Do you want to ask questions, send praise or
insult a fictional character? Sure, we all do,
and here's your chance! E-Mail us and tell us
what you think. Even if it's not very intelligent.

Hell, ESPECIALLY if it's not very intelligent.
Stupid people are so easy to make fun of
and we're lazy.

This weeks letters column answered by
Brian Lynch & Andy Milonakis

Hey everyone. Sorry, no fictional character is answering the letters today, as, I don't know, let's say they're on vacation. Yes yes, they went to a fantastic resort on THE MOON where they get in all sorts of wacky misadventures, the likes of which you'll never know of, but believe you me, if I ever did write them down for you, the lot of you would laugh and laugh and say "Jesus, Lynch really knocked it out of the park AGAIN, what is it about that guy? Oh yes, a little thing called GENIUS!"

Anyway, It's me. Brian Lynch. Yes, the man behind the penis. "Man behind the penis", I hope that's on my gravestone.

Anyway, I'm gonna answer a few letters and then hand the damn thing over to Andy, he of ICE CREAM FANTASTIC, the new comic strip from ANGRYNAKEDPAT.COM. You can find ICE CREAM FANTASTIC by CLICKING HERE or just by going back to the MAIN PAGE and clicking on the ANP NETWORK OF TOONS link or by wishing really hard for a photo-comic strip that will at once delight and confuse you before you go to bed tonight, and then looking under your pillow in the morning. It's just that simple.

Anyway, here's the first letter. I hope you enjoy it. I know I did.

Hey Brian, where is my letter? I work hard all day, and all I ask is to get an answer from you, Lynch.

So is it a question you want? Is that why my poor innocent letter was lost in the cold? Fine, my question is:

Why does Eddie Vedder (who outside of ANP is the sexiest man on Earth, next to you, of course) look more like a monkey than Monkey Man himself?

Kati

Well, Miss "Doesn't know a thing about art and wouldn't know a good caricature of Eddie Vedder if it landed on her but it won't land on her I don't know a big anvil will because how dare she badmouth Brian Lynch's artistic ability", I have received a letter from Mr. Eddie Vedder himself, and he said the following...

TO: BRIAN LYNCH
FROM: TOTALLY EDDIE VEDDER
RE: HOW AWESOME YOUR ART IS

Dude, it's Eddie. Sorry I missed you at Radiohead's 4th of July B-B-Q, but I heard you were the life of the party. Givin' oral pleasure to BOTH Jessica Alba AND Geri Halliwell? AT THE SAME TIME?!? Jesus, man, well, if anyone can do it, it's the Lynch-master general! LOL!

By the way, caught your new strip, MY FAIR MARKY, that I, Eddie Vedder, am totally in. All I can say is MY GOD what a perfect likeness of me, Eddie Vedder, it was. In case you're wondering, the thing that cartoon most looks like is me and the thing it least looks like is a monkey.

Anyway, take care! Thanks for writing all our songs on TEN and none of them on the other albums. Okay, maybe a few on VS. Until next time, this is Eddie Vedder saying GOOD-BYE and I'M STILL ALIVE! Get it, it's totally one of my songs which proves this is from me!

Sincerely,
Your friend, Eddie Vedder

Well, I guess that proves you're wrong, and I accept your apology. And thanks, Eddie Vedder, whom I know.

Next letter.

I keep getting assorted Monkey Man lines stuck in my head over the course of the day. I'd say "it's all your fault", but - even in a joking kinda way - I'm guessing you don't need any more internet-themed weirdness right now.

-Toby

Monkey Man this. Monkey Man that. Yes, Mr. Man is so very very funny, isn't he? He makes with the "me caveman, you stupid" hah hahs, and you sheep just laugh and laugh and lap it up like it's milk and you're milk-addicted vampire bats that should love blood but it's weird because you love milk.

There's more to this site than FUCKING MONKEY MAN. There's, there's the fantastic MALE SAC you're reading right now, with it's, with it's "Dear Brian you rule" and my "fuck you loser why are you so stupid" responses! They're golden! Me and whomever wrote the letter I'm answering, we're like the Odd Couple of the new century. Especially since the OLD Odd Couple just passed away! There's an opening! Fill it, people! Fill the opening!

Monkey Man. WHATEVER. You guys suck. Here's a little secret. I'M MONKEY MAN. Yes. I write the responses, I had to sit through the DAMN N SYNC album and suffer, I have to come up with EVERY LITTLE STUPID THING MONKEY MAN DOES, and the thanks I get is one letter to me for EVERY THIRTY MONKEY MAN gets. He's FUCKING FAKE. Hey, assholes, when Charles Schultz died, did you notice that Charlie Brown got kinda quiet? Yeah, that's because CHARLIE BROWN IS FUCKING MAKE BELIEVE TOO. Go to hell, all of you.

And I was just kidding about the Monkey Man being me thing. He's very much real. And now he's giving me a dirty look. Oh, that Monkey Man. You'd think after such an awful letter, I'd want to hang it up forever, huh? Well, not everyone is an ingrate. Case in point...over the last couple of days I've gotten SIXTY of this email---

Hi! How are you?

I send you this file in order to have your advice.

See you later. Thanks!

---from a bunch of different people. Yes, it is weird that a gaggle of complete strangers would think to send me the EXACT same email, but hey, when you touch people like the comic AND NOT MONKEY MAN evidentially touches the lot of you, I suppose you're all moved beyond words to tell me how much you like it AND send some kinda goofy attachment asking for my help turning your works into something as strong as RETARDED OFFENSIVE MONKEY BOY.

Rest assured, I have downloaded all your files, and the sad truth is, I've only gotten around to reading a few before my computer crashes and I have to re-boot. I turn the damn thing on again, giggle at my Heathcliff wallpaper (man, I don't care how many times I see it, when he gives his old fart owner sass I crack up for a good ten minutes), try to read your files again, the computer freezes, it's a big mess.

Rest assured, I will get to ALL of them. The ones I have read are kinda good, I guess, lots of letters written to other people that don't really need my input, so let me offer a firm pat on the back for a job well done. Huzzah to you, letter writers. Until I get my stupid computer fixed (and it's a NEW computer, so you think it wouldn't come with all these bugs), I'll read through the lot of them and get back to you.

Okay, I've babbled enough. Time for Andy to take over. He said he had a HUGE response to ICE CREAM FANTASTIC, so I can't wait to read what people had to say. It's nice to know the adventures of everyone's favorite Greek kid from Westchester is so well received. Until next week, America, this is Brian Lynch. Take care and God Bless.

Hi, this is Andy and i'm going to answer some letters that were sent to me by email to my email address and I saved them and i'm going to try to answer them for the person who sent it and for the person that is reading this right now (not right right now because I'm typing this right now so you'll be reading it a little later). Last Thursday was the first week of my new photo-comic strip ICE POP KINDA-GOOD and I got some lovely yet scary responses.

First Letter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : )~~( : <---me and Brian

Andy, you are really talented and have a big brain, one that is bigger than Alex Einsteen. You are funny too and your beauty mark on the arm and your cat tah-2 is funnier. You make me laugh in all of your strips not just your fecial expreshons but your riting is funnier than most movies out there today. You should make movies and you should be a screenwriter and director and star on your own sitcom starring you and know one else.

Also, I am a straight guy but I think you are hand some and when I see pictures of you my underwear must magically transform from cotton to altoids because it tingles down there. You are kinda chubby though, what ice cream does to your mid section aint that fantastic.

-Randy Sillymockus

hmmmm.

Whassup essay? Yoo I be coming down to that deli all the time, bro. Your shit is stuupid mang, I should cut chu sometime, you be playing that pinche harmonica like you think you're Stevie Frikken Wonder. You think hurting everyone's ears is going to get you enough money to support your drinking habbit? Even if it does what about your other stinking habbits? You must buy about 12 italian combos a day to feed your family, well not YOUR family, bro, but the one that you swallowed alive that now lives in your stomach.

Not to mention that I heard you spend most of your tips on getting old men to come and watch you pee on the third rail like some kind of weird homo, you're sick homes. Get a life or next time I see you playing with that stupid harmonica, I'm going to jam it down your pinche throat and your stomach dwelling adopted son will be waking you up with it in the middle of the night. Puta.

-Carlito (FROM WESTCHESTER, I LIVE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, YO BUT I REPRESENT THE BX TO THE FULLEST GATS I PULL IT)

Uhhhh.

Andy, you are the greatest, funniest, sexiest, craziest, wildest, most genius person in the world. If it was legal, we would both ask for your hand in marriage.

-Your Parents

Ack.

Sorry guys and gals but these questions are just too weird for even me, if you have any decent questions, comments, concerns about Ice Cream Fantastic or my appearance, please send me an email at andym@angrynakedpat.com