declaring their love for me. There's an email service thing, and I'm not naming them because I don't want to support them in anyway, that will send an email FOR YOU, telling whomever you want that you either hate them or love them or think they smell, etc.

My secret admirer did that to me. Lots. What she didn't know is that EACH TIME she did so, and gave them my email, THEY were giving my email to some spamming service, and now I get about sixty new crap emails telling me I may have already one a million dollars or I can get a college diploma by mail or I should sign up for fun Lott-O services or something.

But either way, it was all worth it because now I get to share my internet "romance" with you fine people. Join me, won't you? The first email told me I had special message awaiting for me. I clicked on the link and it said---

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• This person feels that you are funny because you tell funny jokes, throw in witty wisecracks, tell great stories, write great satire, are obnoxious to persons of authority, and always just seem to find a way to make others laugh.
• This person describes your brand of humor as observational, witty, sarcastic, punny, and really funny.

That's kinda nice, right? Not really creepy, just some shy person's way of telling me that they enjoy the Pat site, and that's always nice. Kinda weird that they couldn't just email me themselves, but hey, maybe they thought I'd make fun of them, so I understand.

I could pick from four replies and send it back, I clicked one (didn't read them), and hit ENTER.

And then came the next one.

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your secret admirer:

• This person admires your attractive appearance, personality, zest for life, and intelligence.

Hm. Hm. Kinda odd, I guess. Now the person is saying he or she is a "secret admirer", and that through my Pat comics and writing on the site that I have expressed a personality and zest for life. Okay, maybe. Maybe he or she is REEEEAAAAALLY into the strip and has seen something in it that no one else has. I don't know how someone could read a comic strip about a guy who's basically saying "everybody sucks" and think the creator has a zest for life, but to each his or her own.

The attractive appearance thing, however, is absolutely true. Either way, strange but nice, and it beats someone sending me a tip saying "you're an asshole and you're ugly" (rememeber that one, Jessica? Oh, that was so nice of you).

So then came the next one...

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• You are extremely charming.
• You are charming because you say the right thing at the right time.

Again, made me cock my head a bit to the right, but I appreciate it. I don't know how this person knows that I am extremely charming and that I say the right thing at the right time, but okay. I mean, I can write some witty responses on a web board, but for all he or she knows I spend hours all day and consult my friends to think of a good response. But again, it's nice to be liked. As Peter Gabriel once said I "love to be loved". He also said "Come on come on come on kiss that frog" but that has nothing to do with this story.

So I'm still thinking how nice this person is, and I appreciate his or her love.

And then comes the next one.

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your obliviousness:

• You are really oblivious.
• It seems that you do not notice people's feelings.
• This person finds your obliviousness frustrating.
  

Huh? How was I oblivious? I read her emails (and let's face it, it was a girl sending the emails, as the sudden change in mood with no warning would indicate), responded by clicking a response, and moved on with my day. It's not like you can WRITE YOUR OWN RESPONSES. I couldn't type in "Thanks for calling me charming, do you like it up the butt?" like I wanted, I had four responses to choose from, like "hey baby thanks for calling me charming" or "I'm not that charming, but thanks", or "Yes, I'd love to learn more about GroupLotto!".

So she was getting angry that I didn't deduce who she was, figure out her email, do a LAWNMOWER MAN through the computer wires and POP into her study with a handful of flowers. And I guess that's a normal reaction. If I was living in Tron's world. Either way, it couldn't get any weirder.

And then I got---

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your flirtatiousness:

• You also flirt with people you aren't interested in.
  

Huh? How can I flirt with someone I'VE NEVER TALKED TO?!? No emails, no chat rooms, no late night phone calls, NOTHING. But I guess she had a point. I mean, when I checked off that box saying I don't want to learn about GroupLotto, I did do it with a gleam in my eye and a sweet Katie Holmes half-smile.

Think it can't get any more beeee-zzarre? Oh, read on.

Here's the next one---

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• This person has been your friend for weeks.
• You are a special friend because you always forgive others, can be upset with your friend one minute and laughing the next, and have a special understanding for your friends.

So she went from saying I flirt too much to giving me a sly wink and giving me a clue as to how I know her. HUH? My friend for weeks? Well, I've been in New York City finishing up NIGHTCRAWLERS, in a small apartment, and the only other person I've seen is Charlie Gogolak, one of my managers...hmmmmmmmmmmm....maybe he took my "let's lose this scene" as "let's lose this scene, take it, whore". And the fact that he lives in Hollywood could explain his crazy mood swings. They're all insane there.

And by the way, did you see what their opinion of a "special friend" is? "you can be upset with your friend one minute and laughing the next"...isn't that not "special" so much as "fucking insane"? I mean, picture it, "I hate you, Nick, I wish I never met you and...Bwah-hah-hah!"

Fucking odd. Anyway, they kept coming.

Here's the next one.

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your secret admirer:

• This person knows you from mutual friends.
• This person admires your attractive appearance, personality, zest for life, and intelligence.
  

The same one as before. I guess it was her way of saying "I'm sorry I'm a complete psychopath, but remember the good times?"

And here's the next one.

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• It seems that you are very attractive.
• Your best features include your eyes, smile, and personality.

Buttering me up some more. How nice. How scary and nice. It should be known that at this point, while still very attractive, my smile had turned into a "gritted teeth fright mouth" and my beautiful eyes were now wide and, sure, crying.

Can't get any more awful, right? You'd think so...

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your penmanship:

• Your handwriting is excellent because you write very neatly, sign your name in a special way, and write uniquely.

My...penmanship...is nice....okay...while I suppose she was talking about my lettering on the comic strip, it is my HONEST FEELING that if I were to turn up dead in the next couple of days, this is the email that would be entered into evidence for this lady's trial.

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your kindness:

• You are kind to remote acquantances.
• This person appreciates that you are generous, always intend for the best, and have a big heart.

Because I haven't pressed charges yet? That must be it. And hey, it's been two emails, why hasn't she reminded me about my fantastic appearance. Unless you count the big heart, that is true, my heart is actually six times bigger than a normal human heart. I could be a superfriend.

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your honesty:

• In the event of questionable circumstances, it takes approximately no time for you to reveal the truth.
• This person appreciates that you are honest about opinions, advice, and actions of a sinful nature.
  

It was at this point that I thought this lady was now thinking, in her boring normal human size heart of hearts, that we hang out daily. In her eyes, I was a handsome young man with pristine handwriting and a mutant heart who knew all about sinnin' and grinnin'. I was a Don Johnson character in a Tim Burton world, and she was my Rebecca Gayheart.

No, I don't know what that meant either, but I have a feeling if my admirer is reading this, she will. The voices will tell her. And anyway, if they can't help, I'll see her tomorrow and explain it over lunch.

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• You work especially hard at your job and your dreams.
• Apparently, the fruits of your labor include happiness and fulfillment.

I actually cracked the code on this one. I think she honestly felt that since I wasn't going out of my way to figure out who this amazing girl is, I must be too busy with work. And, to her defense, she didn't want to clock me in the knees with a sledgehammer for it, she admired it. Little did she know I wasn't busy with work, I was actually busy adding a new series of locks to my front door. To keep her in, of course, in case she ever drops by (and the fingers are crossed).

Oh, but they get better.

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• You are interesting because you always make interesting comments and have an interesting physical appearance.
• Every year you get a 10% or more interest rate.

Ah, a fat joke. Good one, crazy. Now not only was my appearance no longer "attractive" but "interesting", but I'm getting bigger. I guess she took the "Brian's busy with work" idea she had the wrong way, the more she thought about it. "I'll show him, I'm gonna play hard to get with my SIX THOUSAND EMAILS A DAY".

Here is what the person sending this tip said:

• You are romantic because you have a sparkle in your eye, speak from your heart, are extremely passionate, and are impulsive and spontaneous.

Well, it looks like pudgy's got a good side, huh? That fat hasn't puffed up over my baby greens enough to obscure that playful sparkle, and at least, as I huff and puff up the stairs on my way to see my lady after a hard day of working and eating (me) or sitting at her computer and making Brian-statues with her own poop (her), chances are I'll bring some kinda wacky gift because I'm so impulsive.

It can't get any weirder, can it? CAN IT?

Here is what the person sending this tip said about your large penis:

• Additionally, you need extra-large condoms.

I guess it ain't just my frame that's big in my soul-mate's eyes, know I mean? Yes yes, she was trying to send me a white dove of peace and it came off AS THE CREEPIEST ONE YET. A complete stranger that I'VE NEVER TALKED TO is now talking about my penis. Ew. People that handle my privates daily (and there's alot...) don't talk about it.

And then, the last one came. She couldn't get any more delusional, could she?

Here is what the person sending this tip said about how fun you are on dates:

• You are a good date because you are very funny and are extremely attractive.

Oh, so we've, we've dated. I'm, I'm funny and attractive. Dear Lord. In her little head, we've dated and I was lots of fun.

Well, now I know she's lying. Ask Jessica, ask Hope, hell, I'll ask Lorene to come on here and verify THIS IS NOT THE CASE. First of all, I dress down and don't shower for weeks on a date. I want the girls to like me for me, not for fancy "clothes" or an "acceptable odor". Frig that.

And so it ends.

This was the last one, before my special girl emailed me and told me who she was. Just a bored lady in the mid-west with too much time on her hands who totally wants me. And you can bet I'm booking the next flight to Crazyville and askin' to see the Mayor. She's waiting. She's waiting and loves me and doesn't care that I'm overloaded with work and twinkies. And if she ever goes get mad, that's okay, because I know this his how it'll go---

"I hate you, Brian, why'd you make fun of me in your letters column?"

"I'm sorry, baby, I---" (muffled from six bagels being shoved in mouth at one time)---"yeah"

"WELL FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU AND---TEEE HEEEEE HEEEE"

And oh, will we laugh. WE WILL LAUGH. And they'll find my body tomorrow in a ditch. And oh, will she cry. And then laugh. Girls are funny.