Enough of my jibber jabber, let’s post the damn results, shall we? YES WE FUCKING SHALL!

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

You’d think this one would be a no-brainer, right? The site IS called angrynakedpat.com, after all, so it’s either him or the Tasmanian Devil of the group, Monkey Man. Well, if you guessed either one of them you’d be wrong, because the winner is---

KEVIN!

Weird. The villain. The asshole of the group. So vile even his own cigarette won’t touch him. Yep, he easily trounced the first and second runners up:

MONKEY MAN AND MONKEY BOY!

Pat came in fourth, Mugsy fifth, the dorks sixth, and Ape Dude DEAD LAST. I cannot believe this, as Ape Dude has had ONE REALLY GOOD PANEL THAT YOU’VE ALL SEEN. It’s quality, not quantity, people.

Stay tuned for our big-ass re-launch of the site, under the name www.kevin.com. I’m sure it’s not taken, right?

Shoulda put Monkey Lady in here, I guess. But nooooooooooooo, I forgot. I’m dumb. Anyway, the winner is obvious, as she’s not only a character in the comic strips, books and animated cartoons, but hell, she DRAWS a bunch of the stuff on the site, yessir, it’s—

JESSICA!

Easily trouncing her own co-creation---

PATCHOULI!

Patchouli came in a distant second (seriously, she got less than half the votes Jess received). In fact, Ape Dude in a wig only got five votes LESS than Patchouli. How sad. Even more sad is that the first female character in the Pat world, Abigail, only got a handful of votes, coming in dead last. You fuckers are fickle.

FAVORITE VERSION OF PAT

Pat and his pee pee have been drawn by many a talented yet troubled artist.

---but whom’s whom’s WHOM’S version do you like best? That answer’s simple, chet. You likey the one that walks and talks:

BOB CESCA!

Yeah, he came in first, slightly ahead of the first runner up---

BRIAN LYNCH!

---which I truly believe was just a pity vote anyway. But my cave etchings-esque scribbles can’t compare to Camp Chaos’ brilliant work on Pat. And a shout out should go to Matt, who does the voice of Pat. Matt has one of them last names too, but it’s long and complicated so f him.

Jessica and DJ tie for third. Which is bizarre, because LOOK AT THEIR WORK. And then look at MINE. They’re WAY BETTER, people! Maybe because I created Pat, I don’t know. Either way, thanks.

FAVORITE VERSION OF MONKEY MAN

There are only so many ways to draw a super powered blue monkey. Yet each of these people has found a way to make him their own. PLUS, we have the actual Monkey Man in the running. The nominees were:

…so, who does the best monkey? Who, when drawn by this person, makes not only Monkey Man but ALL OF US just a touch less blue? Who pushes all the right buttons? Well, it’s---

DJ COFFMAN!

This ain’t a surprise in the least, as Mr. Coffman has brought Monkey Man’s origin AND his first solo adventure to glorious life. Where there’s Monkey Man there’s DJ Coffman, just as where there’s Brian Lynch, there’s a woman with a pleased yet tired toothy grin on her maw.

Second place is shared betwixt---

JESSICA MILAZZO and MONKEY MAN HIMSELF!

Jessica should totally be honored that her version of Monkey Man is good as MONKEY MAN’S version of himself, and Monkey Man should be kinda sad. Anyhoo, Brian Lynch’s came in third, and Bob Bobby Robert Cesca’s last. But you guys have only seen two cartoons with Monkey Man in it, give Camp Chaos some time…

This one was easy. Mr. Magoo could see the outcome of this puppy, yes, the winner is---

BOB CESCA!

---everyone looooooooves the animated Mugsy, he’s just adorable. Shout outs to Bob and to Eric Grissom, the heart and voice of Mugsy. Also, a quick mad prop to Marc Manalli, who did some fantastic animation in the Mugsy-centric DUDE, WHERE’S MEIN KAMPF and EVERY WHICH WAYANS BUT LOOSE episodes. Second place went to---

BRIAN LYNCH!

---again, either pity or the fact that I created the character. Well, that last part ain’t true AT ALL, Marc Devito’s parents REALLY created Mugsy, as they gave birth to the sorry yet admittedly well-endowed creature that Mugsy is based on. So big ups to them! Jessica’s work on MUGSY X earned her a bronze on this one. BRAVO GIRL! YOU GO!

Um. Sorry about that.

And now, NOW DEAR INTERNET LONELIES, it’s time for the FINAL TWO AWARDS. The first, a delightful look back. The second, a FOREBODING VISION OF THE FUTURE.

FAVORITE PAT RELATED PROJECT ON THE SITE

I was gonna include some strips, as that’s how Pat and friends first came to be, but hey, I ain’t dumb, they’d totally get trampled but the bigger “better” works and I have a fragile ego. So, from these five, what did youse guys like the bestest? Well---

“EVERY WHICH WAYANS BUT LOOSE” two part animated cartoon!

You like your entertainment talkin’ and movin’ and with music! Well, you got it, Buster Brown! The two most recent animated cartoons ranked the highest in your hearts. I can see why, it had lots of Pat, Mugsy, Kevin and Jessica action, you guys LOVE them, it introduced Monkey Man to the animated world, and you LOVE HIM, and it didn’t really feature The Geek and Nigel 7 all that much, which is good because you could give two flying fucks about them. Whatever, I like them.

What pushed EVERY WHICH WAYANS BUT LOOSE to the front of the line, just past the first runner up---

“DUDE, WHERE’S MEIN KAMPF?” two part animated cartoon?

---I think I know. Oh sure, DUDE had a REAL villain, one Adolf Hitler, whereas LOOSE only had Keenan Ivory Wayans, but LOOSE had something DUDE could only DREAM of. No, not Christopher Walken Impersonator, though I think he helped. No, not Monkey Man, though he also helped. I can say why EVERY WHICH WAYANS BUT LOOSE is the most popular thing on the site using but two words:

FARTING.

BIRD.

PROVE ME WRONG, YOU CAN’T. It’s the cold, hard, sad truth.

ASK MONKEY MAN came in third, despite no walking or talking or music or farting birds, and MONKEY MAN ON THE MOON and MUGSY X tie for fourth.

Okay, we’ve had a fun time looking back, sure. But let’s jump in the DeLoreon and ROCKET TO THE FUTURE FOR---

WHAT EVERYONE IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST

Hell, who isn’t? It’s an epic adventure featuring ALL of the Pat characters, with the fate of the world in the balance. And the animated debut of The Guy That Loves His Own Ass and Bi Polar Bear. For God’s sake, if you’re not looking forward to it, you’re dead inside and out! But what, WHAT came in second, you ask? Well---

MONKEY MAN UNLEASHED!

---that’s pretty fucking sweet, if you ask me. First of all, a lot of you have read the first issue and know how good the damn thing is, DJ and I are super proud. Secondly, man, if you’re NOT looking forward to it then I’m out a shitload of dough. Thanks all.

On a similar note, LONG STORY SHORT came in third, that’s pretty fucking awesome. Not really Pat related, in fact, it’s a completely different beast altogether, but we appreciate the support of our next epic comic book adventure.

The Pat DVD is fourth, with VIRGINS coming in last. YOU FUCKERS BETTER BUY IT, IT’S EIGHTY FUCKING PAGES AND IT’S CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE AND IT’S CUTTING EDGE AND IF IT BOMBS DADDY CAN’T BUY A NEW CAR SO JUST DO IT. Actually, for those who care, and evidentially a lot of you do, Kevin’s in it. You loooooooooove your Kevin, don’t you?

Aaaaaaaand, that about wraps it up. We’ll back with THE ULTIMATE POLE 2. Thanks to everyone who participated, it was fun. We learned a lot. We grew as people. And we came together as a nation to say “the terrorists may have taken a lot from us, but they will never EVER take our farting bird. Which is a shame”.

Good night, all!