Do you want to ask questions, send praise or
insult a fictional character? Sure, we all do,
and here's your chance! E-Mail us and tell us
what you think. Even if it's not very intelligent.

Hell, ESPECIALLY if it's not very intelligent.
Stupid people are so easy to make fun of
and we're lazy.

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

Greetings, fleshly lifeforms! I've been told it is indeed an honor to answer questions posed by you, the faceless masses!

I am PAT:RED, a synthetic and extremely well endowed replicant of Angry Naked Pat, the star of America's nine hundred and fifty-second most beloved on-line comic strip.

SIDENOTE: astute viewers may note we've actually risen in the ranks, this is due to the unfortunate passing of one SMILEY McWIGGINS, writer/artist on the acclaimed comic strip BILLY AND HIS TALKING FUDGE...rest in peace, Smiley...or as the talking fudge would say "What do I know? I'm fudge!!!" Heaven just got alot funnier and talking fudge-filled.

Anyway, let's answer some questions, shall we? Oh, it'll be fun fun fun.

If only I had programming that would let me feel this "fun" you are no doubt having. Oh well, don't feel bad for me. I mean, I can't. Yep, you guessed it, I lack that "self-pity" programming that seems so prominent in the lot of you. Well, you must have lots of questions about Angry NakedPat, so let's proceed...

Hi, I was wondering if I could find a copy of "Big Helium Dog", I really want to see it but have no clue as to where a copy may be available to me...that is of course assuming it was released on VHS...(wow, I feel lame not knowing, but that's why I'm asking you). So...if you could let me know that would be awesome...thanks a lot.

-Katrina

P.S. I love Angry Naked Pat...makes me laugh and laugh...I have made all my friends check out the website :)

ENGAGING IN CLASSIC GEN-X SARCASM

Hey, Katrina, thanks for the letter! We hear at http www.bigheliumdog.com really appreciate your inquiry! It's good to know you're a fan of what we do and you took the time out to say, "hey, duh, makers of BIG HELIUM DOG, duh, I really love your..."

Oh, wait...this ISN'T www.bigheliumdog.com? This is angrynakedpat.com? Get out of town (do not, KATRINA, do not, REALLY get out of town, it is just a saying, stay where you are, unless your town is about ready to BLOW UP or they have outlawed dancing and Kevin Bacon is not anywhere in sight...you gotta dance, Katrina, you gotta dance and you can only hold out for a hero for so long)!

How odd that you would write www.angrynakedpat.com and talk about something that has NOTHING to do with ANGRY NAKED PAT. Oh, wait, it's in your P.S.!!! How shocking (THIS SARCASM IS FANTASTIC, KATRINA MUST THINK I'M QUITE THE SASSY SON OF A BITCH!)!!! Where most people write piffle like "Wish you were here" you wrote "by the way, your stupid site with the gay ass red robot isn't THAT bad!" Stop it, Katrina, you're giving me an ego!

ENDING SARCASM MODE

You and I both know robots are not capable of having an ego. But what we ARE able to have is LOVE FOR YOU. Seriously. Press the button on my neck and say the seven magic words, Katrina, and I will love you forever. But will you love me? WILL YOU LOVE ME?

Hah hah! I make laugh sound effects because of my most excellent current pop culture reference! You're welcome, Katrina. You're welcome, the world!

But seriously, for a sneak peak at BIG HELIUM DOG, maybe you should purchase ANOTHER View Askew related DVD and really really look around on it. I mean, REALLY look. Cryptic? Yes yes. If these giant oval image receivers could move I'd wink.

Next question!

Hey Bro,

I just got a great idea for the next ANP strip.

Put Pat and company out in a grassy pasture. And make sure that there are plenty of random cows in the background. Oh yeah, and maybe we can that sock-puppet guy Michael Ian Black to join them.

Oooh, I know. We can get a fairy. A cigarette fairy to wear glitter and a tu-tu. And I bet you could draw all your famous "friends" in funny parts to get even more notoriety from riding their coat tails.

Oh yeah, and you should really be nicer to your younger brother and stop keeping him locked up in your dungeon, without sunlight. He hates that.

P.S. BHD ruled! The funniest movie of all time! Fuck the AFI!

Wow, fantastic! Another amazing BIG HELIUM DOG letter! Simply wonderful! It's befuddling that you are all talking to such a life-like futuristic robot and yet you insist on LIVING IN THE PAST!

Remember how film director Stanley Kubrick would direct movies for six or seven years AND THEN PUT THEM OUT? Well, Brian Lynch has it backwards. He shoots them very quickly, and then sits on them for six or seven years so they age like a fine wine.

Yes, it is true, BIG HELIUM DOG is the funniest movie of all time. Maybe even THE BEST MOVIE of all time. But do you EXPECT him to KEEP WORKING ON IT, until it's done? That's all very selfish of you. Brian gets bored watching a TV show after two minutes, and HE WROTE this one, he KNOWS how it's going to end, and you EXPECT HIM to watch it over and over again, adding the appropriate BOIIIIIIIIIIING sound effect when needed? HE'S MOVED ON. YOU SHOULD TOO.

Okay, fine. I will make him find a release for it. Because you all asked so nicely. Don't say Pat:Red has never done anything for you. Next question.

Let us pray it is about ANGRY NAKED PAT. Even though I have done the necessary algorythms in my head and have arrived at the indesputiable conclusion there is no God, so all your praying is for naught.

Wow, two of my letters are up on the web site of the funniest man on the internet. I was watching the muppets in space movie the other day and I thought about how you said you were going to do another muppet movie, did that fall through? are the muppets naked? If you are not doing the next muppet movie do you know who is and when it is coming out.

thanks

Rizzo the rat should stop doing so much coke.

Hm. Congrats on your TWO LETTERS being in the MALE SAC. I guess the old wive's tale is true, "Third time's the LETTER THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WEBSITE YOU SENT IT TO". If I wasn't a robot, I'd be getting mighty frustrated with you people, and threaten to take you by the hair and---

WE INTERRUPT PAT:RED's RANT FOR AN IMPORTANT SIDENOTE: Hey, this Brian Lynch. To answer your question, I think they're planning on doing a Muppet TV show before ANY movie, and even if they do another show, it might not be my script, as it might not be for the intended audience. I wrote a WAYNE'S WORLD type Muppet adventure, and while Henson liked it enough to cut me a sweet check, help get my name out to other studios, and work with me developing it, I think they might want to skew towards a younger audience for their movies. I'm not even sure if the Muppets have a home lately, as the German Company that bought them (I believe they were called SEE, WE GERMANS BOUGHT THE MUPPETS, WE'RE NOT ALL THAT BAD, WE'RE FRIENDLY AND HAPPY AND, HEY, WHY ISN'T KERMIT BLONDE? INC.) are currently trying to sell them). Either way, no, the Muppets weren't naked. Except for Kermit. But he always was. Unless you count that freaky little court jester's collar. Which I don't. You see me wearing nothing but a court jester's collar, you say THAT SON OF A BITCH IS NAKED.

Sorry for the interruption, WE NOW RETURN TO PAT: RED's RANT, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. ---he fire out, but will make your hair smell like urine. Then I'm gonna take the severd arm and you're gonna eat it. Next question. I do so hope it is about Angry Naked Pat.

Hello, I visited angrynakedpat.com and I noticed that you are not listed on some search engines. I am sure you can increase the number of people who visit angrynakedpat.com Do you know TrafficMagnet? TrafficMagnet is a unique technology that instantly submits your web site to over 300,000+ search engines and directories every month. This is a very low-cost and effective way of advertising your site. To check our prices and submit angrynakedpat.com to 300,000+ search engines, go to trafficmagnet.net

http://www.trafficmagnet.net/email.php?
referemail=brianlynch@angrynakedpat.com

I would love to hear from you.

Best Regards,

Christine Hall Sales & Marketing
www.trafficmagnet.net

Finally, a letter from a REAL FAN. Thank you, Christine Hall. You seem to really enjoy Angry Naked Pat, and we love to hear from our admirers. This must be quite a thrill for you, to not only have your letter in the MALE SAC but to talk to one of the characters from your numero uno comic strip in all the land.

You like Angry Naked Pat so much, you searched out many fantastic web site search engines and passed on information to us about how to contact them and pay to use their services so more people see our fantastic site. That was nice in itself, but then you went ahead AND GOT A JOB at one of the search engine search places you found, just so we had an "in" at the company.

You truly are Pat's number one fan! We thank you and salute you!

Here's to Christine Hall! She changed her entire life plan so more people would learn about Angry Naked Pat. You could all learn from her. And as for "loving to hear" from Brian, he has a quite shapely female companion, and has no need for your company in a romantic sense. Pat:Red, however, is not only single, but has a wide array of mechanical devices specifically constructed to please the opposite sex.

I know the idea of actually meeting a star of ANGRY NAKED PAT is quite overwhelming, and you feel unworthy, but trust me, all will be fine. You talk of search engines, Christine Hall, well, I just typed "find Christine Hall's heart" and then pressed enter. Please, please don't say "no matches found". This might be love.

I mean, I have no idea. I don't know what love feels like. But you will. Oh. You. Will.

Speaking of "true love", do you remember the fantastically mad cyber stalker Brian spoke of in last week's MALE SAC? Go give it a looksee if you don't, and then come back. Well, as Brian said, his admirer came clean and said who she was, and Brian asked for more information, but she said she was shy. I'm gonna let Brian take over now, and give you an update! Good bye, everyone! Christine Hall, call me, I'm in the book!

END TRANSMISSION

Angry Naked Pat creator Brian Lynch
cozies up to his current girlfriend, Jessica.

Hey. So last I heard from the lady, she was shy and didn't want to tell y'all who she was or send us a picture to put up or nothin'. Really not a team player AT ALL. So I went about my business, and then early this week, I received this email. I changed or deleted some info so the shy young lady could remain anonymous---

...it isn't nice to ignore your #1 fan!!!! So, here is my story. I sent you some nice emails, instead of anonymous email tips and at first, you would reply. Then, I sent you a few more, and then nothing!! I hoped all weekend when I got to work this morning I would have an email from you, but, nooooo, of course not. So, now I'm emailing you to tell you, I've moved on (and yes, I can hear you cheering and applauding.)

That's right, I've found someone else to love. I still wish you the best of luck, but like most women, I'm high maintenance. Anyway, you were calling me out, so I'm coming out now. I still can't give you my name, but you can call me sexy. As I already told you, I'm

AGE DELETED, BUT SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE AND/OR KNOW BETTER,
I'm an
JOB DELETED, BUT IT DOESN'T INVOLVE MAKING STATUES OF ME WITH HER OWN POOP, SO IT LOOKS LIKE I OWE MY FRIENDS 20 BUCKS
I'm---
WEIGHT AND HEIGHT DELETED, BUT I THINK I COULD TAKE HER IN A FIGHT, THANK GOODNESS
I have
HAIR TYPE DELETED, BUT IN HER DEFENSE SHE DIDN'T END THE DESCRIPTION WITH "BUT ONCE I SEE A PICTURE OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND JESSICA I'M GONNA CHANGE IT TO THAT, AND THEN BLOW YOU AND SHOVE A HIGH HEEL THROUGH YOUR EYE".

Anything else you would like to know? Well, that about does it. I had fun and I hope you at least cracked a smile from time to time because of me. Sorry it didn't work out between us.

Lots of love,
Your former #1 crazy/psycho fan

For some odd reason, I feel this tremendous sense of loss. I mean, sure, I have a girlfriend who, whatever, loves me, but does Jessica anxiously turn on her computer Monday morning, hoping, praying with clench-ed hands that I have sent her an email?

NO.

And Jess, if you're reading this, don't use that old "I hang out with you all weekend" bullshit excuse. If this great lady and I spent a glorius Saturday and Sunday arm in arm, talking, laughing, writing messages of love on the bathroom mirror in our blood for each other, I bet she'd still go home and check her messages and hope that I sent her a little message saying "hey, remember that whole sledgehammer/knee incident? It's cool, baby". But I blew it. After two days, I hadn't responded with an LOL or a winky smiley face or even a quick "here's just a tip: someone loves you and wants their hair back". And she moved on. She's currently trolling other websites for some other lucky stranger to become obsessed with, and I hope if Mr. Harry Knowles gets "just a tip" soon, he'll treat her with the respect she deserves. Good bye, "Sexy". I love you and I salute you, but most of all, I fear you. But the "love" and "salute" thing come a very close second and third.

With a single syrup-y tear, I say thee goodnight, MALE SAC readers. Good night and God Bless.